


NCT Group Chat

by deanoisasnacc



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), SM Rookies
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Chatting & Messaging, Crack, Group chat, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Renjun is a lonely child im sorry, Some of this is based off my group chats, This is a mess tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2018-11-12 04:50:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 28,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11154600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanoisasnacc/pseuds/deanoisasnacc
Summary: johnnyboyyy: ANYWAYSjohnnyboyyy: so likejohnnyboyyy: why did you create thismom: why notmom: lets become closer :)jhansol: i'm close enough to you guys as it isjhansol: even if we don't live in the same dormdad: thank god





	1. johnny control your man

**Author's Note:**

> Hi welcome to this mess of a group chat, I'm going to write this along with my other NCT fic, so I can write some happy things :)
> 
> Taeil- dad  
> Hansol- jhansol/jifrog  
> Johnny- johnnyboyyy/chicago child/ youngHOE/#1 headass  
> Taeyong- mom/TYTrack  
> Yuta- healingsmile/yukkuri  
> Kun- qkun/adopted  
> Dongyoung- *screaming*  
> Ten- 123456789Ten/TNT  
> Jaehyun- woojae/casper  
> Sicheng- winwon  
> Jungwoo- newbie #1/woowoo  
> Yukhei (Lucas)- newbie #2/lucYAS  
> Mark- markuri/markiepoo  
> Renjun- moomin  
> Jeno- jEnOO  
> Donghyuck- hyuckie/satan  
> Jaemin- 1000 watt smile child/nanana  
> Chenle- *whale noises*/smol child  
> Jisung- fetus/large maknae

**_1:46 pm_ **

_[mom added dad, jhansol, johnnyboyyy and healingsmile to the chat]_

**mom:** hello my children

 **dad:** i'm older than you

 **jhansol:** so am i

 **johnnyboyyy:** me too

 **mom:** okay u know what

 **healingsmile:** hey mom

 **healingsmile:** what do u need

 **mom:** _fINALLY_ someone appreciates me

 **jhansol:** lol u thought

 **johnnyboyyy:** _ANYWAYS_  
**johnnyboyyy:** so like  
**johnnyboyyy:** why did you create this

  
**mom:** why not  
**mom:** lets become closer :)

 **jhansol:** i'm close enough to you guys as it is  
**jhansol:** even if we don't live in the same dorm

 **dad:** thank god

 **jhansol:** oh fuck you

 **healingsmile:** so are we adding the babies to the chat

 **dad:** oh for the love of God  
**dad:** please don't corrupt the kids

 **mom:** heck lets do it

 **dad:** you're the mom  
**dad:** why are you doing this  
**dad:** why are you encouraging this

 **mom** : because i can

* * *

 

**_2:00 pm_ **

_[mom created the NCT group chat!]_

_[mom added dad, jhansol, johnnyboyyy, healingsmile, qkun, *screaming* , 123456789Ten, woojae, winwon, newbie #1, newbie #2 and markuri to the chat]_

**mom:** hello other children  
**mom:** welcome to this train wreck of a group chat

 **123456789Ten:** i'm pretty sure you didn't give birth to me but okay

 **johnnyboyyy:** ten honey  
**johnnyboyyy:** he's just trying to be nice please stop the sass

 **123456789Ten:** how does one stop being sassy

 ***screaming*:** idk man it's pretty hard  
***screaming*:** you should ask yoonoh how to stop being sassy  
***screaming*:** oh wait  
***screaming*:** he never fUCKING STOPS

 **woojae:** dongyoung my love  
**woojae:** i love you and all  
**woojae:** but i'm 30 seconds away from strangling you

 **markuri:** so i  
**markuri:** am i supposed to bring in the children yet or

 **healingsmile:** oh yes mark please bring ur children

 **markuri:** they're not my children i-

 **mom:** they're my children

 **jhansol:** you didn't give birth to any of us taeyong

_[jhansol has changed mom's name to TYTrack]_

_[TYTrack has changed their name to mom]_

**mom:** first off  
**mom:** we don't speak of that  
**mom:** secondly  
**mom:** i'll forever be the mom of all of u so hA

 **johnnyboyyy:** why are we friends

 **mom:** shut up u love me

 **johnnyboyyy:** well to be honest here

 **mom:** sHUT  
**mom:** UR MOUTH

_[markuri has added moomin, jEnOO, hyuckie, 1000 watt smile child, *whale noises*, and fetus to the chat]_

**mom:** the children are here now watch ur mouths

 **hyuckie:** oh fuck

 **mom:** i stand corrected  
**mom:** will you stop cursing if I ask

 **hyuckie:** you already know how I am man  
**hyuckie:** once this mouth starts it won't stop

 **qkun:** oh my god

 **dad:** taeyong

 **mom:** yes my love

 **winwon:** *projectiles vomit*

 **newbie #1:** hA

 **dad:** you're not going to stop the children from swearing

 **healingsmile:** he's got a point

 **mom:** :'(

 **johnnyboyyy:** they're their own people TY  
**johnnyboyyy:** you gotta let them grow

 **123456789Ten:** and besides Tae  
**123456789Ten:** even if you did try stopping them  
**123456789Ten:** it wouldn't work because you suck ass at confrontations

_[mom has changed 123456789Ten's name to TNT]_

**mom:** how do you like that shit

 **markuri:** you literally just asked us to stop swearing  
**markuri:** fucking hypocrite

_[TNT changed their name to 123456789Ten]_

**123456789Ten:** never  
**123456789Ten:** ever bring that traumatizing shit up ever again

 ***screaming*:** you're my~

 **123456789Ten:** DONT  
**123456789Ten:** DO IT

 ***SCREAMING*:** Heart Heart Heartbreaker~

_[123456789Ten has removed *SCREAMING * from the chat]_

**jEnOO:** amazing  
**jEnOO:** this is already a train wreck

  
**moomin:** we all saw this coming tbh

_[woojae has added *screaming* to the chat]_

**woojae:** don't remove my man from the chat  
**woojae:** who do you think you are

 **123456789Ten:** wanna talk shit to my face  
**123456789Ten:** biTch

 **dad:** ohmygod

 **newbie #2:** here we go  
**newbie #2:** johnny control your man

_[johnnyboyyy changed their name to chicago child]_

**chicago child:** oh for fucks sake

 **healingsmile:** why do I hear yelling from the kitchen  
**healingsmile** : what the fuck is going on

 **chicago child:** Ten's beating Yoonoh with a sandal

 **jhansol:** and you're just standing there

 **chicago child:** fuck kind of person do you think I am  
**chicago child:** i'm also recording it

 **markuri:** SEND IT TO ME  
**markuri:** PLEASE

 **jhansol:** ME TOO  
**jhansol:** SHIT

 **chicago child:** update  
**chicago child:** taeyong just took the sandal out his hand and is beating both of them with it  
**chicago child:** another update  
**chicago child:** oH FUCK HE JUST HIT ME IN THE FACE

 **hyuckie:** taeyong hyung wyd

 **mom:** there will be no violence in this household

 **123456789Ten:** you just hit me in the face with it what the fUCK  
**123456789Ten:** THAT HURTS

 **winwon:** how do we put up with each other

 ***screaming*:** not even i know

 **fetus:** you know  
**fetus:** i was just taking a nap  
**fetus:** and woke up to this  
**fetus:** why

 **dad:** it's 2 in the afternoon

 **dad:** why are you napping at 2 in the afternoon

 **fetus:** there's no specific time to nap

 **qkun:** shit you right

 **markuri:** jisung our precious child

 **fetus:** sí señor

 **markuri:** did you do the dishes

 **fetus:** .......  
**fetus:** SHIT

 **healingsmile:** HA

 **woojae:** johnny are u okay

 **mom:** he's icing his face right now

 **chicago child:** yo fuck you

 **mom:** :)

 ***whale noises*:** this is out of hand

 **hyuckie:** wym this is amazing

 ***screaming*:** i hate all of you right now

 **woojae:** excuse me

 ***screaming*:** i love you

 **woojae:** that's what I thought  
**woojae:** i love you more

 **jhansol:** disgusted

 **1000 watt smile child:** *vomits*

 **moomin:** *yodels into the distance*

 **hyuckie:** .....

 **newbie #1:** why

 **newbie #2:** no one will ever know

 **123456789Ten:** hey Yukhei

 **newbie #2:** yes?

 **123456789Ten:** shut up

 **newbie #2:** ????  
**newbie #2:** the utter dISRESPECT

 **winwon:** you've gotta get used to it kid

 **markuri:** we all have

 **chicago child:** fuck you guys I deal with that shit

 **123456789Ten:** :)

 **mom:** hey Taeil

 **dad:** yes my love

 **mom:** i regret this  
**mom:** so much

 **dad:** me too


	2. [newbie #2 changed hyuckie's name to satan]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eating bad Chinese food happens, people end up getting hurt and someone should really prevent the dreamies from bursting out into random song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who don't know, the lyrics I used are romanized from KARD's Oh Na Na :)

**_7:24 pm _ **

**mom:** did y'all enjoy that chinese food  
**mom:** because i didn't

 **markuri:** the fact that johnny is throwing up in the bathroom bc of it answers your question

 **newbie #2:** well that's something i didn't need to know

 **markuri:** it's just vomiting yukhei

 **newbie #2:** your point ???

 **dad:** that chinese food was fucking disgusting  
**dad:** yuta's throwing up too

 **woojae:** so is sicheng  & hyuckie

 **jEnOO:** holy shit  
**jEnOO:** where did you get the food from

 **mom:** the chinese restaurant owned by that old couple down the street  
**mom:** why

 **jEnOO:** the last time we ate there, donghyuck, chenle, jisung and i got sick  
**jEnOO:** maybe there's something in the food

 **dad:** i don't know  
**dad:** but this entire dorm sounds like they're dying

 **healingsmile:** oh fuck oFF  
**healingsmile:** i'm never eating there again

 **woojae:** you're the one that suggested it  
**woojae:** but same

 **chicago child:** same

 ***screaming*:** how are you typing and vomiting

 **markuri:** i'm typing from his phone

 ***screaming*:** makes sense

 **newbie #1:** i can imagine taeyong spraying febreeze and disinfectant everywhere

 **dad:** what do you think is happening

 **newbie #1:** ohmygOD

 **moomin:** amazing

 **healingsmile:** okay i'm done

 **jhansol:** you good now?

 **healingsmile:** i'm good now

 **markuri:** johnny's still vomiting what the fuck

 **woojae:** so is sicheng

 **dad:** & donghyuck too

 **1000 watt smile child:** what the fuck did those three eat to be vomiting for 20 minutes

 **dad:** okay donghyuck's good now

 **hyuckie:** please don't make us eat there again  
**hyuckie:** i feel like absolute shit

 **mom:** i'm sorry hyuckie

 **markuri:** okay johnny's good now  
**markuri:** fuck i lied he's doing it again

  
**qkun:** holy shit how long has it been

 ***screaming*:** well it's now 7:34

 **woojae:** and they started vomiting around 7

 **qkun:** don't you think they should, oh i don't know  
**qkun:** maybe go to the fucking hospital

 **woojae:** i'll come over there and dropkick you

 **qkun:** i'd like to see you try you lanky sack of shit

 ***screaming*:** jaehyun please don't

 **fetus:** why is jaehyun hyung running to the other dorm  
**fetus:** why is he already screaming

 ***screaming*:** goddAMN IT JAEHYUN  
***screaming*:** I TOLD YOU NOT TO

 **jhansol:** oh my god  
**jhansol:** kun's just beating him with a pillow

 **healingsmile:** that's it ???

 **jhansol:** and a book

 **mom:** how many of you are in there that could be stopping this right now

 **jhansol:** not including kun, there's me, jungwoo  & yukhei

 ***screaming*:** i'm coming to get you jae

 **mom:** i don't advise that

 **newbie #1:** he did it  
**newbie #1:** and now jaehyun's on the ground clutching his dick  & dongyoung's getting beaten with the book

 **chicago child:** what is it with you guys and hitting each other

 **hyuckie:** oh look he's alive !!!!

 **chicago child:** for such a small person you have a large bitchy attitude inside of you

 **hyuckie:** it's a part of my charm

 **markuri:** no it's not

 **hyuckie:** i thought you loved me ??!??!?!

 **markuri:** i do but

 **hyuckie:** bitch

 **markuri:** see what i mean johnny

 **chicago child:** i see what you mean mark

 **dad:** are any of you actually stopping kun from hurting them or

 **jhansol:** yukhei's recording it

 **123456789Ten:** SEND IT

 **hyuckie:** oh look he's alive too !!!!

 **123456789Ten:** i'll fucking cut you

 **jhansol:** and jeno just ran out of the dreamies dorm room and he's in the doorway watching  
**jhansol:** plus chenle  & renjun

 **mom:** keep my children safe  
**mom:** i'm coming over

 **dad:** the fuck you are  
**dad:** i'm not taking care of all these fuck ups on my own

 **winwon:** excuse me

 **markuri:** i  
**markuri:** wow love you too dad

 **healingsmile:** the feeling's mutual  
**healingsmile:** bitch

 **dad:** if anything i'll come down there with you  
**dad:** and the next two oldest will become the parents

 **jhansol:** um  
**jhansol:** no

 **chicago child:** the fuck i am  
**chicago child:** dongyoung  & jaehyun can

 **jEnOO:** those two are dead good luck with that

 **chicago child:** fUCK

 **jhansol:** oh my god taeyong showed up  
**jhansol:** HE'S PINCHING KUN OH MY HOD

 **healingsmile:** i'm literally fucking wHEEZING

 **newbie #1:** KUN JUST HIT HIM  
**newbie #1:** THE MOM IS DOWN

 **jhansol:** FUCK

 **jEnOO:** TAEIL HYUNG'S DOWN TOO

 **chicago child:** FUCK

 **markuri:** is yukhei still recording

 **jhansol:** yes

 **markuri:** good i need that for when i need to laugh

 **hyuckie:** but you laugh at my jokes tho

 **markuri:** i laugh _AT_ you  
**markuri:** not _WITH_  you  
**markuri:** there's a difference

 **winwon:** shots fIRED

 **123456789Ten:** HA

 **jhansol:** update  
**jhansol:** KUN IS DOWN  
**jhansol:** WAY TO GO DONGYOUNG

 **chicago child:** are taeil  & taeyong still down  
**chicago child:** i really don't want to be the dad

 **jhansol:** yes  
**jhansol:** and i don't want to be the mom youngho i feel ur pain

 **123456789Ten:** well i mean  
**123456789Ten:** i'm dating him so i'll be the mom :)

 **healingsmile:** a mom who's smaller than all of his sons  
**healingsmile:** iconic

 **123456789Ten:** the next time i see you you're going to run hard  
**123456789Ten:** and fucking fast

 **healingsmile:** _nyoom_

 **jhansol:** taeil is up and pinching kun  
**jhansol:** and taeyong just dragged jeno, renjun  & chenle from out of the corridor & put them back in the dreamies dorm

 **jEnOO:** has yukhei hyung stopped recording

 **newbie #1:** well now that the 4 of them are heading back to the dorm  
**newbie #1:** yes

_[1000 watt smile child has changed newbie #1's name to woowoo]_

**woowoo:** oh thank you

 **123456789Ten:** yukhei

 **newbie #2:** yes hyung

 **123456789Ten:** can you send the video to all of us

 **newbie #2:** already sent :))

 **markuri:** aAAAA THANK YOU

 **newbie #2:** aAAAA  
**newbie #2:** YOU'RE WELCOME

 **woojae** : glad your enjoying our suffering

 **markuri:** hey no problem

 **hyuckie:** i can hear johnny's cackling from here  
**hyuckie:** amazing

 **chicago child:** taeyong you're about to lose a kid

 **mom:** please don't kill my son  
**mom:** even though he's fucking spawn of satan please don't kill him

 **markuri:** and he's my boyfriend  
**markuri:** please don't even though we want to strangle each other 24/7

_[newbie #2 changed hyuckie's name to satan]_

**satan:** die

_[satan changed newbie #2's name to lucYAS]_

**lucYAS:** i'm okay with this

 **chicago child:** that's better than being called a newbie for the rest of your life

 **moomin:** speaking from experience ??

 **chicago child:** _taeyong_

 **mom:** please don't

 **dad:** so in an hour we went from johnny, yuta, donghyuck  & sicheng throwing up  
**dad:** to jaehyun threatning kun  & then getting his ass handed to him

 **woojae:** wow love you too

 **dad:** to taeyong  & i getting our asses handed to us

 **woojae:** there we go  
**woojae:** don't forget that

 **dad:** to donghyuck being called satan

 **satan:** i call bullshit on that

 **markuri:** why are u lying

 **dad:** and to youngho trying to kill off children  
**dad:** what is this group chat

 **jhansol:** i don't know but lemme tell you something  
**jhansol:** jisung just ran over here and asked if everything was okay  & then proceeded to ask yukhei for the video

 **123456789Ten:** and ??

 **jhansol:** he's over here literally crying

 **jEnOO:** protect jisung  
**jEnOO:** even though he's a little fucking dick

 **fetus:** oh fuck off

 **qkun:** how many times do we say that a day

 **healingsmile:** i don't know but everytime that we did i'd have over 50 fucking dollars

 **qkun:** u right

 **dad:** hey ten

 **123456789Ten:** yes taeil

 **dad:** where's the banana milk i asked you to buy

 **123456789Ten:** .....  
**123456789Ten:** FUCK

 **chicago child:** hey who wants pictures of dongyoung  & jaehyun sleeping & cuddling

 **markuri:** hmu

 **jhansol:** yo me too

 **chicago child:** _[image]_  
**chicago child:** _[image]_  
**chicago child:** _[image]_

 **jhansol:** beautiful  
**jhansol:** cringy but beautiful

 **markuri:** i'm going to use those as blackmail if they ever piss me off  
**markuri:** but otherwise that's really fucking cute

 **mom:** sometimes i ever wonder if donghyuck is influencing you to talk like that

 **markuri:** if i ever start acting and talking like donghyuck someone better strangle me or ill kill myself

 **mom:** im not losing kids  
**mom:** if you start acting like donghyuck tho we might

 **markuri:** oh

 **satan:** oh

 **1000 watt smile child:** oh

 **woowoo:** your name is too long hold on a sec

_[woowoo chanhed 1000 watt smile child's name to nanana]_

**woowoo:** that's so much better

 **nanana:** you know what that reminds me of

 **lucYAS:** please don't

 **qkun:** do not

 **nanana:** DALKOMNHAN NUNBICHERURO NAL NOGYEOJWOYO

 **fetus:** OH NA NA NA

 **chicago child:** oh my fucking _god_

 **dad:** someone send help  
**dad:** pls

 **moomin:** GEUDAE TTEUGEOUN GASEUMI

 **nanana:** JOGEUMMAN SIGEODO TORAJILJIDO MOLLA

 **fetus:** YEONGWONHI GYEOTE ISSEO NAL JIKYEOJWOYO

 **moomin:** ONEULCHEOREOM OH NA NA

 **mom:** ENOUGH  
**mom:** SHIT

 **jhansol:** that made me want to die

 **woojae:** are you really that depressed or

 **jhansol:** all up to you to figure that one out buddy

 **mom:** GOOD NIGHT

 **fetus:** nighty night !!!!!!! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so unfunny help 
> 
> ~Kaylee


	3. [123456789Ten has removed yukkuri from the chat]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking out in song occurs, some of the members try throwing Donghyuck out of the group/family & there's talks about getitng dicked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look there's sexual content at the end who's not surprised, me :')

**_5:35 am _ **

**jEnOO:** who the fuck  
**jEnOO:** is singing  
**jEnOO:** _Don't Trust Me_ by 3OH!3 this early in the morning

 **healingsmile:** i think it's ten  
**healingsmile:** but i mean  
**healingsmile:** it is a good song

 **jEnOO:** @ chicago child  
**jEnOO:** smother your bf please

 **chicago child:** what do you think i'm trying to do  
**chicago child:** ten i stg if you're going to break out in song i will do it

_[healingsmile has changed their name to yukkuri]_

**yukkuri:** black dress with the tights underneath  
**yukkuri:** i got the breath of the last cigarette on my teeth  
**yukkuri:** and she's an actress  
**yukkuri:** but she ain't got no need

 **chicago child:** oh my _god_

 **jEnOO:** oh fuck it  
**jEnOO:** she's got money from her parents in a trust fund back east  
**jEnOO:** t-t-t-tongues always pressed to your cheeks  
**jEnOO:** t-tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef

 **123456789Ten:** THAT I'M A VEGETARIAN AND I AIN'T FUCKING SCARED OF HIM

 **chicago child:** ohmygOD

 **jhansol:** what the fuck guys

 **yukkuri:** she wants to touch me whoa~~  
**yukkuri:** she wants to love me whoa~~  
**yukkuri:** she'll never leave me whoa, whoa, oh, oh~~

 **jhansol:** i'm fucking killing myself

 **chicago child:** please don't

 **jEnOO:** don't trust a ho  
**jEnOO:** never trust a ho  
**jEnOO:** cause a hoe won't trust me

 **markuri:** can i join in on this

 **chicago child:** mark i expected better from you

 **markuri:** says the one that used to play this during our trainee days

 **jhansol:** #EXPOSEDT

 **chicago child:** touché  
**chicago child:** go ahead

 **markuri:** x's on the back of your hands  
**markuri:** wash them in the bathroom to drink like the bands  
**markuri:** and your set list (set list)  
**markuri:** you stole off the stage

 **123456789Ten:** had red and purple lipstick all over the page  
**123456789Ten:** be-be-be-bruises cover your arms  
**123456789Ten:** shaking in the fingers with the bottle in your palm

 **jEnOO:** and the best is (best is)  
**jEnOO:** no one knows who you are

 **yukkuri:** just another girl alone at the bar

 **mom:** oh my fucking god  
**mom:** are you going to finish the entire song this morning

 **jhansol:** i honestly hope fucking not

 **chicago child:** if they do  
**chicago child:** do i have permission to smother every single one of them

 **mom:** _youngho_

 **chicago child:** f I N E

 **dad:** go back to bed

 **jEnOO:** but

 **dad:** back. to. bed.

 **jEnOO:** OKAY FINE  
**jEnOO:** WE'LL FINISH THIS LATER

 **dad:** THANK YOU

 **jhansol:** THANKS

* * *

**_ 10:37 am _ **

**qkun:** what the fuck possessed you guys to break out into song at the crack of ass

 **markuri:** what the fuck possessed you to say the "crack of ass"

 **yukkuri:** _snort_

 **123456789Ten:** _snort_

 **satan:** _snort snort_

 **qkun:** what the fuck are you snorting

 **123456789Ten:** air

 **jEnOO:** cocaine

 **chicago child:** there are two types of people in the world  
**chicago child:** and it just so happens that i know the both of them

 **satan:** unfortunately we know you

 **chicago child:** _taeyong_

 **mom:** i said _no_

 **chicago child:** god fucking damn it

 **woojae:** so that happened

 **markuri:** _jaehyunsssss_

 **woojae:** _markuriiiiii_

 **yukkuri:** guys what the fuck  
**yukkuri:** i was about to get dicked

 **mom** : THERE ARE MINORS U FUCK

 **chicago child:** I JUST CHOKED OHMYGOF

 **fetus:** .........

 **mom:** i'm sorry you had to see that

 **fetus:** ...  
**fetus:** i think i'm just going to go back to bed and pretend that never happened

 **moomin:** me too jisung  
**moomin:** me too

_[123456789Ten has removed yukkuri from the chat]_

**123456789Ten:** you're all welcome

 **jhansol:** he wasn't going to get dicked in the 1st place that fucking liar

_[jhansol has added yukkuri to the chat]_

**markuri:** i was eating  
**markuri:** but i think i'm good now

 **satan:** anyways  
**satan:** have fun touching your dicks gaylords

 **dad:** petition to have donghyuck removed as a member of this family say i  
**dad:** i

 **jhansol:** i

 **qkun:** i

 **mom:** why are you guys dropping my child

 **woojae:** i mean  
**woojae:** sometimes i hate the little fucker but no

 **satan:** :')

 **winwon:** noooo

 **woowoo:** no

 **lucYAS:** he doesn't torture me so it's all okay

 **markuri:** YES YES YES  
**markuri:** I

 **satan:** BITCH

 **moomin:** he smacked me the other day  
**moomin:** i

 **dad:** well majority rules so

 **satan:** NO DON'T  
**satan:** i'll make you guys breakfast

 **dad:** ......deal

 **mom:** just don't burn down the kitchen please ily

 **satan:** ily2

 **markuri:** ily can you make waffles

 **satan:** you voted to throw me out and wE'RE DATING

 **markuri:** I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU

 **satan:** TOO LATE

 **markuri:** NO WAIT PLEASE

 **woojae:** i'm actually cackling this is gREAT

 **chicago child:** i know we all can hear you loud ass

_[woojae had changed chicago child's name to youngHOE]_

**youngHOE:** wow okay i see how this is  
**youngHOE:** two can play at that game

 **fetus:** oh my god

_[youngHOE has changed woojae's name to casper]_

**youngHOE:** how do you like that shit

 **123456789Ten:** is it too late for me to leave this group

 **mom:** nope sorry ur my child i'm not letting that happen

 **123456789Ten:** LET ME GO FUCK

 **mom:** NO WE LOVE YOU

 **youngHOE:** sometimes i wonder why i'm dating ten

 **123456789Ten:** i'll kick you in the face

 **youngHOE:** can your legs even reach my face

 **woowoo:** HAHAHAHA

 **youngHOE** : FUCK HE REACHED OVER THE BED & KICKED ME IN THE JAW

 **123456789Ten:** SERVES YOU RIGHT FOR TALKING SHIT  
**123456789Ten:** BITCH

 ***screaming*:** i thought relationships were supposed to be loving  
***screaming*:** what the fuck happened to that

 **yukkuri:** okay but have you met ten  
**yukkuri:** he's such a little ray of sunshine  & cuddles but if you talk shit he can kill you

 **123456789Ten:** :)

 **youngHOE:** say that to my face he just fUCKING KICKED

 **satan:** WAFFLES ARE DONE  
**satan:** I REPEAT  
**satan:** WAFFLES ARE DONE

 **markuri:** FUCK YEAH

 **nanana:** this group is too much

 **satan:** you right  
**satan:** now are you getting ur fucking waffles or not

 **nanana:** _NYOOM_

* * *

  ** _11:32 pm_**

 **123456789Ten:** psa

 **winwon:** oh my god

 **123456789Ten:** seo youngho gives really great head

 **mom:** you are so fucking lucky that i told the dreamies to turn their phones off so they can get sleep  
**mom:** otherwise i would fucking murder you

 ***screaming*:** is johnny getting dicked

 **markuri:** jesus fucking christ

 **jhansol:** y'all want another psa

 **dad:** i'm actually going to smother someone if it's about sex

 **jhansol:** well be prepared for my psa bitch  
**jhansol:** nakamoto yuta gives good head too

 ***screaming*:** so does jaehyun actually

 **markuri:** how many of you are getting head right now

 **qkun:** i'm about ready to walk away from this group

 **woowoo:** what the fuck is going on

 **123456789Ten:** i am :)

 **jhansol:** aye same

 ***screaming*:** same here  :))

 **markuri:** i can hear ten moaning  
**markuri:** i'm going to the dreamies dorm to sleep tonight bYE

 **dad:** tAKE ME WITH YOU

 **markuri:** COME ON LET'S GO THEN

 **qkun:** you're all getting blocked gOODBYE

 **yukkuri:** :)

 **qkun:** actually die

 **yukkuri:** well someone needs to get dicked  
**yukkuri:** speaking of which

 **winwon:** IM GONE  
**winwon:** TAEYONG MARK TAEIL TAKE ME WITH YOU

 **mom:** COME ON THEN

 **markuri:** who's going to make sex jokes tomorrow  & not regret it say i

 **mom:** i

 **dad:** i

 **qkun:** i

 **markuri:** i

 **winwon:** i

 ***screaming*:** the only thing i'm not regretting is dicking someone

 **dad:** die  
**dad:** actually fucking die

 **mom:** i actually regret creating this group

 **markuri:** i regret being in this group  
**markuri:** so, so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fact that I know 3OH!'s Don't Trust Me lyrics by heart should tell you a lot about me tbh
> 
> ~Kaylee


	4. WHERE'S THE DOGGO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puppers are seen and members try to run away
> 
> Plus Jeno suffers™ and Johnny is a part of the Chenle Protection Squad™

_**7:22 am** _

**casper:** dongyoung  
**casper:** i actually want to kill you

 **lucYAS:** i actually want to die after reading about people getting dicked

 **jEnOO:** forget about people getting dicked for a sec  
**jEnOO:** I SEE A DOGGO

 **casper:**  WHERE

 **lucYAS:** WHERE'S THE DOGGO

 **jEnOO:** LOOK OUT THE WINDOW

 **casper:**  THERE'S 4 DOGGOS  
**casper:** AAAA

 **youngHOE:** WHAT DOGGOS  
**youngHOE:** I SEE THEM  
**youngHOE:** CUTE DOGGOS

 **jEnOO:** JISUNG GET BACK IN THE DORM

 **fetus:** THEY'RE MY NEW FAMILY NOW  
**fetus:** THEY DIDN'T LEAVE ME LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM LAST NIGHT

 **jEnOO:** I DIDN'T EVEN DO TJAT  
**jEnOO:** YOU'RE IN FLUFFY PANTS & A THIN TSHIRT GET UR LANKY ASS BACK HERE

 **fetus:** NO FUCK U  
**fetus:** U AREN'T MY DAD  
**fetus:** I HAVE PICTURES  
**fetus:** WHO WANTS TO SEE

 **youngHOE:** ME

 **casper:** MOI

 **jEnOO:** PLEASE I WANNA SEE  
**jEnOO:** RENJUN GET BACK IN HERE

 **moomin:** I'M JOINING THEIR FAMILY NOW  
**moomin:** NO ONE CAN STOP ME

 **fetus:** _[image]_  
**fetus:** _[image]_

 **moomin:** _[image]_  
**moomin:** _[image]_  
**moomin:** _[image]_  
**moomin:** _[image]_

 **casper:** cYOOT

 **youngHOE:** AAAAAA

 **jEnOO:** MARK GET BACK IN THW DORM DON'T LEAVE ME IN HERE

 **markuri:** YOU'RE THE NEW DREAM LEADER HAVE FUN BITHC

 **jEnOO:** oHMYGOD  
**jEnOO:**  CHENLE STOP GET BACK HERE

 ***whale noises*:** NO I WANNA SEE THE DOGGOS

 **jEnOO:**  C H E N L E

 ***whale noises*:** Y O U  
***whale noises*:** C A N T  
***whale noises*:** S T O P  
***whale noises*:** W H A T  
***whale noises*:** N E E D S  
***whale noises*:** T O  
***whale noises*:** H A P P E N

 **youngHOE:** TEN  
**youngHOE:** TEN WAIT COME BACK

 **123456789Ten:** LET ME SEE THE GODDAMN PUPPERS

 **youngHOE:** UR SHIRTLESS

 **123456789Ten:** IT WON'T HURT ANYONE

 **mom:** im physically lsughign at the teenage boys huddled outside thsi is grwt

 **yukkuri:** JENO'S FUCKJNG DRAGGING CHENLE AND RENJUN ISNIDE  
**yukkuri:** I CANT BREAOHE

 **mom:** TAEIL GET BACK HERE

 **dad:** NO YOU LEAVE ME ALONE  
**dad:** I SEE THE DOGS IM TAKING A CHANCE

 **mom:** TAEIL

 **dad:** NO

 **qkun:** oh my gOD  
**qkun:** HANSOL JSUT RAN OUT THE DOOR IM GONE

 **jhansol:** WAIT FOR ME  
**jhansol:** TAKE ME WITH YOU

 **lucYAS:** WBABWGAVQU

 **yukkuri:** NO DON'T LEAVE ME

 **youngHOE:** okay the dogs are leaving.  
**youngHOE:** JISUNG STOP CHASING THE DOGS

 **fetus:** NO I NEED TO LOVE THEM

 **youngHOE:** JISUNG

 **fetus:** THEY NEED MY LOVE AND ATTENTION  
**fetus:** JENO GET UR HABDS OFF OF  
ME

 **jEnOO:**  GET BACK IN THE FUCKING DORM

 **fetus:** BUT

 **jEnOO:**  THEY'RE GONE LEAVE THEM ALONE

 ***screaming*:** I CAN'T BREATHE

 **mom:** MARK GET BACK HERE  
**mom:** MARK

 **markuri:** NO JENO CAN BECOME THE LEADER NOW  
**markuri:** THE DOGS SEEM TO APPRECIATE ME MORE

 **dad:** i have mark  
**dad:** STOP FIGHTING ME  & GET BACK IN THE DORM

 **woowoo:** I CAN'T BREATHE  
**woowoo:** SOMEONE SEND HELP

 **lucYAS:** nope

 **satan:** well now that everyone is back in the dorm  
**satan:** and it's nice that chenle is back  & active in the gc god bless u

 ***whale noises*:** thank u hyung

 **satan:** while you were chasing dogs and god knows what the fuck else  
**satan:** johnny and i made breakfast for everyone

 **123456789Ten:** everyone?

 **youngHOE:** _e v e r y o n e_

 **mom:** god bless u children

 **satan:** we tried

 **qkun:** why does it smell like some things were burnt

 **youngHOE:** like hyuckie said  
**youngHOE:** _we tried_

 **mom:** i'l make whatever you guys burnt

 **casper:** that's a good idea  
**casper:** johnny sucks ass at cooking

 **youngHOE:** jae i thought we were brothers man

 **casper:** yeah well you thought wrong

 **fetus:** _SNORT_

* * *

  ** _10:21 am_**

 **qkun:** so how was the dicking that went on last night  
**qkun:** @ *screaming* @casper @123456789Ten @youngHOE @yukkuri @jhansol

 **casper:** die

 **qkun:** you go die gaylord

 **yukkuri:** you got a lot a room to talk since you're dating @ winwon

 **youngHOE:** honestly tho

 **123456789Ten:** the dicking was great

 **mom:** but weren't you the one dicking

 **123456789Ten:** yeah your point ??

 **mom:** wow the sass was really unnecessary

 **youngHOE:** ten please don't get sassy

 **123456789Ten:** you have no right to be talking to me you asshole

 **jhansol:** i may be a little lost but what happened ?????

 **youngHOE:** so i brought up SNSD's comeback last night right

 **jhansol:** ohmygod

 **youngHOE:** and i said "i can't wait to hear their new song! everyone's going to love it, it'll be great!"  
**youngHOE:** and _fucking ten_ looks at me and says, "why don't you tell yoona that since you've had a crush on her for the longest time?"

 **123456789Ten:** IM SORRY OKAY

 **youngHOE:** IT WAS MONTHS AGO GET OVER IT

 ***screaming*:** why does everything that you say come back to bite you in the ass

 **youngHOE:** honestly i don't know  
**youngHOE:** but ten likes to throw things in my face

 **mom:** oh my god

 **123456789Ten:** i said i was sorry u bitches

 **jEnOO:** jaemin is yelling at me hELP

 **jhansol:** why are u always the one suffering i don't understand

 **jEnOO:** ikr i didn't ask for any of this  
**jEnOO:** JAEMIN IM SORRY I BEAT U AT MARIOKART

 **nanana:** PRINCESS PEACH DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE THAT WAY U ASS

 **jEnOO:** I SAID I WAS SORRY

 **nanana:** U RAN HER OFF OF RAINBOW ROAD U PETTY BITCH  
**nanana:** JUST BC I ACCIDENTALLY KICKED U

 **markuri:** i love you guys and all  
**markuri:** but i should've ran away from this group when it started

 ***whale noises*:** jaemin hyung pls don't hurt jeno hyung

 **youngHOE:** protect my precious child™

 **mom:** since when was he your child

 **youngHOE:** i adopted him bc he treats me well

 ***whale noises*:** aaaaaa ily hyung

 **youngHOE:** aaaaa ily too chenle

 **123456789Ten:** johnny looks like he's about to cry oh my god

 **youngHOE:** BC HE'S SO PRECIOUS AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO PROTECT HIM

 **jEnOO:** HI HELLO JAEMIN'S TRYING TO KILL ME

 **satan:** sorry i don't hear nor see anything

 **jEnOO:** YOU JUST WALKED INTO THE KITCHEN AND IGNORED YOU FUCKING DICK

 **satan:** ignored what now?

 **jEnOO:** DONGHYUCK

 **moomin:** sorry i don't see anything either

 **jEnOO:** RENJUN I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS MAN  
**jEnOO:** JAEMIN GET OfF OF ME

 **mom:** do i need to save u guys again

 **yukkuri:** no no let them fight it out  
**yukkuri:** this is pretty interesting

 **jEnOO:** JISUNG HELP

 **fetus:** I'M ON MY WAY

 **casper:** donghyuck my man give us an insight of what's going on right now

 **satan:** jisung entered the mix  
**satan:** he took down jaemin ohmygOD  
**satan:** FUCKING CHENLE CAME INTO IT TOO

 **youngHOE:** DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY SON

 **moomin:** i might actually have to get chenle out of there ohmygod  
**moomin:** he kICKED JISUNG ON ACCIDENT SOMEONE HELP

 **mom:** NO ONE HURTS MY SONS

 **youngHOE:** CHENLE IM COMING FOR YOU

 **satan:** MARK JOINED IN ON IT IM PHYSICALLY WHEEZING

 **woowoo:** WHO'S RECORDING

 **satan:** RENJUN IS  
**satan:** JOHNNY  & TAEYONG SHOWED UP

 **winwon:** WHAT HAPPENED

 **satan:** TAEYONG'S DRAGGING JISUNG AND MARK BACK TO THEIR ROOMS

 **qkun:** ohmygoD

 **satan:** JOHNNY IS PRYING CHENLE AND JISUNG OFF OF EACH OTHER AND JENO LOOKS LIKE HE'S DEAD

 **jENOO:** i fucking feel like it  
**jEnOO:** fucking jaemin sat on my chest the entire time

 **jhansol:** it's honestly too early for this  
**jhansol:** i'm going to dance i'll talk to you all later

 **markuri:** byeeee

 **mom:** johnny we aren't taking chenle back to the dorm with us

 **youngHOE:** well you're taking mark and jisung

 **mom:** ......  
**mom:** good point you can bring him

 **dad:** i don't know if you guys remember this  
**dad:** but we have a performance to film in 3 hours

 **yukkuri:** OH FUCK

 ***screaming*:** FuCK

 **mom:** IS EVERYONE DRESSED

 **dad:** YEA

 **youngHOE:** SÍ

 **yukkuri:** はい

 ***screaming*:** YEAH

 **casper:** IM PUTTING ON SHOES NOW

 **winwon:** 是

 **markuri:** YEAH LEMME GET SHOES ON

 **satan:** YES

 **mom:** okay ten, kun, jungwoo, yukhei  & renjun you're all watching the babies  
**mom:** GET IN THE CAR EVERYONE GO GO GO

 **qkun:** .....  
**qkun:** i didn't sign up to be a babysitter but whatever you say

 **jEnOO:** you and me both hyung  
**jEnOO:** you and me both

 **123456789Ten:** i think it'll be fun

 **woowoo:** yeah until one of them pisses you off or at least attempts to

 **jEnOO:** he's got a point

 **qkun:** yeah he really does

 **123456789Ten:** ......  
**123456789Ten:** shut up 

* * *

  ** _5:58 pm_**

 **youngHOE:** so we brought back food

 **qkun:** is that why you were gone for so long

 **youngHOE:** fuck you we didn't have to bring you guys food at all

 **dad:** well at least the dorm doesn't look too much like a disaster  
**dad:** ......  
**dad:** i stand corrected

 **mom:** why the fuck does it look like the kitchen is about to explode

 **123456789Ten:** i can explain

 ***screaming*:** ten what the fuck did you do

 **123456789Ten:** i'll fuck your ass up church boy let me explain  
**123456789Ten:** so i wanted to make lunch and i let the bowl of soup in the microwave for too long  
**123456789Ten:** and jisung tried making tea but it boiled over

 **fetus:** thanks for ratting me out you asshole

 **123456789Ten:** no problem anyways  
**123456789Ten:** jungwoo tried cleaning up the mess but slipped and fell

 **casper:** jesus christ dude are you okay

 **woowoo:** i'm lying in taeil's bed right now it's all good

 **mom:** ...... I'm going to bed

 **dad:** count me in

 **youngHOE:** me three

 ***screaming*:** see y'all in the morning

 **satan:** nighty night

 **markuri:** good night guys

 **yukkuri:** goodnight~~~

 **winwon:** sleep tight and rest well~

* * *

**_12:05 am _ **

**jhansol:** what the fuck is wrong with you guys

 **jEnOO:** no one knows anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> はい: Yes in Japanese  
> 是: Yes in Simplified Chinese


	5. kun you've done fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kun adds in the EXO members and the chaos becomes even worse. And members get pissed over Shameless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minseok: bao zi/seokkie hyung/ grandpa  
> Joonmyeon: sunnouncer/esuhort/suHO/father  
> Yixing: unicorn/help me  
> Baekhyun: bacon  
> Jongdae: chenchen/chencing machine  
> Chanyeol: yeollie/happy virus  
> Kyungsoo: satansoo  
> Jongin: nini  
> Sehun: senshine/#2 headass

**_ 12:15 am _ **

***screaming*:** why is mark yelling @ his laptop already

 **nanana:** he's watching shameless

 **markuri:** THIS IS FUCKED UP

 **jEnOO:** here we go again

 **123456789Ten:** johnny, dongyoung  & jaehyun were doing this the other night so it's okay

 **markuri:** CARL _DID NOT_ GET CIRCUMCISED TO GET ACCUSED BY DOMINIQUE'S FATHER OF GIVING HER GONORRHEA  & SHE CHEATS ON HIM WITH AN OLDER MAN  
**markuri:** IM PISSED

 **casper:** YO ME TOO

 ***screaming*:** fucking sAME

 **youngHOE:** YEAH ME TOO

 **nanana:** here we go

 **mom:** YO IM ON THE SAME EPISODE  
**mom:** THAT'S FUCKED UP

 **jEnOO:** sehun hyung was ranting to me about it yesterday too it's all good

 **qkun:** we should add them

 **yukkuri:** please no

 **youngHOE:** please do it

 **yukkuri:** why are you always against me

 **youngHOE:** why are you a dick 70% of the time

 **yukkuri:** ......  
**yukkuri:** point proven

_[qkun has added bao zi, sunnouncer, unicorn, bacon, chenchen, yeollie, satansoo, nini, and senshine to the chat]_

**senshine:** JOHNNYYY  
**senshine:** MY BOY

 **youngHOE:** SEHUNNN  
**youngHOE:** MY BOY

 **senshine:** AYEEEEEE

 **youngHOE:** AYEEEEE

 **bao zi:** hello children

 **markuri:** HYUNG

 **bao zi:** MARK

 **markuri:** AAA HI :))

 **bao zi:** HELLO YOU HYPER BEAN :))

 **nini:** oi haNSOL

 **jhansol:** oi joNGIN

 **yeollie:** TEN

 **123456789Ten** : YEOLLIE HYUNG

 **unicorn:** <3 <3

 ***whale noises*:** HYUNG

 **moomin:** HYUNG

 **winwon:** HYUNGGGGG

 **unicorn:** i feel the love  
**unicorn:** hello my children

 **satansoo:** what the fuck is this

 **dad:** i was actually waiting for that tbh

 **casper:** jesus christ there's 2 satan's now

 **satansoo:** :)

 **satan:** :)

 **markuri:** sehun hyung  
**markuri:** wanna come watch shameless with me

 **senshine:** you bet your fucking ass i am

 **casper:** me too

 ***screaming*:** count me in

 **youngHOE:** im coming too

 **markuri:** i said sehun hyung not my entire fucking band but okay 

 **casper:** fuck off you little ass twit 

 **123456789Ten:**  @youngHOE @senshine don't touch dicks you two

 **youngHOE:** ten i stg

 **123456789Ten:** :)

 **woowoo:** this is going to be a mess  
**woowoo:** i can feel it

 **lucYAS:** it's a mess already tho ?????

 **woowoo:** shit  
**woowoo:** you're right

 **youngHOE:** SEHUN

 **senshine:** W H A T

 **youngHOE:** STOP PUSSYFOOTING AND GET OVER HERE

 **senshine:** CALM YOURSELF IM COMING

 **chenchen:** kun you've done fucked up

 **qkun:** f u c k  i know

* * *

**_ 6:00 am _ **

**yukkuri:** johnny?  
**yukkuri:** mark?  
**yukkuri:** sehun?  
**yukkuri:** dongyoung? jaehyun? taeyong?  
**yukkuri:** alright they're all finally asleep thank god

 **senshine:** bitch no we aren't  
**senshine:** we're almost done with season 7

 **dad:** i think i can hear mark  & donngyoung about ready to scream from here tbh

 **sunnouncer:** usually sehun does that when he watches shameless  
**sunnouncer:** i feel your pain

 **satansoo:** except you're a single parent of 8 kids

 **sunnouncer:** it'll be 7 if you keep talking like that

 **mom:** WE'RE FINISHED

 **nini:** taeyong- "im tired"  
**nini:** also taeyong- stays up for 5 hours to binge watch shameless

 **mom:** you're going to be down a fucking kid @ sunnouncer

 **sunnouncer:** as much as i would like that

 **nini:** wow fuck you too asshole

 **sunnouncer:** I WASN'T FINISHED WHAT THE FUCK  
**sunnouncer:** i stg i get no fucking respect around here

 **dad:** oh hey same

 **sunnouncer:** :')

 **dad:** :')

 **nanana:** the struggles of the two fathers pt 1

 **dad:** taeyong

 **mom:** do NOT kill him

 **123456789Ten:** hey you guys done touching dicks yet

 **youngHOE:** that's it

_[youngHOE has removed 123456789Ten from the chat]_

**youngHOE:** thank

_[yeollie has added 123456789Ten to the chat]_

**youngHOE:** why do u have to make me suffer man i thought we were friends  
**youngHOE:** _on second thought_  
**youngHOE:** don't answer that

 **123456789Ten:** it's bc im a ball of fluff and your a large ball of what the fuck  
**123456789Ten:** the "what the fuck" part being your loud ass parrot impressions

 **yukkuri:** SNORT

 **bacon:** SNORT SNORT

 **jEnOO:** oh here comes the cocaine snorting

_[fetus has removed jEnOO from the chat]_

**fetus:** who the fuck keeps talking to him about cocaine

_[winwon has added jEnOO to the chat]_

**jEnOO:** me bitch i watch crime programs

 **chenchen:** taeyong jesus christ control your child

 **mom:** youngho you willing to adopt jeno

 **youngHOE:** COME HERE MY CHILD

 **chenchen:** well holy fuck that settles it

 **jEnOO:** johnnyYYY

 **youngHOE:** jenoOOO

 **sunnouncer:** sehun get back to the dorm we gotta practice

 **senshine:** what if i don't want to

 **sunnouncer:** youngho get your fucking friend over to the dorm before exo's down another member

 **senshine:** don't do it

 **youngHOE:** dude you gotta go  
**youngHOE:** before joonmyeon kills you and taeyong slits my fucking throat

 **senshine:** uGH FINE

 **bao zi:** why do you think taeyong will slit your throat what the fuck

 **youngHOE:** well _first_ off that bitch is good at cooking and _two_  
**youngHOE:** he  & jeno watch criminal minds and all that crime shit so they can get away with murder if they really wanted to

 **bao zi:**  ......  
**bao zi:** damn okay and i thought soo was bad

 **yeollie:** he came at me with scissors one time and tried stabbing me in the neck how isn't that bad ???

 **bacon:** he can't even reach your neck tho

 **satansoo:** but i can reach yours fucker

 **yeollie:** jUNMYEON HIDE ANYTHING SHARP GO GO GO

 **unicorn:** oh my god

 **satan:** how do you guys even survive in that dorm im v confused

 **nini:** we don't  
**nini:** with yeol using his height as an advantage and my boyfriend trying to kill people you have to fight to survive

 **casper:** hey sehun how is it over there ?

 **senshine:** ....  
**senshine:** do you really want me to answer that

 **dad:** yes

 **mom:** yes

 **123456789Ten:** yEAH

 **youngHOE:** ah the times where we'd almost get murdered by kyungsoo :')  
**youngHOE:** good ol' days :')

 **senshine:** okay sO  
**senshine:** i walked in through the door and here there's kyungsoo on baekhyun's back, jongin's trying to pull soo off of him and chanyeol's trying to break them up

 **jhansol:** anybody recording ???

 ***screaming*:** holy shit you live for the violence don't you

 **jhansol:** you bet your fucking ass i do

 **senshine:** minseok hyung and jongdae hyung are :')

 **woowoo:** what about the others ??

 **senshine:** yixing's cursing in chinese  & junmyeon looks about ready to off himself

 **mom:** awh poor you

 **sunnouncer:** yo fuck off you don't deal with this bullshit

 **mom:** wanna bet

 **dad:** taeyong  
**dad:** TAEYONG GET BACK IN HERE  
**dad:** T A E Y O N G

 **markuri:** ohmygod he fucking rAN

 **qkun:** ......  
**qkun:** can i go back to china yet

 **youngHOE:** nope sorry that's not an option

 **qkun:** goddAMN IT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :')


	6. what is forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno and Mark become upset, Yukhei obsesses over a webtoon and Jeno should stop watching crime dramas before Jisung attempts to kill him.
> 
> Also, more violence occurs (as if that isn't surprising).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooo would you look at that, some slight angst :')
> 
> & this is a continuance from the last chapter (same day)

**_12:42 pm_ **

**bacon:** okay now that sehun  & johnny are in the same chat i can do this

_[bacon has changed senshine's name to #2 headass]_

_[bacon has changed youngHOE's name to #1 headass]_

**#1 headass:** okay but what the fuck did i ever do to you

 **#2 headass:** lol you actually think that hurts me

 **dad:** why does my boyfriend have a large ass bruise on his thigh and shoulder

 **lucYAS:** @ sunnouncer what the fuck did you do

 **sunnouncer:** oh i punched him

 **fetus:** i just snorted goodbYE

 **mom:** youngho you want another kid

 **#1 headass:**....do i have to

 **fetus:** i thought you loved me  
**fetus:** bitch

 **#1 headass:** i was going to adopt you  
**#1 headass:** but i think mark would like a kid

 **markuri:** no  
**markuri:**  no i would not  
**markuri:** after dealing with jaemin, jeno  & chenle i think im good

 **nanana:**  what did i ever do to you

 **markuri:** really?  
**markuri:** "hey mark what would you do if you were in a poly relationship"  
**markuri:** nO THANK YOU

 **winwon:** was he actually suggesting that he, you  & hyuckie date

 **satan:** .....  
**satan:** yes

 **nanana:**  it was only a question hOP OFF MY DICK

 **unicorn:** i  
**unicorn:** this is too much

 **jEnOO:** and yet you're dating me ????

 **woowoo:** spill the teaaaa

 **moomin:** SPILL

 **123456789Ten:** THAT

 **jhansol:** TEAAAA

 **nanana:**  babe it was before we started dating

 **jEnOO:** you sure about that?

 **markuri:** jeno it's okay  
**markuri:** really  
**markuri:** it was 6 months before you started dating

 **jEnOO:** ... okay

 **nanana:** jeno please

 **jEnOO:** no no it's okay  
**jEnOO:** really, it is

_[jEnOO has left the chat]_

**nanana:**  well that's great  
**nanana:** _sigh_

_[nanana has left the chat]_

**123456789Ten:** ......

 **mom:** i have jaemin

 **#1 headass:** i'll have jeno

 **markuri:** i feel like shit lol this is fantastic

 **dad:** mark

 **markuri:** oh it's fine  
**markuri:** i just most likely ruined a relationship that's been rocky to begin with

 **bao zi:** mark it'll be alright

 **satan:** love it'll be okay. they'll be okay.

 **qkun:** is this the first time that hyuck is being empathetic

 **satan:** literally fuck off

 **jhansol:** there's so much drama today oh my god  
**jhansol:** i feel bad

 **markuri:** i think i'm gonna sleep for a while  
**markuri:** talk to you guys later

 **bacon:** holy shit  
**bacon:** was there anything wrong with the relationship to begin with ???

 **yukkuri:** jeno's extremely insecure

 **nini:** but he's a very handsome kid ?

 **yukkuri:** depite that he's always thinking that jaemin's going to leave him or break up with him suddenly  & he starts to become quiet and he usually clings onto mark

 **dad:** but now that mark's upset jeno's most likely to stay in bed and mark's probably going to keep it all bottled in

 ***screaming*:** holy fuck

 **dad:** yeah

**  
**_nanana to jEnOO- 1:01 pm_**

 **nanana:** [[image]](https://www.pinterest.com/fadefekai/nct-jeno/)  
**nanana:**  look at you  
**nanana:** why would i leave someone as pretty as you

 **jEnOO:**  idk  
**jEnOO:**  i'm scared you're going to leave

 **nanana:**  listen  
**nanana:** what happened with mark and hyuck was only a joke and it was before we got together  
**nanana:** i'm not going to leave you

 **jEnOO:**  promise?

 **nanana:** [[image]](http://fy-nct.com/post/158256408719)  
**nanana:**  i'm not going to leave this handsome face anytime soon

 **jEnOO:** hey jaemin ?

 **nanana:** yes ???

 **jEnOO:** stop being a smushy person and get over here and love me

 **nanana:** way to ruin the moment

 **jEnOO:** that's my job :')

* * *

  ** _1:59 pm_**

_[winwon has added jEnOO and nanana to the chat]_

**yukkuri:** everything good between you two now?

 **jEnOO:** oh yeah we're good

 **yukkuri:** that's  
**yukkuri:** that's not sarcasm is it

 **jEnOO:** i wouldn't have asked sicheng hyung to put us back in this shitty gc if we weren't okay

 **yukkuri:** .....  
**yukkuri:** watch you attitude bitch

 **jEnOO:** @ jhansol i stg

 **jhansol:** punch him for me please  
**jhansol:** he drank my bottle of chocolate milk earlier and lied to me about it

 **nanana:** holy shit okay

 **yukkuri:** i thought yall loved me what the fuck guys

 **chenchen:** yall get violent over trivial things like that

 **#1 headass:** you bet your fucking ass

 **sunnouncer:** dude your mouth has gotten even worse since you've trained with us  
**sunnouncer:** what the fuck happened

 **mom:** ten

 **dad:** ten

 **fetus:** ten

 **#1 headass:** my troll ass boyfriend

 **casper:** @ 123456789Ten

 **123456789Ten:** what the fuck guys

 **#1 headass:** babe they aren't lying though

 **qkun:** sNORT

 **woowoo:** please no

 **moomin:** SNORT

 **moomin:** SNORT SNORT

 **jEnOO:** SNORT SNORT SNORT SNORT

 **yeollie:** kun what the fuck did you start

 **jEnOO:** a crack cocaine addiction

_[fetus removed jEnOO from the chat]_

**fetus:** the next time one of you fuckers do this im keeping him out

 ***screaming*:** damn maknae on top much ??

 **bao zi:** that's how it is here too  
**bao zi:** fucking sehun's always on top

_[fetus has added jEnOO to the chat]_

**jEnOO:** who's he on top of most of the time

 **mom:** JENO NO

 **jEnOO:** I COULDN'T LET IT SLIP BY IM SORRY

 **lucYAS:** OKAY BUT  
**lucYAS:** DO ANY OF YOU READ SIRENS LAMENT  
**lucYAS:** BECAUSE THE RECENT UPDATE GOT ME SHOOK

 **sunnouncer:** what's that

 **mom:** yeah what is that

 **123456789Ten:** it isn't that hentai shit is it

 **winwon:** _blocked_

 **woowoo:** _blocked_

 **#2 headass:**   _blocked_

 **bacon:** _blocked_

 **unicorn:** _blocked_

 **dad:** _blocked_

 **woowoo:** _blocked_

 ***screaming*:** lmao bye

 **jhansol:** _blocked_

 **yukkuri:** _b l o c k e d_

 **satansoo:** _blocked_

 **nini:** fucking _blocked_

 **jEnOO:** _BLOCKED_

 **123456789Ten:** yall are disrespectful fUCK OFF

 **sunnouncer:** yall shut the fuck up in actually curious about what this is

 **mom:** me too

 **#1 headass:** count me in i actually want to know as well  
**#1 headass:** what's it about

 **lucYAS:** okay so  
**lucYAS:** it's about a siren who kisses a human so the siren can become human and the human can become a siren  
**lucYAS:** but the spell didn't break and now they're both half human half siren and shit happened and how some dude knows about sirens and im s h o o k

 **mom:** maybe ill read it

 **lucYAS:** it good

 **bao zi:** what the fuck guys

 **satan:** this is what i wake up to  
**satan:** not surprising coming from us

 **#2 headass:** you were sleeping this entire time ????

 **satan:** mark was crying so i was comforting him before we both fell asleep  
**satan:** i just think that was piling on top of him doing the duet with minseok hyung and all those stages at the concert plus being a leader

 **mom:** aw hyuckie

 **yukkuri:** bitch ???  
**yukkuri:** that's so fucking cute ???

 **yeollie:** can yall hear me crying bc of the cuteness

 **satansoo:** yes you crybaby ass

 **satan:** I JUST SNORTED  
**satan:** FUCK I WOKE MARK UP

 **mom:** my sweet child  
**mom:** are you okay

 **markuri:** i'm okay now that i slept  
**markuri:** i feel better now that i let it all out

 **mom:** that's good  
**mom:** don't ever hesitate to come to any one of us if you need to talk

 **#1 headass:** like i wrote to you in your letter, it's okay to not be overemotional but don't keep it all in, okay?

 **markuri:** got it  
**markuri:** ily dude

 **#1 headass:** ily too dude

 **nini:** why is chanyeol yelling

 **#2 headass:** kyungsoo's going after him again

 **#1 headass:** i'll help you out hold on

 **dad:** johnny  
**dad:** johnny do not  
**dad:** GET THE FUCK BACK IN THIS DORM

 **mom:** youngho  
**mom:** YOUNGHO WAIT FOR ME IM COMING WITH

 **jhansol:** ME TOO

 **yukkuri:** w h y

 **jhansol:** someone needs to get a video of it babe  
**jhansol:** who wants the video

 **yukkuri:** me

 **qkun:** me

 ***screaming*:** yes please

 **casper:** you bet your ass i do

 **123456789Ten:** yes please

 **bao zi:** i thought you would support your bf

 **123456789Ten:** watching 2 lanky ass males fight with a bunch of shorter men makes me laugh

 **winwon:** me please

 **woowoo:** yes bitch

 **lucYAS:** yessss

 **markuri:** is that even a question i need to answer ???

 **satan:** ^legit same

 **jEnOO** : meeee

 **nanana:** this is _too much_  
**nanana:** also yes i want the video too

* * *

**_ 11:30 pm _ **

**casper:** WHICH ONE OF YALL BITCHES SAID THEY'D GIVE ME THEIR IMVU NAMES SO I CAN ADD THEM?

 **#1 headass:** ....  
**#1 headass:** what the fuck

 **casper:** shit  
**casper:** oh fUCK WRONG CHAT

 **#1 headass:** you're no longer my bestfriend bye

 **casper:** NO WAIT  
**casper:** JOHNNY

 **#1 headass:** YOU'RE SUCH A DISGRACE MAN  
**#1 headass:** I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GET ON IMVU

 **casper:** I CAN ExPLAIn

 **#1 headass:** IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT

 ***screaming*:** BABE

 **casper:** IM SORRY

 ***screaming*:** WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

 **casper:** I SAID IM SORRY  
**casper:** LOVE ME

 ***screaming*:** TOO LATE

 **casper:**  DONGYOUNF

 ***screaming*:** NOPE

 **satansoo:** do you guys ever sleep or

 **markuri:** what is sleep

 **yukkuri:** sleep is for the wEAK

 **satansoo:** ....okay

 **casper:** do yall forgive me

 **#1 headass:** nope i am appalled  
**#1 headass:** _d i s g u s t e d_

 ***screaming*:** what is forgiveness

 **casper:** fUCK

 **markuri:** dude even i don't forgive you

 **casper:** FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for the linked images I'm still trying to insert an image :')
> 
> Also, for those reading my other story, Melancholy, it should be updated either later today or tomorrow before my phone runs out of service. :)
> 
> ~Kaylee


	7. so did some people get the succ

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> qkun: can yall stop sucking dick for two seconds and sleep
> 
> 123456789Ten: why is sleep an option when you can get the s u c c

**_2:12 am _ **

**nini:** what the fuck jae

 **casper:** it was the wrong chat fUCK OFF DUDE

 **fetus:** im actually crying that was great

 **yeollie:** okay which one of you fuckers is moaning really loud

 **sunnouncer:** i'm getting the  s u c c

 **casper:** oh my god  
**casper:** not again

 **123456789Ten:** oh hey me too  
**123456789Ten:** high five

 **fetus:** ohmygOD

 **casper:** ....  
**casper:** sorry you had to see that jisung

 **fetus:** i would say all of this is okay but it really isn't

 **qkun:** can yall stop sucking dick for two seconds and sleep

 **123456789Ten:** why is sleep an option when you can get the  s u c c

 **chenchen:** the gc is too much

 **yeollie:** we've already established that dae

 **chenchen:** ill fuck u up chanyeol

 **yeollie:** wanna bet

 **yukkuri:** okay friendly giant that's enough  
**yukkuri:** and you too jongdae

 **chenchen:** im not a friendly giant ???

 **unicorn:** dude the only giants in the gc are chanyeol, youngho, jaehyun  & hansol  
**unicorn:** they actually hit the 6 foot mark and over

 **chenchen:** wow fuck you too asshole

 **unicorn:** :)

 ***whale noises*:** WHO JUST POPPED A BALLOON

 **nanana:** _[video]_  
**nanana:** IT WAS ME IM SORRY

 **markuri:** rip balloon

 **woowoo:** balloons name was gdragon

 **dad:** what the fuck

 **markuri:** IM  
**markuri:** IM SCARED  
**markuri:** IM SCARED AF  
**markuri:** MY COMPUTER IS MAKING THESE WEIRD ASS NOISES IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE IS MUMBLING HELLO  
**markuri:** AND I HAVE NO SOUND SHIT OPEN  
**markuri:** AND WHAT THE FUCK COMPUTER  
**markuri:** AM I BEING HACKED  
**markuri:** I HATE THIS

 ***screaming*:** WHAT THE FCUCK

 **lucYAS:** I think your computer's probably possesd or some shit

 **woowoo:** possessed by daddy gdragon

 **casper:** ....  
**casper:** im going to ignore the fact that you said that woo

 **markuri:** I'M ACTuALLY  
**markuri:** IM SHAKING IN MY BOOTS  
**markuri:** IM NOT WEARING BOOTS

 **lucYAS:** turn it off then turn it back on wjat the fuck

 **mom:** .....  
**mom:** i just  
**mom:** go to sleep

 **markuri:** but

 **mom:** SLEEP

 **markuri:** YES MA'AM

* * *

**_  
5:23 am _ **

**yeollie:** so did some people get the succ

 **123456789Ten:** yeet

 **sunnouncer:** you bet your ass i did  
**sunnouncer:** and people got dicked

 **#1 headass:** i didn't get dicked tf

 **123456789Ten:** u gave me the succ

 **#1 headass:** that i did

 **moomin:** i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit

 **mom:** can you stop corrupting my kids please thanks

 **#1 headass:** can you hand over some lines

 **mom:** i

 **#1 headass:** THATS WHAT I THOUGHT  
**#1 headass:** BITCH

 **mom:** you know what  
**mom:** suck my fucking cock

 **markuri:** WOAH

 **casper:** WOaH

 **dad:** BABE PLEASE

 **bao zi:** how do you guys even live with each other and not die

 **dad:** TAEYONG  
**dad:** TAEYONG GET BACK IN THIS BED

 **yukkuri:** THEY'RE FIGHTING IN THE KITCHEN SOMEONE HELP

 ***screaming*:** hOW DID THEY GET TO THE KITCHEN THAT QUICK IM CONFUSED

 **jhansol:** wait  
**jhansol:** wAIT

 **casper:** THIS IS SOME FUNNY FUCKING SHIT  
**casper:** taeyong's trying to strangle him and johnny keeps saying, "can you even reach my neck with those small ass feet and those short ass legs"  
**casper:** I AM ON THE FLOOR

 **markuri:** WAIT FOR ME MAN IM COMING  
**markuri:** WHERE ARE YOU

 **capser:** SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV MY MAN

 **markuri:** OMW

 **satan:** ME TOO

 **fetus:** IM RUNNING TO UR DORM OMW

 **dad:** TAEYONG GET OFF OF HIM OHMYGOD

 **satan:** I AM ON THE FLOOR BYE

 **jEnOO:** WAIT FOR ME

 **winwon:** COMING

 **moomin:** I NEED TO SEE THIS IM RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN

 **qkun:** y'all live for the drama don't you

 **yukkuri:** do you really need to ask that

 **qkun:** good point  
**qkun:** omw

 **jhansol:** me too

 **woowoo:** coming

 **lucYAS:** same tbh i live for this shit

 **#2 headass:** how many people are actually in your dorm rn what the fuck

 **jEnOO:** 17 minus chenle  & jaemin  
**jEnOO:** this is fucking gREAT IM ACTUALLY CRYING

 **satan:** he's actually sobbing in my ear  
**satan:** i fucking wish i was kidding

 **jEnOO:** shut the fuck up u love me

 **satan:** who told you that

 **nini:** DAMN

 **bacon:** ohnygOD

 **jhansol:** update taeyong is done trying to strangle youngho  
**jhansol:** which lessened my enthusiasm for whoever was going to get their ass handed to them but still

 **woowoo:** the sad part is that we already made a bet that if taeyong and johnny got into a fight who would win

 **dad:** johnny

 **mom:** bABE

 **dad:** SORRY BUT UR A TWIG BABE

 **jhansol:** johnny

 **yukkuri:** taeyong  
**yukkuri:** despite his skinny ass he can pack a punch

 **#1 headass:** do you wanna feel me pack a punch

 **yukkuri:** noooo thank youuuu

 **qkun:** johnny

 ***screaming*:** youngho tbh

 **mom:** what the fuck guys

 **#2 headass** : okay but i have a feeling that everyone's going to agree on youngho tbh

 **#1 headass:** my dudeeee :')

 **#2 headass:** my dudeeee :')

 **123456789Ten:** y'all gonna start touching dicks anytime soon

 **unicorn:** if i had a dollar for everytime someone saying dick or dicked in this chat

 **sunnouncer:** we'd be fucking rich tbh

 **123456789Ten:** as if you aren't already

  
**sunnouncer:** @ dad @mom @#1 headass one of you collect him please

 **mom:** ten pls

 **dad:** ten

 **#1 headass:** please don't kill my bf i don't need this stress in my life

 **123456789Ten:** ily you soft fluffy ball

 **nanana:** i just vomited a little

 **markuri:** can you hear me gagging

 **mom:** @ jEnOO don't you fucking dare

 **jEnOO:** I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING IM SITTING HERE PEACEFULLY FUCK YOU

 **yeollie:** goDDAMN

 **nini:** okay but is everyone going to ignore the fact that there's always fights with all of us ???  
**nini:** speaking of which taeyong what did youngho do to you

 **mom:** his lil bitchass kept hitting me with a water bottle over and over  
**mom:** dick

 **unicorn:** oh look another dollar

 **#1 headass:** your bitchass sat on me what the fuck ????  
**#1 headass:** and you bit me too you fucking dick

 **unicorn:** another dollar :') $$$$

 **chenchen:** yixing please

 **unicorn:** fuck off troll im having fun

 **winwon:** damn

 **satan:** damn son

 **markuri:** holy shit im gone

 **dad:** who's making food i smell it

 **mom:** he isn't there to help me when my ass is getting beat by a 6'1" giant but his ass can smell food from a mile away  
**mom:** amazing

 ***screaming*:** this family is so dysfunctional what the fuck

 **fetus:** hi yes hello im making pancakes

 **mom:** get aWAY FROM THE STOVE

 **yukkuri:** Mom Mode Activated™

 **fetus:** im not a 5 year old i know how to cook

 **#1 headass:** holy shit these pancakes are good  
**#1 headass:** who taught you how to cook what the fuck

 **satan:** i can tell you now he didn't learn how to cook from mark that's for damn sure

 **markuri:** literally why am i dating you

 **satan:** bc you love me even though im a dick

 **chenchen:** yixing i stg

 **unicorn:** jongdae ill come over there and chop you in the throat

 **sunnouncer:** please don't

 **fetus:** sicheng hyung's helping me too :')

 **winwon:** :')  
**winwon:** making 17 pancakes is making me tired tbh

 **jEnOO:** i'll go over and drag chenle and jaemin over here

 **nanana:** i just walked in the door tf

 **jEnOO:** good walk back out and drag chenle tf out of bed

 **nanana:** damn  
**nanana:** okay

 **dad:** ah  
**dad:** young love

 **casper:** jaemin is whipped™

 **qkun:** in related, unsurprising news  
**qkun:** so are you

 **markuri:** he's got a point

 **satan:** johnny just picked up chenle and damn near squeezed him to death

 **#1 headass:** he's my smol, precious child i love him so much fuck off

 ***whale noises*:** !!!!! i love you too hyung

 **jhansol:** precious child  
**jhansol:** im now a part of the Chenle Protection Squad™

 **unicorn:** same here tbh

 **123456789Ten:** i think we're all a part of the Chenle Protection Squad™

 **lucYAS:** you got that right

 **fetus:** you gaylords coming to get pancakes or not

 **bacon:** way to ruin a good, loving moment jisung

 **fetus:** it's my specialty :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: The possesed computer thing is from my actual group chat and i figured it would be quality NCT material tbh :')


	8. what sane person would raise 18 kids

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids run away, Yuta and Dongyoung are screaming eternally, discussions about being a flaming homosexual, and Ten is being salty af, like always.
> 
> Oh, and Jaemin is Whipped™.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so glad all of you enjoy my story like ??? I didnt think this would get that many reads bc i didnt think this was so funny ??? I love y'all so much thank you for reading and I'm glad i could make y'all laugh :)
> 
> ~Kaylee

**_ 3:46 pm _ **

_[casper has changed jhansol's name to jifrog]_

**jifrog:** man what the fuck did i ever do to you

 **casper:** nothing you just needed a name to suit your frog ass

 **mom:** where did the rest of the mountain dew go  
**mom:** youngho

 **#1 headass:** who's youngho  
**#1 headass:** sorry ion know her

 **yukkuri:** goodbYE

 **jifrog:** is that why they kept you locked up for so long

 **#1 headass:** lmao says you  
**#1 headass:** you collecting dust down in the basement there froggie

 **bao zi:** oh good lord

 **jifrog:** want to come say that to my face you cuck

 **#1 headass:** brb if yall hear screaming its hansol and i beating the shit out of each other

 **#2 headass:** youngho pls

 **qkun:** damn you come to the rescue before his own boyfriend does

 **123456789Ten:** i was in the shower you ass  
**123456789Ten:** i think i liked it better when you couldn't speak nor understand korean

 **qkun:** me too  
**qkun:** i wouldn't have to hear your ass complain 24/7

 **nini:** damn

 **123456789Ten:** that's cool  
**123456789Ten:** you can find someone to comfort and talk to you when another subunit debuts and you aren't in it

 **nini:** _DAMN_

 **#1 headass:** babe please

 **123456789Ten:** lemme know when you're done touching dicks with sehun so i can get back to you

 **mom:** ....  
**mom:** ten what the fuck

 **#2 headass:** dude really

 **#1 headass:** sehun  
**#1 headass:** don't  
**#1 headass:** when he's in pain he becomes a tad bit of a bitch

 **123456789Ten:** wow thanks babe

 **#1 headass:** it's the truth don't u dare lie

 **dad:** well shit taeyong's like that too

 **nini:** @ satansoo is like that too

 **satansoo:** _bitch_  
**satansoo:** don't u out my weaknesses

 ***screaming*:** i read that as "don't u out me" and i was just  
***screaming*:** i was about to say "you're already out tho"

 **casper:** he mumbled it underneath his breath too jesus fuck  
**casper:** why am i dating an idiot

 **yeollie:** same here

 **bacon:** fuck you bitch you have a lot of room to talk

 **jifrog:** woah  
**jifrog:** w o a h

 **satan:** who the fuck pissed in y'alls wheaties today what the fuck

 **woowoo:** jesus christ  
**woowoo:** yall need to get some rest

 **yukkuri:** jungwoo my boy  
**yukkuri:** we don't know what rest is

 **fetus:** jesus fuck that's so true

 **bao zi:** @ markuri

 **markuri:** i am fine  
**markuri:** its ok i love what i do

 **lucYAS:** donghyuck get him to rest when yall get home okay

 **satan:** we're on our way  
**satan:** my pleasure

 **markuri:** donghyuck i dont need to rest

 **satan:** yes

 **mom:** yes

 **#1 headass:** sí

 **dad:** please

 **winwon:** :') ily please rest

 ***whale noises*:** hyung i love you so so much please sleep :)  <3  
***whale noises*:** ill come over and make you some coffee when you wake up

 **markuri:** :')  
**markuri:** what did i do to deserve all of you

 **#1 headass:** he's literally tearing up bc chenle told him he loves him  
**#1 headass:** jesus christ he's such a softie

 **chenchen:** #ProtectMarkLee2k17

 **#2 headass:** ok but everyone loves chenle and mark like

 **fetus:** you're serious  
**fetus:** he's actually tearing up

 **satan:** he's legit crying in my lap atm

 **casper:** _[image]_

 **bao zi:** AWH

 **bacon:** THAT'S SO CUTE WHAT

 **yukkuri:** young love :')

 **yeollie:** IM GOING TO PROTECT ALL OF YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING BYE

 **123456789Ten:** aWEE

 **mom:** *tears up*  
**mom:** i love all my children sm lemme protect you and love you for as long as possible

 **jEnOO:** you know what  
**jEnOO:** im not even going to fight about it  
**jEnOO:** ilyt  <3

 **moomin:** ilyt hyung :')

 **dad:** christ now taeyong's slowly starting to cry

 **mom:** LEAVE ME ALONE

 **markuri:** LEAVE US BE JESUS

 **qkun:** the fact that yall sent that at the exact same time is pretty scary tbh

 **satansoo:** this turned into a cringy love fest im gone

 **nanana:** me too

 **jEnOO:** hi ily come cuddle with me jaemin  <3

 **nanana:** hi hi ilyt im omw

 **sunnouncer:** fucking Whipped™

 **nanana:**  oh fuck _off_

* * *

**_ 6:25 pm _ **

**dad:** literally who the fuck is screaming at whatever the fuck they're screaming at

 **fetus:** nice way to word it

 **dad:** i  
**dad:** wow okay

 **casper:** it's yuta  & dongyoung screaming @ Degrassi

 **#1 headass:** oh my god

 **markuri:** hi this is donghyuck i convinced mark to sleep 3 hrs ago and i can't grab my phone bc he's laying on it  & i dont wanna wake him up

 **123456789Ten:** ???? that's so cute ????

 **nini:** a w

 **mom:** cries

 **dad:** oh for fucks sake stop yelling @ yukkuri @*screaming*

 **yukkuri:** its only 6:30 at night you old man bugger off

 **markuri:** hi im awake  
**markuri:** i smell coffee  
**markuri:** aaaaaaaaaaa

 ***whale noises*:** :))

 **markuri:** as soon as i get to the kitchen im smothering u with my eternal love and affection  
**markuri:** im not lying chenle ilysm

 **satansoo:** when the fuck did this become such a love fest

 **yeollie:** dont ruin the moment you fuck

 **jifrog:** you really want to die dont you

 **satansoo:** ill fuck u up giant

 **yeollie:** no tf you wont bitch n e x t

 **#1 headass:** okay im really happy that i didnt join exo bc my ass would be handed to me on a daily basis by kyungsoo i stg

 **#2 headass:** RIP Park Chanyeol 1992-2017

 **yeollie:** glad to know you care sehun :')

 **#2 headass:** :')

 **bao zi:** im surprised we're still at this label considering the fact that we talked about dick size on a tv program  
**bao zi:** jesus

 **jEnOO:** what are you fucking gay

 **casper:** i  
**casper:** the amount of gay jokes we tell each other on a daily basis is absolutely amazing considering all of us are pretty gay  
**casper:** like im 100% gay  
**casper:** fucking _flaming_

 **woowoo:** we get it jesus fuck my dude  
**woowoo:** im pretty sure the only ones that are into chicks too are johnny, mark, yukhei  & jisung

 **#1 headass:** ???? no ????  
**#1 headass:** im pretty fucking gay

 **markuri:** i cant believe we're discussing this but im pretty fucking gay too ???

 **satan:** for me ;)

 **markuri:** dont ruin the discussion babe

 **satan:** wow fuck you too  
**satan:** dick

 **unicorn:** im going to tally up how many times we say the word "dick" today and if we're between 10  & 20 one of u fuckers are going to owe me that much in cash

 **sunnouncer:** deal

 **nini:** im down

 **mom:** gotchu

 **lucYAS:** ANYWAYS  
**lucYAS:** i dont know if any of you have really noticed but im a fucking flamer

 **fetus:** well i mean im pretty gay tbh

 **unicorn:** so far it's $12  
**unicorn:** keep it coming bitches

 **mom:** taeil  
**mom:** taeil leave yuta and dongyoung alone pls

 **dad:** im gonna fuck em up

 **yukkuri:** what do you mean  
**yukkuri:** TAEIL GET THE FUCK OUT

 **mom:** TAEIL NO  
**mom:** DO NOT BEAT OUR CHILDREN

 **moomin:** im about to put myself up for adoption tbh

 **nanana:** wait wait _wait_  
**nanana:** take me with you

 **moomin:** alright leggo

 **markuri:** the fuck you are

 **moomin:** _alright_

 **markuri:** you aren't going unless i do now lets go

 **mom:** oh no the fuck you aren't  
**mom:** GET BACK INSIDE THE DORMS

 **chenchen:** jesus christ

 **bacon:** is taeyong about to have a heart attack  
**bacon:** bc if so rip my little buddy

 **#1 headass:** im gonna go pull taeil off of of yuta  & dongyoung brb  
**#1 headass:** i never thought id say that but here we are

 **123456789Ten:** well now that we're down three kids

 **mom:** if you leave ill fuck you up pretty boy

 **123456789Ten:** goddamn okay

 **#1 headass:** hyung  
**#1 headass:** tAEIL STOP FIGHTING ME YOU ASS  
**#1 headass:** TAEYONG WHEN DID HE BECOME SO STRONF

 **mom:** I DONT FUCKING KNOW

 **jEnOO:** _sigh_  
**jEnOO:** ill go find the dreamies

 **mom:** if you end up running off ill fuck u up too

 **jifrog:** ohmygod

 **qkun:** i just  
**qkun:** im ready to leave

 **mom:** dont you fucking try

 **nini** : goddamn taeyong's on the ball with raising 18 children

 **satansoo:** what sane person would raise 18 kids

 **mom:** taeil  
**mom:** FUCK YUTA KICKED HIM IM GONE

 **jEnOO:** mark  
**jEnOO:** MARK I SEE YOU STOP FUCKING RUNNING

 **markuri:** FUCK OFF JENO LET ME LIVE DAMN IT

 **satan:** ...  
**satan:** what the fuck kind of family is this

 **moomin:** jeno gET OFF OF ME

 **jEnOO:** ONE DOWN TWO TO GO

 **markuri:** GIMME RENJUN BACK EHAT THE FUCK

 ***screaming*:** TAEIL GET OFF OF ME

 **fetus:** i want to leave this family @ mom

 **mom:** dont you even dare my precious child

 **fetus:** fucking dAMN IT

 **jEnOO:** I HAVE JAEMIN IN CUSTODY  
**jEnOO:** MARK IS STILL RUNNING

 **bao zi:** RUN LITTLE BUDDY RUN

 **bacon:** *plays dreamcatcher's good night on repeat*

 **bao zi:** ill fuck you up do not even try

 **jifrog:** ....  
**jifrog:** this is a mess holy fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi if someone could tell me how to insert images I'll literally love you forever please thanks :')
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter :)


	9. health tip if u have a frownie eat a brownie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are 7 emos in the group chat, Jeno discusses drugs, everyone's private convos are revealed, plus wise words from Yuta and Renjun.
> 
> Oh, and Fall Out Boy song breakouts occur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the way yall feel about this im ??? Thank you so muchhhh
> 
> Also, Fall Out Boy is a band that I live for like yes please :')

** _12:22 am_ **

**satan:** hey lets play a game

 **nini:** oh god why

 **satan:** ??? i didnt finish explaining ???  
**satan:** lets go to our other recent chats, find the most recent one you or the other person sent and send it to the gc

 **dad:** oh well this should be fun

 **#1 headass:** okay so jaehyun sent this to me about an hour ago

 **casper:** DONT

 **#1 headass:**  
┏┓ suck  
┃┃╱╲ my  
┃╱╱╲╲  fucking  
╱╱╭╮╲╲  ass  
▔▏┗┛▕▔     bitch  
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲  
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲  
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

 **casper:** GODDAMN IT JOHNNY I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

 **unicorn:** i  
**unicorn:** what the fuck

 **dad:** okay yuta sent me this about 15 minutes ago  
**dad:** "health tip if u have a frownie eat a brownie"

 **markuri:** damn dude those are some words to live by

 **yukkuri:** you bet ur ass they are :')

 **yeollie:** sehun to me about 2 hrs ago  
**yeollie:** "maybe if i can make a fire i can burn myself alive"

 **mom:** that's some dark shit  
**mom:** you would expect that from hansol tbh

 **jifrog:** fuck off cotton candy looking ass

 **bao zi:** i kind of expected that from kyungsoo  
**bao zi:** damn sehun who hurt you

 **#2 headass:** me bitch i make bad decisions

 **123456789Ten:** SNORT

 **fetus:** please dont get jeno started

 **jEnOO:** WHERE IS THE COCAINE

 **qkun:** .....  
**qkun:** you know im very surprised that none of the managers picked up our phones on accident and saw these messgaes  
**qkun:** the next thing you know sooman would be asking jeno "do you need an intervention because of your crack cocaine addiction"

 **winwon:** BYE

 **markuri:** okay sO  
**markuri:** yukhei to me  
**markuri:** "the babadook is a thicc bih  
lemme see that babussy"

 **woowoo:** why the fuck are we dating

 **nini:** blocked

 **moomin:** i  
**moomin:** double blocked

 **jEnOO:** okay well now ur blocked

 **lucYAS:** WAIT I CAN EXPLAIN

 **jEnOO:** ANYWAYS  
**jEnOO:** donghyuck to me about 5 minutes ago

 **satan:** oh fUCK

 **jEnOO:** "im so pumped for autumn im gonna fill my ass with leaves."

 **markuri:** you're no longer my boyfriend leave this bed

 **chenchen:** isnt that from an anime ??

 **satan:** !!!!!!!!!! YES !!!!!!!!!!

 **markuri:** when the fuck did i start dating a nerd

 **satan:** when the fuck did i start dating the poster boy for canada

 **#1 headass:** ohmygOD

 **satan:** BITCH

 **nanana:** yall this was renjun to me three hours ago  
**nanana:** "I think sleeping together is romantic because you allow the other person to be near you and you trust that they won't kill you"

 **sunnouncer:** Wise Words from Huang Renjun 2k17

 **nini:** i mean  
**nini:** he does have a point

 **bacon:** speaking from experience huh

 **nini:** ill fuck you up bacon strip

 **#2 headass:** BYE

 **mom:** UEJAVQG IM DECEASED  
**mom:** dongyoung to me about 8 minutes ago  
**mom:** "*sees an airplane at night*  
THAT'S A UFO"

 **123456789Ten:** 21 and still believes in UFOS  
**123456789Ten:** amazing

 ***screaming*:** 21 and still believes he can grow a few inches if he sleeps for a long time  
***screaming*:** choke on that, bitch

 **123456789Ten:** ill mess you up bunny boy dont even try

 ***screaming*:** how are u going to do that when you dont even reach my shoulders

 **woowoo:** _**ENOUGH**_

 **bao zi:** why

 **mom:** yall wanna know what fucks me up rn

 **chenchen:** your children ???

 **mom:** those fuckers always do but not this time  
**mom:** its the fact that johnny listens to lana del rey and i just  
**mom:** why

 **#1 headass:** do i really have to defend myself tho  
**#1 headass:** her music is good af

 **casper:** i mean johnny isnt wrong

 **woowoo:** yeah he has a point i love her new album

 **#1 headass:** ??? bitch me too ???

 **lucYAS:** im listening to it right now and i love ???

 **satansoo:** yall are a bunch of emos

 **sunnouncer:** says you

 **123456789Ten:** okay but johnny's listening to fall out boy rn and i stg im dating a secret emo

 **#1 headass:** dont diss my music taste they're fucking great  
**#1 headass:** Sugar We're Goin Down is an anthem none of yall better disagree

 **woowoo:** _AM I MORE THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR YET?_

 **lucYAS:** _I'VE BEEN DYING TO TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO HEAR_

 **bao zi:** _CAUSE THAT'S JUST WHO I AM THIS WEEK_

 **#1 headass:** _LIE IN THE GRASS NEXT TO THE MAUSOLEUM_  
**#1 headass:** _I'M JUST A NOTCH IN YOUR BEDPOST_

 **markuri:** _BUT YOU'RE JUST A LINE IN A SONG_  
**markuri:** _(A NOTCH IN YOUR BEDPOST BUT YOU'RE JUST A LINE IN A SONG)_

 **satan:** i stg this group is a bunch of emos

 **jifrog:** _DROP A HEART, BREAK A NAME_  
**jifrog:** _WE'RE ALWAYS SLEEPING IN, SLEEPING FOR THE WRONG TEAM_

 **woowoo:** _WE'RE GOING DOWN DOWN IN AN EARLIER ROUND_  
**woowoo:** _AND SUGAR WE'RE GOING DOWN SWINGING_

 **lucYAS:** _I'LL BE YOUR NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET_  
**lucYAS:** _A LOADED GOD COMPLEX COCK IT AND PULL IT_

 **jifrog:** _WE'RE GOING DOWN DOWN IN AN EARLIER ROUND_  
**jifrog:** _AND SUGAR WE'RE GOING DOWN SWINGING_

 **yukkuri:** _I'LL BE YOUR NUMBER ONE WITH A BULLET_  
**yukkuri:** _A LOADED GOD COMPLEX COCK IT AND PULL IT_

 **yeollie:** are we really going to go through the whole song

 **#1 headass:** yes the fuck kind of question is that

 **yeollie:** tru it is a classic  
**yeollie:** i didnt realize we had 7 emos in this gc

 **markuri:** dont diss fall out boy man they're fantastic  
**markuri:** they've released some good ass shit

 **bao zi:** _IS THIS MORE THAN YOU BARGAINED FOR YET?_  
**bao zi:** _OH, DONT MIND ME, IM WATCHING YOU TWO FROM THE CLOSET_

 **woowoo:** _WISHING TO BE THE FRICTION IN YOUR JEANS_

 **markuri:** _ISNT IT MESSED UP HOW IM JUST DYING TO BE HIM?_

 **#1 headass:** _IM JUST A NOTCH IN YOUR BEDPOST BUT YOU'RE JUST A LINE IN A SONG_  
**#1 headass:** _(A NOTCH IN YOUR BEDPOST BUT YOU'RE JUST A LINE IN A SONG)_

 **yukkuri** : _DROP A HEART, BREAK A NAME_  
**yukkuri:** _WE'RE ALWAYS SLEEPING IN, SLEEPING FOR THE WRONG TEAM_

 **mom:** isnt it too early for this children

 **satan:** im sleeping night gaylords

 **jifrog:** ill fuck u up test me

 **dad:** no violence children this is a non-violent houehold please sleep

 **jEnOO:** who the fuck are you kidding  
**jEnOO:** we either run away from the dorms or beat each others asses there is no in between

 ***screaming*:** he does have a point you know

 **dad:** shut up roger rabbit

 **bacon:** jESUS

 **fetus:** LMAO BYE

 ***screaming*:** i didnt ask for this bullying excuse me

* * *

**_ 3:11 am _ **

**winwon:** what happened to the milk

 **casper:** you messaged the gc @ 3 in the morning to know what happened to the milk

 **winwon:** yes fucker now what happened to the milk

 **yukkuri:** [[image]](https://twitter.com/shockedmeme)

 **casper:** wow okay um  
**casper:** we ran out last night after taeyong made that mac  & cheese remember

 **winwon:** .....  
**winwon:** oh yeahhh  
**winwon:** sorry about that jae

 **casper:** no problemo mi amigo

 **yukkuri:** im still shook tbh i was not expecting that from sicheng

 **casper:** *remembers the time that sicheng was a kiss ass to an oblivious dongyoung*

 ***screaming*:** what a wonderful day  
***screaming*:** i didnt even notice how he was being a kiss ass until he stopped

 **winwon:** whoops

 **yukkuri:** sNORT

 ***screaming*:** is that your calling for jeno to come in bc if so  
***screaming*:** that's brilliant

 **jEnOO:** hi where are the drugs

 **casper:** how to get arrested 101 by lee jeno

 **jEnOO:** shut up assface i watch crime programs  
**jEnOO:** i know how to kill you and get rid of your body without leaving a trace

 **yukkuri:** ......  
**yukkuri:** goddamn

 **jEnOO:** eat them apples  
**jEnOO:** bitch

* * *

  ** _6:44 am_**

 **#1 headass:** why did you want milk ??

 **winwon:** i wanted to drink warm milk it helps me sleep better :)

 **jifrog:** such an innocent child  
**jifrog:** how did you get stuck with us assholes

 **winwon:** i ask myself that every day tbh  
**winwon:** but i met kun so its all okay

 **fetus:** *vomits*

 **woowoo:** can you let them live for two seconds jisung

 **fetus:** what is that exactly

 **mom:** hi who wants leftover tacos for breakfast

 **sunnouncer:** tacos for breakfast  
 **sunnouncer:** what has this world come to

 **#1 headass:** yes please my american ass would love some tacos

 **123456789Ten** : fatass

 **#1 headass:** twink

 **#2 headass:** pFFT

 **markuri:** omw to get some tacos

 **satan:** me too wait up

 ***screaming*:** is this what taeyong does when he's tired  & cant make food properly

 **mom:** shut your fuck the mouth

 **#1 headass:** i  
 **#1 headass:** sí señor  
 **#1 headass:** muy bueno

 **jifrog:** you're the only one that can speak spanish dont even

 **#1 headass:** ??? no im not ???  
 **#1 headass:** kyungsoo  & chanyeol sung in spanish before

 **satansoo:** *kyungsoo hyung you ignorant dick

 **unicorn:** oh look $13

 **#1 headass:** yes kyungsoo **_HYUNG_** sung in spanish before

 **satansoo:** there we go  
 **satansoo:** yes yes i did

 **mom:** hey hi hello i heated up the tacos

 **123456789Ten:** Tacosssss  
 **123456789Ten:** Tacos Tacos Tacosssss

 **#1 headass:** OMW TO GET SOME TACOSSS YEET

 **dad:** i  
 **dad:** why

 **casper:** i swear sometimes i hate this group and the people in it but i love yall too ????

 **yeollie** : we love you too m8

 **mom:** stop being fucking lovey dovey jae and get the fucking tacos

 **casper:** yes mother

 **nini:** what tje fuck guys 


	10. it's all fun and games until someone loses a penis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #2 headass: he was pretty confident in asking it so i mean
> 
> nini: never be confident
> 
> 123456789Ten: that's a lesson for you at home kids  
> 123456789Ten: never be confident
> 
> sunnouncer: eNOUGH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's been a while since I've updated both stories but that should end soon. I've been dealing with my depression and it's been really rough, so writing a few funny chapters should make up for all of this. Please enjoy :)
> 
> ~Kaylee

**_ 10:24 am _ **

**bao zi:** how were the tacos gaylords

 **winwon:** wow you have a lot of room to talk there buddy  
**winwon:** but they were greaT

 **casper:** johnny had 3 of them

 **#1 headass:** shut the fuck your mouth

 **123456789Ten:** fatass

 **#1 headass:** do you really want this to happen  
**#1 headass:** i will end you

 **123456789Ten:** you love me you wouldn't

 **woowoo:** he's got a point you know

 **yukkuri:** are um  
**yukkuri:** are mark  & taeyong okay  
**yukkuri:** they look like they're having a crisis  
**yukkuri:** they're also crying jesus christ

 **dad:** they're crying bc of Criminal Minds

 **markuri:** HOTCH'S WIFE DIED ON THE PHONE WITH HIM I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE CRYING

 **mom:** FUCK IM CRYING LIKE A BABY GOTTA BLAST  
**mom:** IM GLAD HE KILLED FOYET  
**mom:** HE'S CRADLING HER BODY AND SOBBING AND SO AM I

 **yeollie:** I LOVE THAT SHOW  
**yeollie:** L O V E

 **satansoo:** if chanyeol doesn't keep quiet imma cut off his dick

 **lucYAS:** ...

 **yeollie:** pls i want to keep my dick thanks

 ***screaming*:** it's all fun and games until someone loses a penis

 **fetus:** im

 **unicorn:** im sorry you had to see that babu

 **fetus:** its okay im used to it

 **satan:** okay but how painful would it be if that actually happened

 **qkun:** i can't believe you're actually asking us that

 **satan:** its a logical question ????  
**satan:** soo hyung brought it up sO

 **#2 headass:** he does have a point

 **dad:** i can't believe we're discussing this

 **bao zi:** sehun ??? stop ??? encouraging ??? donghyuck ???

 **#2 headass:** he was pretty confident in asking it so i mean

 **nini:** never be confident

 **123456789Ten:** that's a lesson for you at home kids  
**123456789Ten:** never be confident

 **sunnouncer:** **_eNOUGH_**

 **jEnOO:** hey jae what're you doing tomorrow

 **casper:** having my day ruined by whatever you're about to ask me to do

 **jifrog:** damn

 **jEnOO:** well i was going to ask if we could get coffee tomorrow but since you have a stick way up your ass

 **mom:** ohmygOD

 **jifrog:** _DAMN_

 **casper:** well in that case who's going to pay for it

 **jEnOO:** the fact that you're older than me should really answer that question

 **casper:** fINE

 **winwon:** someone's making coffee now who is it  
**winwon:** bc i want some pls

 **#1 headass:** well holy shit i must be your fairy godmother  
**#1 headass:** i'm making some rn so your asses better come down and get some if you want it

 **nanana:** who knew johnny was the dad of the group

 **chenchen:** #daddy

 **#1 headass:** nO  
**#1 headass:** NO NO NO NO NO NO

 **bacon:** u never should have explained it

 ***whale noises*:** on a live stream

 **mom:** HE'S ALIVE

 ***whale noises*:** sHUSH

 **moomin:** did u die

 ***whale noises*:** i will end u

 **#1 headass:** soooo  
**#1 headass:** y'all getting the coffee i'm making or not

 **dad:** y'all

 **mom:** y'all

 **woowoo:** y'all

 **fetus:** y'all

 **markuri:** y'all

 **#1 headass:** now it looks like none of y'all are getting coffee  
**#1 headass:** how's that sound

 **fetus:** WAIT I'M SORRY

 **#2 headass:** "how to get your groupmates to love you 101 by seo youngho"

 **#1 headass:** die

* * *

  _ **1:59 pm**_

 

_[nini has changed chenchen's name to chensing machine]_

**nanana:** why 

**nini:** the question is why didnt this happen sooner 

**nanana:**....  
**nanana:** good point 

**chensing machine:** literally die

**unicorn:** wow you sound like kyungsoo now

**nini:** everyone sounds like kyungsoo when they're tired af

**unicorn:** point proven

**casper:** SHADE TIME MOTHERFUCKERS

**markuri:** oh sHIT GOTTA GO 

_[markuri has left the chat]_

_[casper has added markuri to the chat]_

**casper:** you're not escaping this you bitch

**woowoo:** woah woah wOAH WHAT'S GOING ON CHILDREN

**casper:** yUTA

**yukkuri:** WHAT DID I DO WHAT THE FUCK

**casper:** OH YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID 

**mom:** jae we discussed this earlier  
**mom:** yuta didnt know those were your snacks

**casper:** THE FUCK HE DIDN'T

**yukkuri:** I APOLOGIZED FOR THIS EARLIER

**s** **unnouncer:** literally what the fuck is wrong with you guys

**jifrog:** i thought this was shade time  
**jifrog:** WHERE'S THE SHADE

**casper:** im glad you asked frog face  
**casper:** @dad  
**casper:** stop being a Lil Bitch™ and help me with cooking sometimes bc you're too afraid to burn the dorm down  
**casper:** wuss

**ye** **ollie:** ohmygOD

**casper:** @ mom  
**casper:** delete my game history on the wii one more time and ill delete you 

**mom:** i didnt raise you to be disrespectful to me like this what the fuck 

**casper:** @ jifrog  
**casper:** instead of insulting my dancing skills help me out next time you aSS

**jifrog:** im  
**jifrog:** what did i ever do to you

**cas** **per:** @#1 headass

**casper:** youre my bro and I love you but when are you going to stop being an embarrassment on TV 

**#1 headass:** wow love you too jae  
**#1** **headass:** the fuck

**#2 headass:** lMAO YIXING'S ACTUALLY CRYING FROM LAUGHTER GTG

**casper:** @ yukkuri  
**casper:** stop eating my snacks bitch

  
**yukkuri:** I SAID I WAS SORRY YHVJHCMVVXB  
**yukkuri:** GODDAMN

**casper:** @ qkun  
**casper:** could you be less of an asshole considering your in the basement

**qkun:** ill come over there and kick you again

**jifrog:** he's not even laughing about it i think he's pretty serious tbh

**casper:** aNYWAYS  
**casper:** @*screaming*  
**casper:** baby i love you and all

**fetus:** *gags*

**casper:** ??? i wasn't finished yet ???  
**casper:** but you gotta stop being a Lil Bitch™ on TV  
**casper:** and stop hogging the blankets you dick

***screaming*:** lmao love u too

**casper:** @ winwon  
**casper:** ur usually a sweetheart but stop being a kissass so much lmaoooo

**winwon:** Dully Noted©

**satansoo:** why do you guys copyright  & trademark everything tf

**dad:** its an NCT thing just let it be :')

**casper: @woowoo**  
**casper:** stop being a flirt in public with ur bf  
**casper:** and stop it with the loads of pda tf is wrong with y'all

**woowoo:** I'll stop doing that buT  
**woowoo:** *shifts eyes to johnny  & ten*  
**woowoo:** they gotta stop doing it so much too

**satan:** yeah its pretty gross

**123456789Ten:** ur pretty gross

**satan:** i didnt ask for this bullying excuse mE

**moomin:** hyuck you kinda walked into that one

**mom:** yeah you really did

**casper:** @ lucYAS  
**casper:** same thing as jungwoo over there tbh

**lucYAS:** im pretty sure i got the gist of it thanks m8

**casper:** @ markuri

**markuri:** oH F U C K

**casper:** ur a sweetheart but u gotta chill on being so competitive with the wii m8

**markuri:** that's the pot calling the kettle black but okay

**mom:** wow that was a long roasting session who wants to go out to eat

**casper:** but

**mom:** I SAID  
**mom:** WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TO EAT

**dad:** COMING  
**dad:** THEYRE GETTING DRESSED WE'RE ALL COMING OKAY

**casper:** YES MA'AM

**yukkuri:** its amazing how jaehyun went from savage to afraid in .2 seconds

**sunnouncer:** i taught taeyong well :')

**satansoo:** ur not that scary tbh

**nini:** he has a point

**sunnouncer:**....  
**sunnouncer** : shut up


	11. why must you give me all this stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> casper: .....  
> casper: why the fuck is the smoke alarm going off
> 
> markuri: i may have burnt something in the microwave
> 
> mom: okay that's it  
> mom: i'm stripping away your microwave privileges

**_ 6:18 pm_**

**yeollie:** its been 5 hours did y'all die or something

**jifrog:** i wish

**jEnOO:** damn  
**jEnOO:** who hurt you

 **dad:** i regret opening this chat again

 **jifrog:** shut up old man

 **dad:** wow i see how it is

 **fetus:** 94 line going at it again :')

 ***screaming*:** i stg if someone's getting dicked rn

 **fetus** **:**.......  
**fetus:** nice way to change the conversation i liked that

 ***screaming*:** :')  
***screaming*:** thank you my sweet child

 **fetus:** speaking of which

 **jifrog:** oh no

 **fetus:** who are my parents bc im sure as hell not dating one of my brothers

 **mom:** im ur mother ????  
**mom:** we discussed this ???

 **fetus:** aaaaaa  
**fetus:** where's my daddd

 **dad:** not me

 **fetus:** dad pls

 **dad:** im not the father

 **yukkuri** **:** the fuck

 **markuri:** why are we arguing about this  
**markuri:** how did we get to arguing about this

 **yeollie:** what the fuck is going on  
**yeollie:** i woke up from a nap just for this

 **qkun:** why tf are you taking a nap

 **yeollie:** you're never too old to take a nap

 **123456789Ten:** he does have a point

 ***screaming*:** ur such a child shush

 **123456789Ten:** you're only 26 days older than me ???  
**123456789Ten:** how is this fair ???

 **#1 headass:** well i mean you're the size of a small child so i mean

 **123456789Ten:** do you want ur life to end

 **#1 headass:** as a wise, short thai boy once said  
**#1 headass:** "you love me you wouldn't"

 **moomin:** LMAO DONGHYUCK'S CHOKING ON HIS COFFEE GOTTA BLAST

 **nanana:** OHMYGOD

 **satan:** SOMEONE COULD'VE HELPED WHAT THE FUCK

 **jEnOO:** OOPS

 **satan:** YOU JUST STOOD THERE AND LAUGHED YOU DICK

 **jEnOO:** OOPSY DAISY

 **bao zi:** what is wrong with you guys  
**bao zi:** someone could've helped him tbh

 **#2 headass:** meanwhile i would've recorded it for future humor

 **bao zi:** there are 2 types of people in this world

 **#1 headass:** is this why we're such good friends

 **#2 headass:** hell yeahhhhh

 **casper:**.....  
**casper:** why the fuck is the smoke alarm going off

 **markuri:** i may have burnt something in the microwave

 **mom:** okay that's it  
**mom:** i'm stripping away your microwave privileges

 **nini:** i  
**nini:** thats the first time i've ever heard that goddamn

 **#1 headass:** one time he stripped away yuta's stove privileges for a month  
**#1 headass:** he could only cook if taeyong or someone else responsible watched over him  
**#1 headass:** and by someone else i only mean taeyong bc he's pretty much the only responsible one in the dorm

 **dad:** excuse me

 **winwon:** he has a fair point tbh

 **yukkuri:** wow way to exposw me

 **woowoo:** exposw

 ***whale noises*:** exposw

 **yukkuri:** what did i do to be treated like this

 **mom:** a lot of things

* * *

_**11:57 pm** _

**bao zi:** hey kyungsoo where did you put the towels

 **satansoo:** why are you asking this in the group chat

 **qkun:** LMAOOOO

 **satansoo:** top shelf

 **bao zi:** how did you reach it

 **satansoo:** do you want to die

 **jifrog:** i do

 **#1 headass** **:** pls don't

 **bacon** **:** why tf are you taking a shower near midnight anyways

 **bao zi:** bc i was waiting for all of your dumb asses to finish showering

 **bacon:**.....  
**bacon:** point proven

 **mom:** I regret this, yet again

 **bao zi:** as do i taeyong  
**bao zi:** as do I

* * *

_**12:23 am** _

**casper:** why is there beeping in the kitchen  
**casper:** what's going on what happened

 **lucYAS:** i stg you guys are going to kill taeyong one of these days

 **casper:** well i have johnny on #1 speed dial just in case we need to drive taeyong to the hospital

 **#1 headass:** while the fact that im glad im on speed dial as the first person  
**#1 headass:** i urge strongly for you to remove me as i am not a good driver

 **yukkuri** **:** how tf did you get your license then

 **#1 headass:** there's no time to answer that   
**#1 headass:** what thing is going on that's going to make taeyong have a stroke

 **satan** **:** all i wanted to do was make Mac and Cheese

 **mom:** why must you give me all this stress

 **casper** **:** the real question is why the fuck are you making Mac and cheese at 12:30 in the morning

 **satan:** i was hungry ????  
**satan:** tf kind of question is that

 **markuri:** its all good down here nothing's on fire the batteries are just dying

 ***screaming*:** well in that case  
***screaming*:** mind making us all some Mac and cheese

 **winwon:** please tell me you didn't make the Velveeta  
**winwon:** that shit is disgusting

 **satan:** nope Kraft Mac and Cheese

 **#1 headass:** YES

 **casper:** OH YOU BET UR ASS IM GETTING SOME

 ***screaming*:** OMW

 **yukkuri:** FUCK YEAH GIMME SOME

 **jEnOO:** IM COMING OVER WAIT

 **moomin:** ME TOO

 **fetus:** COMING

 **nanana:** WAIT FOR MY CRIPPLED ASS

 **123456789Ten:** i can't believe y'all are making Mac and cheese this early  
**123456789Ten:** count me in

 **dad:** hyuck ilysm

 **jifrog:** we're walking over there now  
**jifrog:** kun's bringing another box just in case there isn't enough

 **markuri:** well in that case  
**markuri:** mind grabbing another box ??

 **woowoo:** already got one :')

 **markuri:** :')

 **chensing machine:** it amazes me how you can get so many people riled up by making Mac and cheese

 **bao zi:** god bless

 **sunnouncer:** well y'all were just flipping out bc im making ramen

 **nini:** he has a point you know

 **satansoo:** why

 **nanana:** THIS IS SO GOOD OHMYGOD

 ***whale noises*:** _[image]_  
***whale noises*:** guys meet my new boyfriend i love him sm

 **fetus:** im offended ?????

 ***whale noises*:** there's enough of my love for the both of you bab

 **#2 headass:** so pure im ????

 **yukkuri:** you know what else is pure  
**yukkuri:** this food god fucking bless

 **woowoo:** im going to marry this Mac and cheese i swear

 **bacon:** what the fuck

 **woowoo:** dont judge me fuckface

 **qkun:** WOAH

 **#1 headass:** CHRIST

 **winwon:** MY BF IS CHOKING SOMEONE HELP

 **jifrog:** kun can handle himself

 **jEnOO:** LMAO BYE

 **markuri:** im running away from this family someone come adopt me  
**markuri:** @ bao zi

 **bao zi:** im coming sweet child of mine

 **nini:** no tf he isn't  
**nini:** there's too many people here already no

 **mom:** you think you've got a lot of people  
**mom:** there's 19 of us crowded in the kitchen eating Mac and cheese

 **#1 headass:** i've never felt so claustrophobic in my entire life urbssfwgwbvs

 **nanana:** i stg johnny's about to have a heart attack

 **moomin:** taeyong's about to have one at this point

 **satan:** y'all know who has really gay thoughts

 **lucYAS:** yuta

 **dad:** yuta

 **winwon:** ten

 **nanana:** taeyong

 **yeollie:** taeyong

 **casper:** taeyong

 **mom:** why me what the fuck

 **123456789Ten:** and me why the fuck

 **yukkuri:**???? why  
**yukkuri:** what did we ever do to you

 **woowoo:** jeno & mark  
**woowoo:** ten  
**woowoo:** yuta

 **jEnOO:** i  
**jEnOO:** fuck i dont even have to argue he's right

 **jifrog:** i think they're just picking the major twinks here bc let's face it  
**jifrog:** we all have gay thoughts 

 **yukkuri:** am i really a twink tho

 **mom:** okay but am i actually a twink

 **123456789Ten:** ??? same here ???

 **satan:**.....

 **#2 headass:** .....

 **yeollie:** .....

 **yukkuri:** WOW

 **mom:** THANKS GUYS REALLY APPRECIATE IT

 **123456789Ten:** im not going to argue with that i really am a twink

 **markuri:** LMAO HE'S NOT DENYING IT BYE

 **moomin:** HSBWFAVWUABA

 **bao zi:** lmao sehun's a twink too

 **#2 headass:** bitch you have a lot of room to talk

 ***screaming*:** this is a disaster jesus

 **fetus:** wow really we've never noticed

 **dad:** JENO JUST SNORTED SO LOUD BYE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My 16th birthday is in 3 days *cries*


	12. i did not get dicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> qkun: hi hello sicheng is sleeping but i'll gladly pass that along
> 
> #1 headass: how did you sneak into our dorm what
> 
> qkun: i'm agile like a snake  
> qkun: hiss hiss bitch im in your dorm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to apologize now for the lack of future updates, please understand that school is occurring and I plan on passing this year. Now that doesn't mean I'll abandon this, there just won't be frequent updates like there is now. :)
> 
> ~Kaylee <3

_ **2:3 3 am**_

 

**chensing machine:** sup fags

**fetus:** he's alive holy shit

 **yukkuri:** holy fuck its a miracle

 **#1 headass:** god bless

 **chensing machine:** i stg this is why y'all get into fights

 **woowoo:** he does have a point y'know

 **yukkuri:** shut up jungwoo

 **woowoo:**????  
**woowoo:** wow fuck you too

 **satan:** this is why none of us should stay up past 12  
**satan:** this shit happens

 **markuri:** taeyong and i are watching criminal minds again and i just

 **fetus** **:** okay y'all got me hooked on it christ  
**fetus** **:** WHY DIDNT YOU SHOW ME THIS BEFORE

 **mom:** BC UR A CHILD THATS WHY

 **markuri:** OOO WHAT EPISODE ARE U ON

 **woowoo:**....

 **fetus:** REVELATIONS  
**fetus:** FUCK IM IN TEARS

 **jEnOO:** HE IS

 **#1 headass:** taeil and i are watching SVU :')

 **#2 headass:** well im glad we're watching shows where people die all the fucking time

 **satansoo:** says someone who watched 13 Reasons Why

 **unicorn:** says someone who should be on 13 Reasons Why

 **123456789Ten:** where the fuck did you come from  
**123456789Ten:** that's a rhetorical question please dont answer that

 **unicorn:** i wasn't planning on it but thanks for the heads up

 **qkun:** jesus christ  
**qkun:** the shade

 **lucYAS:** is being thrown

 **satan** **:** speaking of throwing  
**satan** **:** jaemin just threw the controller down on the floor bc i beat him @ mariokart

 **moomin:** fucking sore loser

 **nanana:** oh suck my dick

 **moomin:** im not jeno sorry

 **fetus:** ohnygOD

 **jEnOO:** what the fuck did i ever do to you

 **markuri:** hid his socks

 ***whale noises*:** purposely burnt his pancakes

 **nanana:** kicked him in the face

 **satan:** hid his moomin plushie

 **jEnOO:** wow love you guys too thanks

 **fetus:** <3

 **satan:** (〜^∇^)〜

 **moomin:** that's creepy what the fuck

 **satan** : (ノ^o^)ノ

 **moomin** : (ﾉ*ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ

 **nini:** why

 **jifrog:** don't question it  
**jifrog:** just  
**jifrog:** just let it happen

 **winwon:** we really shouldn't question anything in this gc anymore

 **woowoo:** im pretty sure we still do it regardless

 ***screaming*:** he has a point

 **yukkuri:** where the fuck did you come from

 **casper:** hell

 **fetus:** THE SHADE TODAY  
**fetus:** MY FUCKING GOD  
**fetus:** THERE ARE TEARS IN MY EYES

 ***screaming*:** i'll fuck you up friendly ghost

 **casper:** try me drama queen

 **mom:** LMAOOOOO

 **markuri** : shut the fuck ur mouth we're trying to watch criminal minds

 ***whale noises*:** jeno's watching queen of the south

 **#1 headass:** in breaking news

 **lucYAS** **:** this just in

 **moomin** **:** lee jeno is going to become a cocaine dealer  
**moomin:** he has finally found his calling

 **satan:** _wiggles eyebrows_

 **fetus:** why are you narrating what you're doing

 **moomin:** HE DID IT WHILE TYPING IM GONEEE

 **jEnOO:** all i want to do I'd enjoy my shows why do y'all have to ruin that for me

 **woowoo:** y'all

 **satan:** y'all

 **#2 headass:** y'all

 **nanana:**  y'all

 

_[jEnOO has removed woowoo from the chat]_

_[jEnOO has removed satan from the chat]_

_[jEnOO has removed #2 headass from the chat]_

_[jEnOO has removed nanana from the chat]_

**jEnOO:** anyone else want to be removed while im still doing it

 **bacon:** well someone's feeling testy™

 

_[jEnOO has removed bacon from the chat]_

**yeollie:** holy fuck he wasn't bluffing

 **yukkuri:** usually this happens with jeno

 **fetus:** and you

 **yukkuri:** shut ur trap kid

* * *

  _ **8:02 am**_

 **jEnOO:** well now that i'm feeling less testy rn

 

_[jEnOO has added woowoo, satan, #2 headass, nanana, and bacon to the chat]_

**jEnOO:** youre all welcome  
**jEnOO:** bunch of dicks

 **dad:** i'll have you know you're also a part of the bunch of dicks

 **jEnOO:** oh i know  
**jEnOO:** some of you act like dicks more than most of us

 **dad:** _cough cough_ @ jifrog @winwon @casper @*screaming*

 **casper:** well that's something i wanted to wake up to

 **jifrog:** assface

 **jEnOO:** see what i mean

 **markuri:** we see what you mean

 **qkun:** hi hello sicheng is sleeping but i'll gladly pass that along

 **#1 headass:** how did you sneak into our dorm what

 **qkun:** i'm agile like a snake  
**qkun:** hiss hiss bitch im in your dorm

 **casper:** I JUST SNORTED

 **markuri:** "hiss hiss bitch"

 **qkun:** did i stutter

 **#1 headass:** ,,,  
**#1 headass:** oh

 **mom:** good morning  
**mom:** who wants some pancakes  & waffles（＾ω＾）

 **123456789Ten:** that's  
**123456789Ten:** that's disturbing

 **#1 headass:** ten  
**#1 headass:** sweetheart  
**#1 headass:** that's basically you in emoji form

 **123456789Ten:** says you  
**123456789Ten:** with ur cat looking ass

 **fetus:** LMAOOOOOOO  
**fetus:** IM WHEEIZNG

 **#1 headass:** is this pick on johnny day or

 **mom:** do you guys want pancakes and waffles or not i got everything set up :')

 **woowoo:** did taeyong get dicked bc he's awfully happy this morning

 **mom:** i'll have you know  
**mom:** i did not get dicked  
**mom:** i'm just a naturally happy person

 **yukkuri:** now that's overselling it

 **mom:** shut uP

 **moomin:** oh henlo

 **satan:** what are you  
**satan:** 12

 **moomin:** shut up asshat let me _l i v e_

 **bao zi:** it's only 8 am why are you guys throwing shade this early

 **jifrog:** they're kids grandpa let them live

 

 

**sunnouncer:** LMAO BYE  

_[yeollie had changed bao zi's name to grandpa]_

**grandpa:** oh well in that case 

_[grandpa has changed sunnouncer's name to suHO]_

**grandpa:** shout out to your lil bitch ass for defending me

**nini:** is this a shade throwing contest  
**nini:** you know what  
**nini:** no one answer that

* * *

**_ 1:16 pm_**

 

**satan** **:** so guess who i locked in the bathroom 

**jifrog:** oh jesus _fucking_  christ

***whale noises*:** let me out of here you cock

**dad:** did  
**dad:** did he just

**casper:** i think he did

**markuri:** _holy_   _shit_

**winwon:** someone call 911 bc chenle just cURSED

**satan:** not until you apologize for hiding my shoes

**qkun:** youre so fucking petty ohmygOD

**markuri:** jaemin's actually cackling i caNT

***whale noises*:** i will start screeching 

**satan:** you wouldn't 

***whale noises*:** wanna bet

**chensing machine:** god why 

**markuri:** HE'S ACTUALLY SCREECHING  
**markuri:** MY EARS HRBSVWFJRCA

 ***whale noises*:** LET ME OUT OF HERE U DICK

 **satan:** IM COMING IM COMING SHUT YOUR PARAKEET ASS UP  
**satan:** GODDAMN

 ***whale noises*:** THANKS YOU ASS

 **satan:** no problemo mi amigo

 **#1 headass:** _screams_

 **dad:** why are you fucking screaming

 **#1 headass:** why are you fucking breathing

 **nini:** oh

 **grandpa:** oh

 **unicorn:** oh

 **123456789Ten:** _oh_

 **#1 headass:** i didn't mean that wAIT

 **dad:** nope you've done fucked up now buddy  
**dad:** you can forget about your choice for the movie night

 **#1 headass:** we aren't watching The Woman in Black taeil

 **dad:** awh why not

 **yukkuri:** bc jungwoo and ten are afraid of almost anything tf

 **123456789Ten:** fuck you

 **woowoo:** fuck you

 **qkun** **:** again  
**qkun** **:** that's pretty fucking creepy that you two sent that at the same time

 **123456789Ten:** oh shut up you adopted fuck

_[woowoo has changed qkun's name to adopted]_

**adopted:** i literally fucking hate you

 ***whale noises*:** techincally nine of us are adopted so i mean

 **123456789Ten:** shush it smol child

 

_[moomin has changed *whale noises*'s name to smol child]_

**smol child:** i didn't subject to this bullying excuse me 

**nanana:** once you're in nct you'll always be subjected to endless bullying 

**#2 headass:** same with exo tbh  
**#2 headass:** but you get used to it

**unicorn:** "but you get used to it"  
**unicorn:** you're the one that always starts the bullying you cockwad 

**nini:** _cockwad_

**jEnOO:** that's my new curse word guys  
**jEnOO:** jaemin stop kicking me you fucking cockwad

**fetus:** he just yelled that from the living room i am on the fLOOR 

**markuri:** jaemin- "call me a cockwad again and i'll end your life jackoff"  

**lucYAS:**  ohmygoDDD

**moomin:** i swear to fucking god jeno wants to die  
**moomin:** "oh you wouldn't try you cockwad" 

**markuri:** jesus god jaemin's attempting to smother him with a pillow brb

**suHO:** yixing what did you do

**unicorn:** i swear these kids are way too impressionable 

**satan** : you're damn right we are


	13. oh renjun honey yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> markuri: and now we cue the jeno
> 
> satan: “the jeno”
> 
> markuri: did i stutter
> 
> yukkuri: well damn  
> yukkuri: okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HELLO IM BACK PLEASE ENJOY :)

_ **1** **2:32 pm** _

**yeollie:** so did  
**yeollie:** did jeno survive or 

**markuri:** yes  
**markuri:** after jaemin damn near elbowed me in the throat i saved his life 

**casper:** and now we're trying to kill each other off  
**casper:** amazing 

**satan:** and we have almost every attempt caught on video 

**yukkuri:** im going to regret this but

**mom:** please don't do it

**yukkuri:** _deep breath_  
**yukkuri:** WOOOORLDDDDSTARRRRR

_[mom has removed yukkuri from the chat]_

**mom:** i told him not to do it and what did he do  
**mom:** he fucking did it

**jEnOO** **:** you really are the mom aren't you

**mom:** oh you bet your fucking ass i am 

**nanana:** hey jeno how's ur face 

**jEnOO:** okay listen here you piece of fucking shit 

**winwon:** well there's your answer then 

**nanana:** oh i see how it is

 **moomin:** what's stuck up your asses

 **woowoo:** oh renjun honey  
**woowoo:** no

 **moomin:** oh renjun honey yes

 **fetus:** so um  
**fetus:** just to let y'all know  
**fetus:** donghyuck's about ready to die

 **winwon:** you guys think he's kidding but he's really not

 **markuri:** i sure hope you're about ready to die

 **1234567899Ten:** _d a m n_

 **#1 headass:** someone call 911 because shots fireD

 **adopted:** do you  
**adopted:** do you ever stop to think about what comes out of your mouth or do you not have a filter

 **#1 headass:** oh shut up gaylord

 **grandpa:** enough children

 **nanana:** and now donghyuck's dead  
**nanana:** wtg guys

 **casper:** oh well

 **jEnOO:** PFFT

* * *

_**8:52 pm**_

**nanana:**  so like  
**nanana:**  why is chenle screaming

**fetus:**  when isn't chenle screaming

_[nanana has added yukkuri to the chat]_

**casper:**  ....  
**casper:** he has a point you know

**smol child** **:**  jisung   
**smol child** **:**  i thought you loved me

**fetus** : well i’ve gotta tell the truth sometimes right

**jEnOO:** lMAO GOODBYE

**markuri:** and now we cue the jeno

**satan:**  “the jeno”

**markuri:**  did i stutter

**yukkuri:**  well damn   
**yukkuri:**  okay

**jEnOO:** where the fuck did you come from  
**jEnOO:**  that's a rhetorical please don't answer that

**nanana:** okay but again  
**nanana:** why is chenle screaming  
**nanana:** i need to know why for god’s sake   
**nanana:** before i smother him with a pillow

**moomin:** we’re playing the wii

**nanana:** okay but why is he screaming

**satan:** ....  
**satan:** well you see here the most simple explanation is  
**satan:** _ **M A R I O K A R T**_

**nini:**  ohmygod

**dad:** oh jesus _fucking_ christ   
**dad:** i’m going to snatch the controllers from y'all

**adopted:** we should really stop saying y'all   
**adopted:** we get bullied way too much for that

**#1 headass:** you mean me

**jEnOO:** and me

**#1 headass:** yes  
**#1 headass:** plus the jeno

**jEnOO:** am i an object now or

**chensing machine:** is that a rhetorical or do you really want us to answer that

**lucYAS:**  OH

**jEnOO:** @ mom help me pls

**mom:** stop bullying my children please  
**mom:** come to me my child

***screaming*:** if chenle doesn't stop screaming there will be no more chenle

**yukkuri:** there he is

**mom:** @ *screaming* keep threatning my kids and there will not be anymore dongyoung

**winwon:** well someone is feeling hella testy™ this evening

**123456789Ten:** i sincerely hope you know  
**123456789Ten:** you were one of my favorites   
**123456789Ten:** and you have now been demoted

**winwon:** fuck  
**winwon:** who replaces me now

**123456789Ten:** @ woowoo

**woowoo:**  YEET

**123456789Ten:** ......  
**123456789Ten:** not anymore

**woowoo:**  fUCK

**bacon:** I JUST SNORTED BYE

**jifrog:** just a little PSA  
**jifrog:** bullying is never okay children

**#2 headass:**  hypocrite

**jifrog:** you know what  
**jifrog:** you can suck my dick

**#2 headass:** i would but im not like yuta so

**fetus:**   _damn_

**yukkuri:** at least im good at it   
**yukkuri:** now go suck on that

**fetus:**   _DAMN_

**casper:**  BROOOOOOO

**yeollie:** THIS GOT HELLA WILDT

**woowoo:**  BYE

**jifrog:** i wouldn't want you to suck my dick anyways  
**jifrog:** you aren't my type

**satan:** no we know your type is a short japanese man

**yukkuri:** i’ll end your life you little fucker

**#1 headass:** shoutout to jaemin for riling the gc up again

**nanana:** oh fuck oFF 


	14. okay listen here you twink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *screaming*: we usually forget about a lot of things  
> *screaming*: including each other tbh
> 
> dad: damn  
> dad: where the fuck have you been
> 
> *screaming*: sleeping  
> *screaming*: like a normal person at this hour
> 
> adopted: how the fuck

**_ 3:41 am _ **

**grandpa:** which one of you fuckers is blasting rihanna at this hour

 **jifrog:** what the fuck

 **nini:** one of you better confess before he beats us with a pillowcase

 **casper:** a pillowcase  
**casper:** really  
**casper:** that's what you're afraid of

 **yeollie:** fun fact  
**yeollie:** he fills it with shoes

 **#1 headass:** that  
**#1 headass:** that what we like to call discipline children

 **mom:** why is everyone awake at this hour holy fuck

 **nanana:** _wee woo wee woo_  
**nanana: mom alert**

 **mom:** i will kick your ass  & make you fly to your 20th birthday

 **markuri:** who pissed in your cheerios tf

 **mom:** taeil brought a glass of water to bed and dropped it  
**mom:** and i damn near cut my foot open

 **jEnOO:** well speaking of bleeding

 **woowoo:** oh no

**grandpa: _who is blasting rihanna at this motherfucking hour_**

_[#2 headass has left the chat]_

**bacon:** oh no the fuck you aren’t

_[bacon has added #2 headass to the chat]_

**chensing machine:** you're going to suffer with the rest of us

 **#2 headass:** i’m the youngest of the group haven't i suffered enough

 **fetus:** _thank you_

 **adopted:** why is jeno bleeding  
**adopted:** why are minseok  & taeyong being bitchy  
**adopted:** why is sehun blaring rihanna  
**adopted:** i need to know these things

 **123456789Ten:** you tell us  
**123456789Ten:** how did you end up on the front doorstep of SM

 **adopted:** okay listen here you twink

 **dad:** enough  
**dad:** christ

 **lucYAS:** stop it

 **yukkuri:** get some help

 **lucYAS:** YOOOOOOOO

 **yukkuri:** YOOOOOOOO

 **adopted:** why

 **satansoo:** what the fuck is wrong with you guys

 **#1 headass:** do you really want us to answer that for you  
**#1 headass:** do you

 **moomin** **:** we're just not sane

 **markuri:** yeah  
**markuri:** that's the reason

 **moomin:** you got a better reason ?  
**moomin:** nope  
**moomin:** didn't think so

 **markuri:** i actually didn't have another reason  
**markuri:** fuck you

 **casper:** who the fuck pissed y'all off today

 **grandpa:** it's almost 4am and _someone_ was blasting rihanna  
**grandpa:** so you tell me

 **123456789Ten:** damn  
**123456789Ten:** okay

 **nanana** **:** y'all are really hostile today shit

 **markuri:** _no_  
**markuri:** _you don't say_

 **#1 headass:** i'm going to make some popcorn and start a Criminal Minds marathon  
**#1 headass:** who wants to join me

 **markuri** **:** ME

 **mom:** IM COMIGN HOLD ON

 **fetus:** oh ho ho  
**fetus:** yOU BET YOUR ASS

 **jEnOO:** yEET

 **#1 headass:** oh you're so lucky i love youyou

 **markuri:** im always down for a Criminal Minds binge let's go

 **mom:** younghooooo  
**mom:** did you get the popcorn readyyyy

 **#1 headass:** yeee

 **fetus:** i am currently dragging along jaemin, jeno and a shit ton of candy  
**fetus:** let's do this shit

 **#2 headass:** i'm coming too

 **#1 headass:** how much popcorn do you think we actually have

 **#2 headass:** i'll bring another bang and some sodas

 **#1 headass:**......  
**#1 headass:** it's a done deal come on over buddy

 **chensing machine:** how to solve problems 101  
**chensing machine:** binge watch Criminal Minds

 **mom:** of course  
**mom:** it's a great fucking show my dude

 **yeollie:** well he isn't wrong 

 **mom:** i know i'm not wrong tf

 **smol child:** i'm coming too wait for meee 

 **#1 headass:** y'all are so lucky taeyong went shopping the other day my god 

 **unicorn:** are we all going to forget that jeno hinted he was bleeding earlier or 

 **yukkuri:** yes  
**yukkuri:** that's what happens in this dorm

 ***screaming*:** we usually forget about a lot of things  
***screaming*:** including each other tbh

 **dad:** damn  
**dad:** where the fuck have you been

 ***screaming*:** sleeping  
***screaming*:** like a normal person at this hour

 **adopted:** how the fuck

 **casper:** he could sleep through a hurricane tbh

 **satan:** he’s got a point

 **markuri:** you could too tbh

 **#1 headass:** hi hello i have netflix on the tv which season are we watching 

 **fetus:** season 5

 **markuri:** NO

 **mom:** NO

 **markuri:** FUCK NO 

 **#2 headass:** GOD NO 

 **#1 headass:** shit you're right  
**#1 headass:** that's an emo season

 **fetus:** i just started season 6 episode 1  
**fetus:** let's watch that

 **nini:** how the fuck did you get from season 2 to season 6 in nearly 2 months

 **fetus:** don't underestimate me  
**fetus:** okay i had a lot of free time tbh so

 **smol child:** well i mean  
**smol child:** jeno finished both seasons of Queen of the South in nearly 2 months

 **jEnOO:** well it's a good show okay you can't blame me 

 **bacon:** it is tbh 

 **#1 headass:** the Criminal Minds binge is about to start  
**#1 headass:** come here my good children

 **#2 headass:** we’re all gathered on your couch and floor let's do this

 **grandpa:** have fun nerds i’m going back to sleep

 **bacon:** night old man

 **unicorn:** and that children  
**unicorn:** is how you end up being murdered

 **jEnOO:** oh  
**jEnOO:** okay

* * *

_**10:21 am** _

**123456789Ten:** so  
**123456789Ten:** how's the criminal minds binge coming along

 **markuri:** we’ve been watching this for seven hours my man

 **casper:** holy fuck

 **#2 headass:** and you know what  
**#2 headass:** i don't regret coming over here at all

 **fetus:** honestly same

 **yeollie:** ooooo which episode 

 **#1 headass:** episode 11 mi amigo

 **jifrog:** you guys really don't have anything to do besides this do you

 **mom:** nope

 **jEnOO:** not even close

 **jifrog:** well that answers that 

 **woowoo:** god help your eyeballs  
**woowoo:** jesus christ

 **chensing machine:** honestly

 **#1 headass:** i already have glasses as it is  
**#1 headass:** so i mean

 **lucYAS:**  i’m coming over and watching tv

 **woowoo:** take me with you 

 **lucYAS:** you scare easily fuck no

 **woowoo:** oh okay i see how it is

 **yukkuri:** pFFT

 **#1 headass:** yukhei get your ass over here before i turn it off

 **mom:** you turn it off and i'll throat punch you 

 **markuri:** he's legit clenching his fist and they're glaring at each other come qUICK

 **lucYAS:** _nyoom_

 **moomin:** NYOOM FASTER

 **lucYAS:** _NYOOM NYOOM NYOOOM_

 **winwon:** ...  
**winwon:** god help us all

 **dad:** i hope you all know that this is why god doesn't speak to us anymore

 **suHO:** god hasn't been with us in a long time my friend

 **smol child:**  woop  
**smol child:** there he is 

 **suHO:** shush it

 **smol child:** well it seemed like you were dead so i mean

 **suHO:** i  
**suHO:** what did y'all do to chenle  
**suHO:** he was so pure and now he’s just all sass

 **smol child:**  okay well i would just like to thank  
**smol child:** @ yukkuri @satan @jEnOO @moomin @123456789Ten and @jifrog  
**smol child:** for giving me all of my sass tips to make me who i am today

 **satansoo:** oh dear _god_

 **123456789Ten:** oh you're welcome my dear child 

 **suHO:** ten

 **123456789Ten:** yes ?

 **suHO:** please shut up

 **123456789Ten:** wow okay thanks

 **yeollie:** usually he tells us to shut the fuck up and throws something at us when he’s annoyed  
**yeollie:** he added a please to that  
**yeollie:** you should be thankful

 **suHO:** you lead them and become their friend over the years  
**suHO:** and then they turn on you

 ***screaming*:** to quote sicheng yet again  
***screaming*:** god help us all

 **nanana:** there's no god in these dorms man  
**nanana:** none

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello yes i'm aware hansol left SM (we still love and support you bab follow your dreams pls), but for the sake of the story i'm keeping him in it :')


	15. no my eyes  hurt you cock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter ahead im sorry :')
> 
> ~Kaylee

**_ 1:25 pm _ **

**moomin:** jeno  
**moomin:** are you watching another crime show

 **nanana:** yes

 **moomin:** is your name jeno

 **lucYAS:** DAMN

 **nanana:** well i answered your question, didn't i

 **jEnOO:** i’m watching NCIS  
**jEnOO:** so yes, you're damn right i am 

 **yukkuri:** some of you really should've went into the criminal field  
**yukkuri:** holy fuck

 **markuri:** you right

 **woowoo:** true

 **yukkuri:** i know i’m right  
**yukkuri:** that’s why i said it

 **#2 headass:** jesus christ  
**#2 headass:** okay sassy

 **winwon:** lmaooooooooo

 **fetus:** PSA  
**fetus:** mark thinks one of the characters is and I quote, _"holy shit he's hella attractive"_

 **markuri:** shut.  
**markuri:** uP.

 **nini:** oh jesus  
**nini:** god why

 **unicorn:** haven't we already established that there’s no god in these dorms

 **jifrog:** LMAO WHICH CHARACTER

 **markuri:** DON’T YOU DARE  
**markuri:** DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE

 **fetus:** i 

 **markuri:** I’LL FUCK YOU UP LITTLE BOY

 **casper:** wowie  
**capser:** someone’s getting defensive

 **smol child:** that's because donghyuck will have his head on a stick

 **yukkuri:** where the fuck did you come from

 **smol child:** is that a rhetorical question

 **yukkuri:** yes please don't answer that

 **fetus:** i'm gonna do it

 **markuri:** your head is about to be on a stick

 **unicorn:** oh

 **jifrog:** oh

 **winwon:** oh

 **smol child:** oh

 **jEnOO:** oh

 **mom:** if one more person says oh i swear to god 

 **yukkuri:** where the fuck 

 **mom:** shush  
**mom:** why are y'all like this

 **satansoo:** if someone pokes fun at the word y'all one more time i will personally slit your throat

 **123456789Ten:** damn  
**123456789Ten:** well that escalated quickly

 **casper:** why do y'all keep popping out of nowhere i don't understand

 **grandpa:** i don't know kid  
**grandpa:** i don't know

 **jifrog:** holy shit  
**jifrog:** stop the presses  
**jifrog:** minseok's _alive_

 **#1 headass:** i cannot _believe_

 **yeollie:** ohmygOD

 **dad:** is this why we can't have nice things

 **adopted:** i'm pretty sure it is

 **nanana:** i'm pretty sure it's because jisung just screamed "anal" into donghyuck's ear to wake him up  
**nanana:** but what do i know

 **jEnOO:** OHNYGOD

 ***screaming*:** oh no

 **#1 headass:** GOOD FUCKING BYE

 **markuri:** oh jesus fuck  
**markuri:** how did he respond to that

 **fetus:** he kicked me in the dick  
**fetus:** that's how he responded  
**fetus:** any more questions ?

 **casper:** pFFT

 **satan:** you deserved it  
**satan:** fuckface

 **bacon:** holy shit

 **fetus:** i'll fuck you up shortstack

 **satan:** you're literally an inch shorter than me

 **fetus:** so

 **yeollie:** this entire dorm is literally cackling i cANT

 **satan:** i fucking hate all of you  
**satan:** what did i do to deserve this

 **adopted:** ,,,  
**adopted:** well i mean  
**adopted:** if you want to get technical here

 **winwon:** oh there's a lot of shit buddy

 **yeollie:** pFFT  
**yeollie:** BYE

* * *

 

** _6_** _**:02 pm** _

**123456789Ten:** so are we just going to ignore that mark's hella attractive character hasn't been said yet or

 **markuri:** yes  
**markuri:** yes the fuck we are

 **mom:** goddamn it  
**mom:** why did you have to get him started

 **123456789Ten:** i  
**123456789Ten:** jesus christ mother  
**123456789Ten:** okay

 **bacon:** well someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning huh

 **mom:** no my eyes hurt you cock

 **#2 headass:** oh

 **yukkuri:** oh

 **nanana:** oh

 **fetus:** ,,,  
**fetus:** oh

 **chensing machine:** what the fuck is wrong with you guys

 ***screaming*:** please stop asking we really don't know the answer

 **moomin** **:** okay bunny boy

 **mom:** i swear to _god_

 ***screaming*:** i'll fuck you up

 **moomin:** the fuck you will

 **mom:** _enough_

 **dad:** jesus taeyong  
**dad:** just come back to bed

 **satansoo:** _gag_

 **lucYAS:** _vomits_

 **woowoo:** _screams_

 **dad:** jesus fuck  
**dad:** why do i even bother 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know people are probably wondering why I haven't been updating Melancholy lately.
> 
> My mental heath has been weighing me down lately and I've been bouncing around with some ideas on how to write a chapter with such a large date gap. It's on hiatus for now, yes, but I've been writing other stories and taking my time on how to perfect the latest chapter. I apologize for any inconviences. 
> 
> ~Kaylee❤️


	16. please help us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> markuri: well he isn't wrong
> 
> fetus: i know i'm not wrong
> 
> 123456789Ten: the Sass™
> 
> fetus: i am what they like to call  
> fetus: The Sass Master™

  _ **10:32 pm**_

**smol child:** i'm  
**smol child:** there's a spider on my ceiling and i dont know where it went  
**smol child:** guys i'm having a crisis

**moomin:** well what do you want us to do

**smol child:** well you can come over here and help me you dick 

**lucYAS:** wowie  
**lucYAS:** the hostility™

**casper:** y'all  
**casper:** is someone cooking meat

 **mom:** im frying ham

 **casper:** oh god bLESS

 **chensing machine:** i've never seen him that excited over food before  
**chensing machine:** the fuck

 **yukkuri:** well apparently you don't know yoonoh very well

 ***screaming*:** he is a food machine

 **markuri:** no kidding  
**markuri:** he ate all of my leftovers the other week

 **casper:** fuck you guys i love food

 **#1 headass:** that makes 2 of us  
**#1 headass:** taeyong i'm coming down there and making various finger foods

 **mom:** hey go for it  
**mom:** hell i'll even help you

 **winwon:** is this what i think it is

 **yukkuri:** are we having a food binge

 **mom:** no we're preparing for the second coming of christ  
**mom:** of course we're having a food binge

 **markuri:** BROOOO

 **suHO:** "second coming of christ"  
**suHO:** i'm

 **jEnOO:** i thought only us dreamies did binge food nights

 **jifrog:** are you seriously having one too

 **fetus:** fuck yeah

 **woowoo:** taeyong  
**woowoo:** yukhei, hansol, kun  & i are coming over for food  
**woowoo:** no questions asked

 **123456789Ten:** aye same

 **mom:** alrighty

 **nini:** y'all  
**nini:** we should do this

 **unicorn:** already on it 

 **yeollie:** bro he just whipped out a box of corn dogs im  
**yeollie:** yixing ilysm

 **#2 headass:** wait what're you guys making  
**#2 headass:** @ mom

 **mom:** so far  
**mom:** ham, french fries, popcorn chicken,  mini pizza rolls, pretzels, potato chips  & cookies

 **#2 headass:** well goddamn

 **dad:** "so far"

 **satansoo:** we're all going to feel fat tomorrow

 **satan:** fuck

 **grandpa:** and we're all going to have to work it off

 **satan:** FUCK

 **moomin:** totally worth it

 **adopted:** ^^  
**adopted:** there's 2 types of people

* * *

  _ **12:12 am**_

 **nini:** god i regret eating all of that food

 **jEnOO:** i feel like my stomach is about to explode holy shit

 ***screaming*:** please no

 **yeollie:** did you really consume that much food or

 **fetus:** don't get it twisted dude  
**fetus:** he's a bottomless pit

 **markuri:** well he isn't wrong

 **fetus:** i know i'm not wrong

 **123456789Ten:** the Sass™

 **fetus:** i am what they like to call  
**fetus:** The Sass Master™

 **casper:** nah i really don't think so

 **yukkuri:** are we really debating this right now

 **jifrog:** please no

 **unicorn:** oh my god

 **dad:** alright children  
**dad:** settle down now

 **suHO:** i'm  
**suHO:** is everyone alright over there or

 **smol child:** does vomiting count as okay

 **woowoo:** no chenle i don't think it does

 **smol child:** well no everyone isn't okay over here at the dreamies

 **mom:** half of this dorm is too tbh

 **adopted:** god i hate myself rn

 **jifrog:** don't you hate yourself everyday tho

 **adopted:** no i thought that was you

 **satan:** ohmygod

 **jifrog:** wow fuck you too

 **adopted:** :')

 ***screaming*:** why

 **bacon:** don't question it man  
**bacon:** just ignore it  & let it happen

 **satan:** so chenle  
**satan:** where's the spider

 **smol child:** s h u t  u p  
**smol child:** if you speak of it it'll suddenly appear

 **nanana:** and you'll scream like a bitch won't you

 **smol child:** i'll beat you, don't get it twisted  
**smol child:** this nice kid can turn into a ass kicking machine in 0.5 seconds

 **#2 headass:** damn

 **nanana:** what if you're on the ground in those 0.5 seconds

 **#2 headass:** DAMN

 **smol child:** you want to test that theory out and see what happens

 **yukkuri:** ohmygod

 **nanana:** bet

 **dad:** guys no

 **woowoo:** if they start fighting who's going to break it up

 **lucYAS:** let's answer that when the time comes, yeah?

 **jEnOO:** .....  
**jEnOO:** i hate to break it to y'all but

 **grandpa:** oh good god

 **mom:** jeno can you break it up or

 **jEnOO:** do i look like a mediator to you

 **mom:** _jeno_

 **jEnOO:** okay okay i'll do it  
**jEnOO:** jesus fuck

 **suHO:** you'll regret doing that

 **mom:** yes  
**mom:** yes i will

 **satansoo:** what is wrong with all of you

 **casper:** no one answer that  
**casper:** if we don't maybe he'll drop it

 **jifrog:** .....  
**jifrog:** good point

 **satansoo:** jesus christ

 **bacon:** are we  
**bacon:** are we going to ignore that kids are fighting or what

 **123456789Ten:** they can handle themselves

 **markuri:** oh the fuck they can

 **fetus:** at this moment  
**fetus:** chenle's got jeno in a headlock & jaemin's trying to pull them apart

 ***screaming*:** what the fuck

 **fetus:** they're breaking stuff  
**fetus:** please help us

 **unicorn:** is anyone recording it

 **moomin:** yes

 **unicorn:** send it to me

 **grandpa:** really yixing  
**grandpa:** really

 **unicorn:** fuck yeah  
**unicorn:** if there's a fight going on my ass wants to see it

 **dad:** ofc

 **winwon:** you could be helping them what the fuck

 **moomin:** well its pretty amusing so  
**moomin:** come over here  & break it up yourself

 **#1 headass:** oh

 **winwon:** you know what  
**winwon:** i will

 **moomin:** bet

 **adopted:** god why


	17. depression squad™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *screaming*: deep sigh
> 
> casper: you narrate what you're doing one more time and i'll punch u in the throat

**_ 2:11 am _ **

**fetus:** hey guys

 **satan:** oh my fucking god  
**satan:** yes jisung

 **fetus:** wow  
**fetus:** fuck you too

 **bacon:** oh good god  
**bacon:** here we go

 **fetus:** i was going to ask if we had any chocolate milk  
**fetus:** but you can go suck a dick @ satan

 **satan:** want to bet

 **yeollie:** oh god

 **lucYAS:** what the fuck

 **casper:** can we not talk about sucking cock at this hour pls

 **yukkuri:** i'll talk about what i want to talk about  
**yukkuri:** you can't stop me

 **adopted:** taeyong help us please

 **yukkuri:** sex, alcohol, sucking dick  
**yukkuri:** you can't stop us

 **adopted:** taeil, minseok  
**adopted:** anyone  
**adopted:** please

 **fetus:** aLL I WANTED TO KNOW IS IF WE HAD ANY CHOCOLATE MILK  
**fetus:** NOT SUCKING DICK

 **casper:** WHY TF ARE U SHOUTING

 **yeollie:** YOU STARTED IT TF

 **fetus:** OH GO SUCK A COCK

 **yeollie:** MAYBE I WILL  
**yeollie:** WE'LL SEE

 **mom:** why

 **grandpa:** please don't start sucking cock  
**grandpa:** not now at least

 **dad:** oh jesus christ

 **jEnOO:** he cannot help us at this time guys pls

 **winwon:** but if you leave your name, number, address and a brief message he'll get back to you as soon as possible

 **nini:** i

_[unicorn has removed winwon from the chat]_

**unicorn:** i did you guys a favor  
**unicorn:** all of your ungrateful asses should be thanking me

 **fetus:** thanks yixing  
**fetus:** now guys  
**fetus:** where the fuck is the godforsaken chocolate milk

 **markuri:** top shelf of the fridge, front row in the right corner

 **fetus:** god bless u dude

 **123456789Ten:** where tf have you been

 **markuri:** sleeping motherfucker  
**markuri:** wbu

 **123456789Ten:** eating motherfucker

 **jifrog:** ofc

 **unicorn:** christ  
**unicorn:** what is wrong with you dicks

 ***screaming*:** everything

 **#2 headass:** why do we keep mentioning dicks

 **woowoo:** don't ask

* * *

**_ 3:41 am _ **

**bacon:** hey  
**bacon:** did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

 **chensing machine:** please no

 **bacon:** he’s all right now

 **#1 headass:** i hate you

 ***screaming*:** oh for fuck’s sake man  
***screaming*:** it’s almost 4 am

 **satansoo:** hi hello im trying to fucking sleep

 **jifrog:** oh there you are  
**jifrog:** welcome back to reality man

 **markuri:** i hope u know  
**markuri:** i never went back to bed bc of you dicks

 **woowoo:** oh well  
**woowoo:** sleep is for the wEAK

 **adopted:** well you must be pretty fucking weak then

 **nanana:** GODDAMN

 **yeollie:** SHIT  
**yeollie:** SHOTS FIRED

 **woowoo:** i h8 all of u

 **fetus:** the feeling’s mutual

 **#2 headass:** why can’t we be nice for 2 seconds

 **yukkuri:** being nice?  
**yukkuri:** who’s that?  
**yukkuri:** never heard of her

 **casper:** i  
**casper:** blocked

 **yukkuri:** wAIT

 **casper:** BLOCKED

 **fetus:** speaking of blocked  
**fetus:** are we adding sicheng back or

 **unicorn:** no  
**unicorn:** let him suffer a little longer

 **nini:** damn  
**nini:** okay

 **123456789Ten:** johnny's threatning to blare the bohemian rhapsody if no one shuts up  
**123456789Ten:** just a little heads up

 **#2 headass:** let his bitch ass do it  
**#2 headass:** we won't hear it

 **#1 headass:** wanna bet

 **grandpa:** please no

 **#2 headass:** b e t

 ***screaming*:** mom help 

_[mom has left the chat]_

**dad:** oh ho ho i think the fuck not

**adopted:** youngho  
**adopted:** what have you started

**#1 headass:** the bohemian rhapsody  
**#1 headass:** in case anyone thought i was joking

**casper:** i don't  
**casper:** i don't think any of this was supposed to happen

**chensing machine:** me neither  
**chensing machine:** god my phone keeps blowing up

**yeollie:** well mute the chat you clusterfuck

**jEnOO:** OOP

**woowoo:** AAAAAA

**fetus:** LMAO GOOD FUCKING BYE

**nanana:** JESUS

 **chensing machine:** alright calm yourself dickbag

 **suHO:** i swear

 **#1 headass:** _I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTO OF A MAN_

 **markuri:** _SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO_

 **jifrog:** that's it  
**jifrog:** im pushing you both off of the roof

 **123456789Ten:** can i join too    

**jifrog:** hey  
**jifrog:** the more the merrier 

**lucYAS:** _THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING_  
**lucYAS:** _VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME_

_[dad has added mom to the chat]_

**mom:** ENOUGH

**#1 headass:** but

**mom:** AH AH AH  
**mom:** I SAID ENOUGH

**woowoo:** i hope y’all know  
**woowoo:** y’all are dead to me now

**#2 headass:** well the joke’s on you man  
**#2 headass:** i’ve been dead on the inside for years

**jEnOO:** FUCKING BYE

**grandpa:** i hate you guys 

**jEnOO:** nobody can hate me more than me

**jifrog:** ^^honestly same

**unicorn:** christ  
**unicorn:** who hurt you two

**jEnOO:** shall we say it together hansol

**jifrog:** oh yes jeno  
**jifrog:** we shall

**jEnOO:** D

**jifrog:** E

**jEnOO:** P

**jifrog:** R

**jEnOO:** E

**jifrog:** S

**jEnOO:** S

**jifrog:** I

**jEnOO:** O

**jifrog:** N

**satansoo:** i'm impressed  
**satansoo:** you managed to do that without being interrupted  
**satansoo:** kudos to you two

**jifrog:** oh  
**jifrog:** i thought you were impressed by the way we mask our lingering depression

**dad:** STOP

**123456789Ten:** oh

**nini:** depression squad™

**jifrog:** YEET

**adopted:** god help us

**grandpa:** not in these dorms he isn't

***screaming*:** _deep sigh_

**casper:** you narrate what you're doing one more time and i'll punch u in the throat

**nini:** ah young love  
**nini:** remember when we were like that soo

**chensing machine:** ur still like that that

**nini:** my point exactly

**suHO:** oh my god

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yes hello my sweets it is i, and i am not dead.
> 
> i hope you've all had a nice holiday and new years :) 
> 
> now you can expect more updates <3


	18. i'm a dead meme

**_ 8:02 am _ **

**markuri:** who allowed chenle to cook

 **yukkuri:** you tf

 **markuri:** ....  
**markuri:** ur right

 **yukkuri:** i know im right tf

 **#1 headass:** what did my son do

 **123456789Ten:** i honestly forgot he was our child

 **smol child:** wow okay thanks

 **satan:** jesus christ

 **markuri:** okay  
**markuri:** whO DESTROYED THE GODDAMN KITCHEN

 **smol child:** WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT WAS ME

 **markuri:** YOU WERE THE LAST ONE IN THERE

 **smol child:** B U L L S H I T 

 **markuri:** I SAW YOU WALK IN THERE  
**markuri:** I SAW YOUR TYE DIE FLUFFY PAJAMA PANTS

 **smol child:** LMAO YOU THOUGHT WRONG  
**smol child:** JISUNG WEARS MY PAJAMAS ALL THE TIME  
**smol child:** AND HE WAS WEARING THEM TODAY

 **jEnOO:** he was tho

 **smol child:** HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES  
**smol child:** YEE

 **markuri:** @fetus

 **fetus:** IM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO

 **markuri:** OH YEAH  
**markuri:** I CAN TOTALLY SEE THAT

 ***screaming*:** my god mark’s turning into taeyong gotta blast

 **markuri:** THERE ARE DISHES AND POWDER EVERYWHERE  
**markuri:** WHAT DID YOU DO

 **fetus:** I TRIED MAKING FOOD GODDAMN

 **markuri:** THERE’S FUCKING PANCAKE BATTER ON THE CEILING HOW THE FUCK MAN

 **fetus:** LIKE I SAID  
**fetus:** I TRIED TO COOK

 **markuri:** AND ITS ON THE FLOOR

 **nanana:** if i bust my back again walking into this kitchen to get juice jisung imma bust your ass into next week

 **smol child:** pls no

 **jEnOO:** i would love to see that tbh

 **markuri:** _[image]_  
**markuri:** do y'all see this shit

 

**bacon:** LORD

**lucYAS:** holy fuck  
**lucYAS:** time to destroy the entire kitchen

**mom:** my child  
**mom:** how

**fetus:** don't ask i suck ass at cooking okay

**satan:** well obviously 

**#1 headass:** taeyong's having a mini anxiety attack just look at the photo holy shit

_[woowoo has added winwon to the chat]_

**winwon:** so this is what i've missed huh  
**winwon:** WHAT THE FUCK BLEW UP IN THE KITCHEN HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK

**adopted:** i hope someone's cleaning up that kitchen rn

**mom:** i'm coming over and helping

**moomin:** why tf

**mom:** bc y'all don't know how to properly clean a fucking room that's why

**moomin:**....  
**moomin:** good point  

**casper:** ITS FEBREEZE TIME™  
**casper:** IM CACKLING

**yukkuri:** stop cackling in my ear you cock

**unicorn:** christ  
**unicorn:** and i thought our group was fucked up

**yeollie:** oh it still is  
**yeollie:** we don't doubt that

**suHO:** shut your bubblegum dumb dumb lookin ass up

**nini** **:** OH MY GOD

**yukkuri:** that's a dead meme nEXT

**#2 headass:** i'm a dead meme

_[yukkuri has removed #2 headass from the chat]_

**yukkuri:** you all are welcome

* * *

  _ **10:28 am**_

**yukkuri:** YOU ALL LEFT ME ON READ  
**yukkuri:** FAKE ASS BITCHES

**lucYAS:** i'll tell you what  
**lucYAS:** i might be a bitch  
**lucYAS:** but i do have an ass

**nanana:** @ woowoo you say anything stupid i swear to god

**woowoo:** man i'm just trying to listen to big bang what the fuck kind of call out

**lucYAS:** it's okay babe ily

**#1 headass:** fucking g a y

**woowoo:** same to you flamo 

**#1 headass:** i'll take that as a compliment thanks

**markuri:** this entire fucking chat is gay holy shit 

**casper:** oh have you noticed that all of a sudden 

_[fetus has changed markuri's name to markiepoo]_

**markiepoo:** I FUCKING HATE YOU 

**yukkuri:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

_[markiepoo has changed fetus's name to jisung pWARK]_

**jisung pWARK:** im going to fucking strangle myself 

**woowoo:** what the fuck guys

_[bacon has changed suHO's name to father]_

**father:** oh okay

**dad:** it's too early for this shit

**father:** oh hello fellow dad

**dad:** oh henlo

**adopted:** henlo

**satan:** henlo

**jifrog:** henlo

**#1 headass:** henlo

**123456789Ten:** this just in  
**123456789Ten:** taeil has been canceled™

**jisung pWARK:** god i want out of this group

**mom:** we've discussed this  
**mom:** no

**jEnOO:** i swear taeyong's either going to kill all of us or himself someday

**nini:** honestly

**nanana:** will taeyong kill the group or himself?  
**nanana:** stay tuned in next week to find out on the next episode of NCT- Murder House

**moomin:** FUCK

**markiepoo:** GET  A W A Y  
**markiepoo:** G O  
**markiepoo:** L E A V E

**satan:** this is house is about to be lit  
**satan:** literally

**chensing machine:** oh

**yukkuri:** I CANR BESTHSE  
**yukkuri:** OWKNQGUWOLQNSHMUOWU

**123456789Ten:** that's what happens when the house is lit

**smol child:** MY GOD

**casper:** IM ACTUALLY ON THE FLOOR CRYING SYOP

**mom:** GUYS MY GOD

**unicorn:** we've been living in a murder house  
**unicorn:** @ satansoo

**satansoo:** you're about to die

**unicorn:** good i want to

***screaming*:** HELP US HAHAHHAHHAhH

**markiepoo:** I WANT OUT OF HERE  
**markiepoo:** I WANT TO LEAVE  
**markiepoo:** LET ME LEAVE DAMN IT

**moomin:** RUN MAN  
**moomin:** TAKE ME WITH YOU

**mom:** NO NO NO  N O O O

**markiepoo:** FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am alive and well hENLO :))))))


	19. new phone who dis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mom: GO HELP YOUR BF THE FUCK
> 
> jisung pWARK: THE FUCKER BIT ME  
> jisung pWARK: HE CAN FEND FOR HIS GODDAMN SELF THIS TIME
> 
> markiepoo: @satan HELP THEM
> 
> satan: new phone who dis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!
> 
> ~Kaylee <3 <3

_**12:12 pm** _

**markiepoo:** ah fuck i want to die

 **mom:** hey  
**mom:** language

 **markiepoo:** hecky heck i crave death

 **dad:** i  
**dad:** no

 **nanana:** and chenle begins to commence the screaming

 **nini:** what the fuck goes on in that household

 **#1 headass:** don't question it we're all fucked up

 **jifrog:** no, you're all headasses  
**jifrog:** there's a difference

 **adopted:** fuck off frogie  
**adopted:** go jump on the next lillypad

 **markiepoo:** this  
**markiepoo:** this is why i crave death

 ***screaming*:** oh my god

 **chensing machine:** who ate all the fucking pie

 **grandpa:** jesus fuck  
**grandpa:** here we go

 **#2 headass:** me you little fuckass

 **yukkuri:** OH

 **jisung pWARK:** oh fuck yeS  
**jisung pWARK:** a new insult to use

 **casper:** god i hate all of you

 **markiepoo:** not as much as i hate myself

 **jEnOO:** MARK NO

 **markiepoo:** MARK YES

 **jisung pWARK:** okay we need to settle this you little fuckasses

 **nanana:** @ #2 headass you're a terrible influence

 **#2 headass:** thank you i know

 **chensing machine:** i pray for your death

 **#2 headass:** me too

 **moomin:** who hurt all of you what the fuck

 **bacon:** us bitch we all make bad decisions

 **mom:** YES  
**mom:** THANK YOU  
**mom:** I KNOW IM NOT BAD AT PARENTING  
**mom:** THEY ALL FUCK THEMSELVES OVER

 **123456789Ten:** nope you're pretty shitty

 **yeollie:** OOF  
**yeollie:** GOTTA BLAST

 **dad:** he's literally chasing ten around the dorm  
**dad:** why do i put up with this

 **winwon:** bc you're fucking whipped

 **woowoo:** he's not wrong

 **dad:** shut up you living UWU

 **smol child:** LMAOOOOOOOO

 **#1 headass:** ten just took his slipper off  & started beating him with it  
**#1 headass:** taeil what do we do

 **dad:** let it play out my dude  
**dad:** one of them'll start crying for forgiveness soon

 **markiepoo:** the fact that you know it's going to happen  
**markiepoo:** that's amazing

 **dad:** i know  
**dad:** i've been dealing with all of your bitchasses for how long

 **jEnOO:** i don't do shit to you what the fucK

 **mom:** hi we're okay now

 **dad:** told you guys

 **markiepoo:** oh yes we have known this oh old wise one

 **dad:** okay u know what

 **moomin:** guys chenle  & jaemin are having a roasting fest

 **markiepoo:** and ?

 **moomin:** jaemin told chenle to go back to weenie hut jr.'s  & chenle kicked him in the side of the neck

 **yukkuri:** OOF

 **lucYAS:** LMAO GTG

 **nanana:** THAT HURT YOU COCK

 **smol child:** STOP FUCKING WITH ME THEN U ASSHAT

 **satan:** HE JUST SLAPPED CHENLE I AM ON THE FUCKING F L O O R

 **jEnOO:** he actually is  
**jEnOO:** someone help us pls

 

 

_[mom has left the group chat]_

**unicorn:** oh my god

**jEnOO:** DAD HELP US

_[dad has added mom to the chat]_

**dad:** UM NO BITCH TRY AGAIN

**mom:** FUCK  
**mom:** I DIDNT WANT THIS

**jisung pWARK:** NEITHER DID WE WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN

**mom:** GO HELP YOUR BF THE FUCK

**jisung pWARK:** THE FUCKER BIT ME  
**jisung pWARK:** HE CAN FEND FOR HIS GODDAMN SELF THIS TIME

**markiepoo:** @satan HELP THEM

**satan:** new phone who dis

**markiepoo:** i swear to god

**13456789Ten:** who's that  
**123456789Ten:** never heard of her

_[winwon has removed 123456789Ten from the chat]_

**winwon:** i just did you all a favor  
**winwon:** ungrateful bastards

**jEnOO:** THEYRE STILL FIGHTING  
**jEnOO:** GUYS

**satan:** LMAOOOOOO  
**satan:** JENO TOOK A PILLOW TO THE FACE GOOD FUCKING BYE

**satansoo:** what do you all eat in that house what the fuck

**markiepoo:** i swear to god i thought i got rid of all of the sugar

**#1 headass:** well you better swear to him again bc you obviously didn't get rid of squat

* * *

_**3:31 pm** _

**nanana:** hi welcome to chili's

**markiepoo:** .....  
**markiepoo:** why

**nanana:** bc i can

**markiepoo:** valid point

**moomin:** can u guys hear chenle cackling

**woowoo:** we always hear chenle cackling

**moomin:** ANYWAYS  
**moomin:** he's been quoting vines for the past 10 minutes and i'm about ready to ask taeyong to stab me

**nini:** oh

**moomin:** or i'm going to off myself  
**moomin:** whichever comes first y'know

**jEnOO:** um no  
**jEnOO:** try again  
**jEnOO:** who will i bully in my spare time

**father:** see  
**father:** at least he admits to bullying you asshats 

**satansoo:** shut up u headass

**father:** i fucking breathed

**satansoo:** my point exactly

**#2 headass:** oh mg god  
**#2 headass:** do you see what we put up with

**mom:** .....  
**mom:** i literally deal with these headasses 24/7  
**mom:** fight me

**yeollie:** he might actually take you up on that please don't

**mom:** i'd like to see him try

**#1 headass:** taeyong's a twink but don't get it twisted  
**#1 headass:** he can fucking punch

**bacon:** speaking from experience huh

**#1 headass:** this is literally bullying what the fuck

**mom:** SEE  
**mom:** FEAR ME

**satan:** you aren't threatening tbh  
**satan:** you're like mark  
**satan:** hard on the outside but a little softhearted mush on the inside

**markiepoo:** fight me  
**markiepoo:** fight me right now

**jEnOO:** i'd pay to see that

**moomin:** ofc you would

**jEnOO:** i'll fight you

**moomin:** i'm down

**grandpa:** you're literally talking about this like you're going to go see a movie

**casper:** our lives are like movies tbh

_[winwon has added 123456789Ten to the chat]_

**123456789Ten:** i'd throw out every movie then bc holy shit  
**123456789Ten:** bc for taeyong it'd be like, _"how i survived raising 18 kids and how you can too: the story of lee taeyong"_

**mom:** i  
**mom:** i hate all of you

**jifrog:** we hate you too it's okay

**mom:** :')

**smol child:** oh

**markiepoo:** here we go

**mom:** I AM THE POWER OF DARKNESS  
**mom:** FEAR ME

**casper:** darkness my ass

**mom:** shut up you sheet of paper

**#1 headass:** well  
**#1 headass:** that's enough texting for today

* * *

 

_ **11:28 pm** _

**smol child:** TWO BROOSS CHILLIN IN A HOT TUB

**jEnOO:** FIVE FEET APART CAUSE THEY'RE NOT GAY

**adopted:** @ #1 headass @123456789Ten  
**adopted:** @mom @dad

**unicorn:** @ #2 headass @grandpa

**jifrog:** literally everyone here is not straight  
**jifrog:** why are we tagging people

**yukkuri:** bc they can assface

**jifrog:** OH

**yukkuri:** BABE WAIT

**jifrog:** NOPE  
**jifrog:** YOU TOOK YOUR SHOT  & YOU FUCKING MISSED

**winwon:** this is why we all wanted to be adopted

**mom:** _oh_

**markiepoo:**.....  
**markiepoo:** i just want to go home

**nanana:** aren't u already home tho

**markiepoo:** i meant canada you entire fuckass

**nini:** do u guys ever sleep or

***screaming*:** sleep?  
***screaming*:** never heard of her

**woowoo:** sleep?  
**woowoo** : not in this household we don't

**jisung pWARK:** mark i'll go to canada with you pls

**markiepoo:** THANK YOU


	20. POP YOUR BUSSY LIKE THIS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> markiepoo: YUKHEI SLUT DROPPED
> 
> yeollie: it's confirmed  
> yeollie: we're all sluts
> 
> lucYAS: don't kink shame me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo mi amigos, i am back with a shit chapter! enjoy! 
> 
> ~Kaylee

_**12:01 am** _

**nanana:** jeno keeps quoting dope island vines  
**nanana:** suddenly i don't know of a jeno

 **dad:** oh my god

 **jEnOO:** SO YOU EATING BALLS NOW

 **jisung pWARK:** NO DAD IM JUST HUN— 

 **jEnOO:** SHUT UP BITCH

 **markiepoo:** i just read that in the original vine voice and i just  
**markiepoo:** i want to die

 **nanana:** apparently i don't know of a jisung either oops

 **jisung pWARK:** that's it  
**jisung pWARK:** i'm killing myself

 **smol child:** please no

 **satan:** OOF

 **mom:** why is there two bottles of five hour energy in the trash

 **123456789Ten:** ....  
**123456789Ten:** sorry fam my bad

 **dad:** oh no

 **#1 headass:** YOU ARE A TINY ASS MAN  
**#1 headass:** YOUR BODY CANT HANDLE ALL OF THAT

 **123456789Ten:** IM NOT THAT TINY FUCK OFF

 **nini:** i just want to sleep  
**nini:** is that too much to ask for

 **grandpa:** yes

 **nini:** thought so

 **mom:** if i hear any screaming coming from ten i'm going to smother him

 **casper:** you and me both

 **123456789Ten:** oh wow thanks guys

 **adopted:** who is watching shows on my netflix account

 **yeollie:** sorry fam i forgot my password

 **adopted:** how the fuck did you get my password i'm

 **jifrog:** ......  
**jifrog:** oops

 **adopted:** i  
**adopted:** how did you get my password

 **winwon:** ....

 **adopted:** SICHENG STOP GIVING OUT MY PASSWORD THIS IS THE 4TH TIME

 **woowoo:** oh my god

 **nanana:** y'all now jeno is crying and listening to spring day  
**nanana:** this is the most relatable thing i've seen all day

 **moomin:** lucas slut dropped to tear yesterday and i felt the overwhelming urge to die

 **lucYAS:** okay but  
**lucYAS:** who doesn't slut drop to tear

 **unicorn:** i don't  
**unicorn:** i don't think anyone does

 **casper:** yuta does

 **yukkuri:** STOP EXPOSING ME

 ***screaming*:** you do that shit to yourself sweetie

 **yukkuri:** okay fine lucas & i slut drop to tear  
**yukkuri:** but taeyong slut drops to singularity and i don't see any of you calling him out

 **mom:** THAT'S BECAUSE NO ONE KNEW YOU FUCKING COCK

 **jisung pWARK:** Not Surprised™

 **father:** so does baekhyun

 **bacon:** STOP EXPOSINF ME HDNAGWUABWV

 **satan:** is jeno still crying

 **nanana:** yes and he's singing too this is great i'm dhwjvsgwiwnsb  
**nanana:** _[video]_

 **dad:** holy shiT

 **#1 headass:** if that ain't me

 **#2 headass:** you cry @ everything tho so shut the fuck up

 **#1 headass:** shut up the fuck up you coconut

 **markiepoo:** jeno is a Whole Ass Mood™

 **jEnOO:** i literally do nothing to deserve this bullying i

 **123456789Ten:** well you exist so

 **moomin:** _OH_  

 **jEnOO:** I JUST WANT TO LIVE FUCK

 **markiepoo:** and i want to die so  
**markiepoo:** y e e t  
**markiepoo:** _finger guns_

* * *

_**12:58 am** _

**jisung pWARK:** guys now chenle is listening to bts and crying  
**jisung pWARK:** please send help

 ***screaming*:** _We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again_

 **jisung pWARK:** are you fucking kidding me

 **woowoo:** all i want to know is how the hell he memorized the fucking thing word for word

 **chensing machine:** honestly

 **casper:** it's because he purposely sends me the fucking thing every time we get into an argument so he can piss me off even further

 **mom:** that explains it

 **casper:** shut the fuck your mouth

 **jisung pWARK:** hELP ME  
**jisung pWARK:** he's crying bc  & i quote, "these lyrics are so pretty oh my god i want to listen to this forever"

 **#1 headass:** that's so soft what the fuck

 **jisung pWARK:** come claim your fucking kid

 **#1 headass:** not today

 **jEnOO:** _GYEONWO CHONG! JOJUN! BALSA!_

 **jisung pWARK:** nOW LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING STARTED JESUS CHRIST

 **mom:** if y'all start religiously quoting bts you're no longer my children  & will be removed from the chat

 **markiepoo:** well in that case

 **mom:** NO

 **markiepoo:** FUCK

 **nanana:** guys please help chenle's still crying

 **satan:** what song is he listening to oh my gof

 **nanana:** from the looks of it  
**nanana:** love is not over

 **satan:** man i don't fucking blame him i cry too

 **moomin:** are you fucking kidding me

 **markiepoo:** i fucking wish  
**markiepoo:** _[video]_

 **father:** see now that's the type of shit you blackmail people with

 **dad:** i saved it just in case your bitchass does something

 **satan:** jesus fucking christ

 **yukkuri:** yall shouldn't feel bad  
**yukkuri:** taeyong just blasted cypher pt 4 and began to twerk  
**yukkuri:** don't believe me?

 **unicorn:** please no

 **yukkuri:** _[video]_

 **unicorn:** WHY

 **dad:** he just deadass looked me in the face when yoongi's verse started, proceeded to twerk  
**dad:** and then said, "if we ever break up i'm going to him" 

 **123456789Ten:** OH MY GOD

 **casper:** i don't blame him tbh

 **dad:** oh

 ***screaming*:** oh wow fuck you too

 **casper:** says the one with the fanboy crush on hoseok nEXT

 ***screaming*:** FHVHTXGJCTTAUTVJX FUCK

 **mom:** YOONGI IS A WHOLE ASS CRUSH LITERALLY FIGHT ME  
**mom:** BUT ILYSM TAEIL PLS DON'T BE MAD

 **dad:** ITS OKAY ILYT

 **markiepoo:** WHO PUT ON CYPHER PT 3

 **mom:** ME WHY

 **markiepoo:** YUKHEI SLUT DROPPED

 **yeollie:** it's confirmed  
**yeollie:** we're all sluts

 **lucYAS:** don't kink shame me

* * *

 

** _2:42 am_ **

**123456789Ten:** y'all  
**123456789Ten:** johnny likes to suck toes

 **#1 headass:** NO I DON'T STOP

 **nini:** what the fuck

 **lucYAS:** and i thought i was being kink shamed

 **winwon:** why did you wake us up for this i

 **adopted:** hansol stop screaming "pop that bussy" please

 **father:** what the FUCK is going on over there i

 **dad:** inevitable death  
**dad:** that's what

 **satan:** so he does know how to use big words  
**satan:** huh

 **dad:** i swear to fucking god

 **jifrog:**  POP YOUR BUSSY LIKE THIS

 **adopted:** STOP

 **jifrog:** I REFUSE 

 **#2 headass:** i always knew youngho was into some kinky shit but this

 **#1 headass:** STOP IT OH MY FUCKIGN GOS

 **123456789Ten:** what

 **grandpa:** what

 **jisung pWARK:** i wish i never opened this chat

 **#2 headass:** how do y'all explain him explaining what daddy kink is hmmm

 **woowoo:** NO

 **smol child:** STOP IT OH NO

 **markiepoo:** are you fucking serious oh my goD

 **#1 headass:** NO WAIT

 **123456789Ten:** so that explains it  
**123456789Ten:** got it

 **#1 headass:** STOP

 **jisung pWARK:** I WANNA DIE WHAT THE FUCK

 **#1 headass:** IT'S NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE

 **mom:** WELL THEN FUCKING ENLIGHTEN US  
**mom:** BECAUSE THIS IS SOUNDING LIKE YOU HAVE A FUCKING DADDY KINK YOUNGHO

 **123456789Ten:** he just chucked his fucking phone and screamed into his plushies

 ***screaming*:** you know what they say  
***screaming*:** you may be too old for the plushies  
***screaming*:** but you're never too old for the spirits inside of them

 **satansoo:** WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE KNOW THAT

 **jifrog:** NO

 **jEnOO:** FUCKING RENJUN JUST SCREAMED AND THREW HIS MOOMIN PLUSHIE ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM

 **moomin:** WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT  
**moomin:** I WAS HAPPY ALL FUCKING DAY GODDAMN IT

 ***screaming*:** IM SORRY OKAY DAMN

 **smol child:** NO THE FUCK YOU ARENT

 **markiepoo:** STOP LYING

 **mom:** i will literally pay any of you fuckers to kick dongyoung's ass back to seoul where it belongs

 **satansoo:** omw

 ***screaming*:** NO

 **winwon:** is that a pig dying or

 **nanana:** no it's just dongyoung

 **winwon:** oh okay

 ***screaming*:** GUYS  
***screaming*:** YALL ARE SOME FAKE ASS BITCHES

 **mom:** y'all hear screaming or

 **dad:** nah  
**dad:** and you?

 **mom:** nope

 ***screaming*:** FAKE  
***screaming*:** YALL ARE FUCKING  F A K E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo! i hope everyone has a nice and safe summer and i wish you all the best with schooling! i myself will be a senior at the end of august when school begins!
> 
> ~Kaylee <3


	21. The Team Slut™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisung pWARK: listen  
> jisung pWARK: when i said i wanted to be a part of a group  
> jisung pWARK: i didn't think they would be this kinky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A double update!!
> 
> Y E E T 
> 
> I appreciate all the love and support from the last chapter and figured that you deserve another update because you all are loving and kind and I don't deserve any of these nice comments !!!! 
> 
> ~Kaylee <3

**_ 7:49 am _ **

**winwon:** hey um quick ?  
**winwon:** why is the remote wet

 **lucYAS:** ....  
**lucYAS:** yuta showed mark, yoonoh, jungwoo  & i how he has no gag reflex

 **markiepoo:** he  
**markiepoo:** he nearly shoved the entire thing in his mouth  
**markiepoo:** i'm thoroughly traumatized

 **unicorn:** oh what the fuck

 **#1 headass:** that explains why it was wet when i touched it  
**#1 headass:** thanks for the trauma, yuta  
**#1 headass:** i'm gonna go in the shower  & contemplate my entire existence

 **mom:** wHY

 **yukkuri:** don't blame me  
**yukkuri:** yoonoh asked

 **casper:** NOT FOR A FUCKING DEMONSTRATION I DIDN'T

 **jisung pWARK:** i just wanted to go back to sleep  & eat  
**jisung pWARK:** guess that isn't happening is it

 **woowoo:** WHY DIDN'T YOU CLEAN THE FUCKING THING OFF OH MY GOD

 **yukkuri:** I FORGOT SHIT

 ***screaming*:** sicheng is literally scrubbing his hands with hot water in the kitchen sink  & screaming  
***screaming*:** what have we come to

 **123456789Ten:** so is johnny oof

 **unicorn:** i want to delete this entire conversation from my mind

 **casper:** and i want the image of yuta deep throating a remote out of mine  
**casper:** but we all can't get what we want

 **yukkuri:** IM SORRY

 **markiepoo:** NO YOU FUCKING AREN'T  
**markiepoo:** YOU BITCH

 **mom:** yuta  
**mom:** The Team Slut™

 **yukkuri:** BITCH  
**yukkuri:** so are you

 **mom:** ......  
**mom:** that's fair

 **chensing machine:** oh my fucking god  
**chensing machine:** i'm muting this chat bYE

 **dad:** tbh i don't blame you

 **jifrog:** babe why

 **yukkuri:** the real question is  
**yukkuri:** why not

 **woowoo:** bc that traumatized us wHY

 **moomin:** is that johnny i hear screaming from here

 ***screaming*:** and sicheng

 **moomin:** that explains it

 **jisung pWARK:** listen  
**jisung pWARK:** when i said i wanted to be a part of a group  
**jisung pWARK:** i didn't think they would be this kinky

 **mom:** i'm sorry that you had to see that jisung

 **jisung pWARK:** no the fuck you aren't

* * *

_**11:11 am** _

**satansoo:** why the fuck are you guys so kinky i'm

 **grandpa:** you literally woke up 10 minutes ago  
**grandpa:** and this is the first thing you say  
**grandpa:** really

 **satansoo:** yeah bitch

 **grandpa:** all i do is exist and this is how i'm treated  
**grandpa:** nice

 **smol child:** did jongdae actually mute the chat or

 **nini:** yes  
**nini:** he said and i quote, "and i thought we were nasty fucks oh my goD"

 **yukkuri:** y'all need to stop kink shaming me

 **mom:** sorry  
**mom:** not gonna happen

 **yukkuri:** i thought so

 ***screaming*:** so yoonoh, ten, johnny  & i are at the mall right

 **dad:** oh god

 ***screaming*:** and yoonoh dares johnny to act straight for a few minutes  
***screaming*:** i've never seen someone looked more like a panicked gay than he is

 **#1 headass:** okay listen

 **mom:** how  
**mom:** why

 **#1 headass:** this chick kept flirting with me  & didn't get the hint of ten dating me  
**#1 headass:** even with ten calling me baby and whatnot  
**#1 headass:** it was very uncomfortable

 ***screaming*:** it gets even better just wait

 **#1 headass:** so yoonoh goes "hey just try flirting with her for a few minutes to see how it goes"  
**#1 headass:** so i do it  
**#1 headass:** ten's snickering @ me in the bg  & i'm having a crisis while telling this girl how pretty she looks in her outfit & makeup

 **markiepoo:** oh my fucking god

 **#1 headass:** it lasted for 10 minutes before she had to go off  
**#1 headass:** i ended up with her phone number  & everyone else is laughing at me while i look like a tomato & throw her # out

 **jifrog:** that sounds like torture oh my god

 **yukkuri:** babe you're bi not a panicked gay like johnny  
**yukkuri:** there's a difference

 **jifrog:** u right  
**jifrog:** but still

 **#1 headass:** oh wow  
**#1 headass:** thanks guys

 **jifrog:** yeah no problem

 **#1 headass:** i'm  
**#1 headass:** shut up you fucking coconut

 **winwon:** okay not to be that person but  
**winwon:** who the fuck is screaming "titties" as loud as they can

 **casper:** me we just walked in the door

 **winwon:** why  
**winwon:** great now you have donghyuck screaming it  
**winwon:** thanks yoonoh

 **casper:** hey listen  
**casper:** titties is a fun word to say okay

 **mom:** you've been hanging out with jungkook too much

 **casper:** nah it was yugyeom who kept yelling it at ISAC's but i'll make sure to pass that along

 **mom:** great

 **satan:** hey listen it's better than hansol screaming "pop that bussy" every day

 **adopted:** you little  
**adopted:** ......  
**adopted:** oh no

 **jifrog:** POP YO BUSSY LIKE THIS

 **adopted:** STOP IT

 **jifrog:** NO

 **markiepoo:** I JUST WANNA GO HOME

 **bacon:** *yoonoh's voice*  
**bacon:** _i just want some milk_

 **casper:** why  
**casper:** why must you bully me like this

* * *

_**2:01 pm** _

**dad:** okay it's literally 2 in the afternoon and i smell vodka

 **#1 headass:** it's taeyong

 **dad:** are you fucking kidding me

 **#1 headass:** lol nope  
**#1 headass:** he's fucking drunk my dude

 **dad:** jesus christ  
**dad:** okay  
**dad:** okay as long as no one's wearing red, pink or purple he won't get touchy with you

 **markiepoo:** oh fuck

 **father:** oh christ  
**father:** here we go

 **mom:** pretzty pinck sweatre  
**mom:** di owant some hugss  
**mom:** rmark cocme here anld hug me

 **markiepoo:** god why

 **grandpa:** this is some quality fucking content right here

 **woowoo:** god bless alcohol

 **dad:** why do you guys encourage him  
**dad:** i don't  
**dad:** i don't understand

 **markiepoo:** GUYS HELP  
**markiepoo:** HE'S HUGGING VERY TIGHTLY AND HE DOESN'T WANT TO LET GO  
**markiepoo:** GUYS

 **casper:** wow he really isn't letting go huh

 **markiepoo:** SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME GOD

 **mom:** thfe sweater is gvery fuzzy  
**mom:** pretvty swgeater  
**mom:** mar'sk spweater is pretyt gueys

 **dad:** ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING RECORDING IT

 **yukkuri:** FUCKING HELP MARK OH MY GOD

 **markiepoo:** yuta you're wearing purple you're in the target zone

 **yukkuri:** NO

 **markiepoo:** FUCKING RUN  
**markiepoo:** HE LET ME GO THANK GOD

 **yukkuri:** AND NOW HE'S GOT ME YOU COCK

 **123456789Ten:** this is beautiful

 **satansoo:** oh jesus h christ

 **#2 headass:** I AM ON THE FLOOR

 **mom:** yuta lokso kso pretmtt guys  
**mom:** his shirt is eso preytt look akt it h

 **yukkuri:** I FEEL EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE  
**yukkuri:** HANSOL HELP

 **jifrog:** IM CRYING UR ON UR OWN

 **yukkuri:** BABE

 **winwon:** TAEIL JUST SPEARED RIGHT INTO TAEYONG OH MY HOD

 **#1 headass:** TUFUSJGDUTWRJVDUTSTR

 **dad:** this is why we don't let anybody drink in this fucking house

 **lucYAS:** you drank yesterday though

 **dad:** .....  
**dad:** okay fair enough

* * *

**_ 7:22 pm _ **

**mom:** please tell me i didn't dance while drunk  
**mom:** why the fuck does my back hurt do bad  
**mom:** guys what did i do

 **yeollie:** ....  
**yeollie:** taeil speared you so you could let go of yuta

 **mom:** what the fucK

 **dad:** IT WAS THE ONLY WAY 

 **mom:** NO  
**mom:** IT COULD'VE BEEN EASIER TO DO THAT INSTEAD OF FUCKING SPEARINF ME

 **yukkuri:** you wouldn't let go of me  
**yukkuri:** WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO

 **mom:** NOT HAVE TAEIL SPEAR ME FUCK  
**mom:** I WANNA DIE

 **adopted:** me and you both

 **markiepoo:** A Whole Ass Mood™


	22. #ripJeno2k18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies!
> 
> i am back with another chapter for all of you wonderful, beautiful, fantastic people to enjoy !
> 
> i hope your day and/or night is going well and i wish for you all to stay safe! 
> 
> ~ Kaylee <33

  _ **8:00 pm**_

  
***screaming*:** yo maple leaf

 **markiepoo:** is that  
**markiepoo:** is that supposed to be an insult

 ***screaming*:** take it however you want  
***screaming*:** i was just trying to summon you

 **woowoo:** what the fuck

 **markiepoo:** oh  
**markiepoo:** okay

 **mom:** up next on Supernatural - Hunting the Canadian Gay

 **markiepoo:** SHUT

 **#1 headass:** jesus christ

 **moomin:** hey jeno  
**moomin:** keep spinning that fidget spinner near my ear and i'm going to shove it up your ass

 **jEnOO:** PLEASE NO

 **jifrog:** you know who likes things shoved up his ass

 **dad:** NO

 **nini:** i'm about to crave death  
**nini:** please don't

 **dad:** guys please i think taeyong's gonna have a mental fucking breakdown in the middle of mcdonald's  
**dad:** i don't want to get banned

 **mom:** KSJDHEIJANS  
**mom:** i am fine  
**mom:** totally fine  
**mom:** fucking dandy

 **satansoo:** are you  
**satansoo:** are you sure about that

 **dad:** he's crying in the middle of mcdonald's i don't think so

 **adopted:** what tje fuck

 **123456789Ten:** tell me about it  
**123456789Ten:** johnny stubbed his toe there one time and screamed

 **#1 headass:** YO FUCK YOU  
**#1 headass:** THAT SHIT HURT

 **123456789Ten:** YOU SCARED AN ELDERLY LADY  
**123456789Ten:** SHE NEARLY DROPPED HER FUCKING COFFEE

 **#1 headass:** I TOLD HER I WAS VERY SORRY DAMN

 **grandpa:** jesus christ

 **dad:** guys taeyong is crying still what do i do

 **yukkuri:** take him out of the place  
**yukkuri:** the fuck

 

**dad:** ....  
**dad:** good point

* * *

  _ **10:02 pm**_

 **casper:** WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS CHANGED THE WIFI NAME  
**casper:** IT SAYS "scream cock for password"  
**casper:** SICHENG STOP SCREAMING COCK

 **winwon:** I JUST WANT THE PASSWORD  
**winwon:** GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

 **markiepoo:** donghyuck why

 **satan:** i thought it be funny KDJWOWMABAOQNS  
**satan:** and look at that  
**satan:** i was right

 **mom:** WHO KEEPS SCREAMING COCK

 **casper:** SICHENG

 **lucYAS:** AND ME

 **mom:** ......  
**mom:** i thought so

 **lucYAS:** WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN

 **markiepoo:** we stray further from god's light every day

 **moomin:** so have you  
**moomin:** the fuck

 **markiepoo:** .....  
**markiepoo:** that's fair

 **satan:** "ψ(｀∇')ψ

 **bacon:** that's  
**bacon:** that's fucking terrifying

 **yeollie:** you send me that shit all of the time fuck you mean

 **bacon:** SHUT

* * *

**_ 10:37 pm _ **

**jEnOO:** hey jaemin where did you put the shampoo

 **nanana:** The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

 **jEnOO:** .....  
**jEnOO:** i don't know why i expected any different tbh

 **#2 headass:** LMAOOOOOO

* * *

  _ **11:14 pm**_

 **jEnOO:** guys jaemin keeps responding to me with copypastas

 **jEnOO:** i don't know what to do  
**jEnOO:** please help

 **smol child:** #ripJeno2k18

 **markiepoo:** so does donghyuck and i just  
**markiepoo:** i've given up at this point tbh

 **woowoo:** yukhei did that to me for a week and i chucked my phone at him

 **jEnOO:** oh thanks for the idea

 **woowoo:** i  
**woowoo:** okay

 **markiepoo:** donghyuck can you grab me a towel please

 **satan:** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you dirty human? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Illuminated Cult of Suc'Naath, and I’ve been involved in numerous summonings of things beyond your ken, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in the lore of the elder things and I’m the head priest of 17 different various and terrifying religions. You are nothing to me but just another mind for my ungodly master to consumer. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this dimension, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of cultists and deep ones across and under the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, you insignificant toad. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, human. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare tentacles. Not only am I extensively trained in unspeakable magics, but I have access to the entire Library of Miskatonic University and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the planet, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, human.

 **markiepoo:** all i wanted was a towel wHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME

 ***screaming*:** yoonoh's crying actual tears  
***screaming*:** why do you have to be like this

 **casper:** it's fucking funny shut uP  
**casper:** would you like for me to respond to you with copypastas

 ***screaming*:** please no

 **casper:** Time out, hold up. Hold up, sweetheart. Let's get it together before you wanna read. I don't have a sugar daddy, sweetheart. Everything that I've had, I've worked for, and I worked for to get and I've built myself. So you need to know that 100%. I don't have a sugar daddy, I've never had a sugar daddy. If I wanted a sugar daddy, yes, I probably can go out and get one, because I AM WHAT? SICKENING. You could never have a sugar daddy because you are NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL. Baby, everything I've had I worked for, and I've gotten myself. I built myself from the ground up, FUCKING BITCH!

 **father:** where do you guys even find this i'm

 **unicorn:** the internet  
**unicorn:** old man

 **father:** i swear

 ***screaming*:** i'm divorcing yoonoh  
***screaming*:** that's it

 **casper:** NO WAIT PLEASE

 ***screaming*:** TOO LATE

 **casper:** NO

 **chensing machine:** i mute the chat for a day  
**chensing machine:** and this happens  
**chensing machine:** what is wrong with you guys

 **jisung** **pWARK:** we're just a bunch of panicked gays

 **jEnOO:** you know what's wrong with us  
**jEnOO:** crack

 **jisung pWARK:** and here we gO

 **mom:** i'm divorcing this family

 **dad:** you said that last time  
**dad:** and here you are still 

 **mom:** you really want me to go through with it

 **dad:** no

 **123456789Ten:** yes

 **mom:** asshole

 **123456789Ten:** bitch

 **#1 headass:** alright ladies let's not fight

 **casper:** ten just punched him im gonE

 **123456789Ten:** i'm not a lady  
**123456789Ten:** i'm an effeminate man  
**123456789Ten:** there's a difference

 **grandpa:** god that sounds like something sehun would say

 **#2 headass:** let me fucking lIVE

 **grandpa:** nope sorry

 **#2 headass:** as expected

* * *

_ **12:45 am** _

**#1 headass:** WHICH ONE OF YOU KEEPS TEXTING SUPER JUNIOR AND TELLING THEM I LIKE SUCKING TOES  & HAVE A DADDY KINK  
**#1 headass:** JUNGSOO HYUNG TEXTED ME AND ASKED IF IT WAS TRUE

 **123456789Ten:** SORRY I HAD TO

 **#1 headass:** WHY WOULD YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS  
**#1 headass:** YOU KNOW I DON'T HAVE THOSE KINKS

 **123456789Ten:** I KNOW BUT IT'S FUNNY

 **#1 headass:** JSNSVWIKQNSGSIWMA  
**#1 headass:** HEECHUL HYUNG ASKED ME IF I WAS REALLY THAT KINKY

 **123456789Ten:** LMAOOOOOO

 **#1 headass** : CAN'T I HAVE NORMAL WORK RELATIONSHIPS

 **123456789Ten:** NO

 **#1 headass:** FUCK

 **jifrog:** this is the best thing i've read i'm hOLLERING

 **adopted:** yes we all hear shut the fuck up

 **#1 headass:** OOF

 **jifrog:** shut up you toe sucker

 **#1 headass:** I DO NOT SHUT UP 

* * *

_**2:00 am** _

**mom:** again  
**mom:** it's 2am  
**mom:** who is blasting music

 **markiepoo:** i'm blasting 21st Century Girls bc it's a fucking bop first of all  
**markiepoo:** and jeno's blasting 724148 bc yoongi is a boss ass bitch

 **mom:**....  
**mom:** god you're right

 **markiepoo:** it's been like 4 hours and donghyuck is still responding to me in copypastas  
**markiepoo:** i'm about to block his ass in real life

 **satan:** not anymore oof that got tiring

 **markiepoo:** oh well thank fuck

 **satan:** oh  
**satan:** would you like for me to start it up again

 **markiepoo:** NO

* * *

_**5:17 am** _

**yukkuri:** i'm just trying to make breakfast in the kitchen right  
**yukkuri:** and i walk into the living room to see johnny tossing ten across the room screaming, "yEET"  
**yukkuri:** ten  
**yukkuri:** you okay fam

 **123456789Ten:** yeah fam i'm all good

 **nini:** christ  
**nini:** what did you do

 **123456789Ten:** i tapped johnny to tell him a joke and instead i told him to call me daddy since he likes it so much  
**123456789Ten:** and he just yelled, picked me up and tossed me

 **#1 headass:** FUCKIN SHUT

 **123456789Ten:** lmao you liked it  
**123456789Ten:** don't deny

 **#1 headass:** I DID NOT  
**#1 headass:** FUCK

 **grandpa:** we're all just one big happy family  
**grandpa:** ....  
**grandpa:** sorta

 **unicorn:** that's not true and you fucking know it

 **grandpa:** .....  
**grandpa:** that's fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update on Melancholy-
> 
> I know many of you have been waiting for an update on Melancholy, and I will get to it soon, I promise.
> 
> I wrote Melancholy at a really bad point in my life. My depression had gotten worse, I was failing school and I barely made it out of junior year, I was having many suicidal thoughts. I just haven't had the heart to update it yet, but I will, I promise. Please give me time to make revisions, to write another chapter (I lost the chapter draft for chapter 16, so it may take a while), and I will try to update all three stories soon.
> 
> ~Kaylee <3333


	23. King of the Twinks™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jEnOO: hey  
> jEnOO: i don't know WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS ATE MY CHINESE TAKEOUT  
> jEnOO: BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT SOMEONE'S STUPID ASS BETTER COME FUCKING FORWARD  
> jEnOO: I WROTE MY NAME ON THAT FUCKING SHIT

**_ 7:11 am _ **

**smol child:** guys  
**smol child:** renjun keeps threatning me bc i keep beating him @ mariokart  
**smol child:** i don't know whether to laugh or be in fear

**jEnOO:** last time i beat him at mariokart he smacked me with the remote  
**jEnOO:** think about that

**casper:** this group is just full of crisis what the fuck  
**casper:** who fucking changed the wifi name again  
**casper:** "scream titties for password"

**markiepoo:** hmm  
**markiepoo:** that explains why yukhei keeps screaming titties

**lucYAS:** okay you know what  
**lucYAS:** it's a nice word to say  
**lucYAS:** fight me

**casper:** i will

***screaming*:** guys i don't think he's kidding

**dad:** god  
**dad:** please no

**moomin:** here we go

**mom:** ......  
**mom:** i come home from getting milk at the store to see yukhei screaming on one side of the floor while the rest of you are pinning yoonoh down  
**mom:** an average day here

**nini:** how is that an average day what

**mom:** don't  
**mom:** don't even question it

**nini:** i  
**nini:** i won't

**woowoo:** yukhei  
**woowoo:** sweetie  
**woowoo:** can you shut the FUCK up  
**woowoo:** what're you being so loud for

**moomin:** ah  
**moomin:** young love

**jisung pWARK:** something you know nothing about

**moomin:** fight me  
**moomin:** fight me right now

**markiepoo:** don't do that  
**markiepoo:** they actually might

**jisung pWARK:** watch us

**markiepoo:** NO

* * *

_**12:22 pm** _

**nanana:** hey guys if you're ever in a bad mood just look on the bright side  
**nanana:** we are always one day closer to eating another bowl of nachos

**jisung pWARK:** but  
**jisung pWARK:** but what if i fucking die tomorrow and i never get the chance to eat any nachos

**lucYAS:** well then

**markiepoo:** please no

**satansoo:** don't do it

**dad:** don't make the pun

**lucYAS:** then i guess tomorrow is nacho lucky day

****woowoo:**** get the  
**woowoo:** get the fuck out

**adopted:** i knew  
**adopted:** my bitch ass knew his stupid ass was gonna do it  
**adopted:** and none of us fucking stopped him

****#1 headass:**** i thought we were a family  
**#1 headass:** and we pull this shit  
**#1 headass:** god fucking damn it

**lucYAS:** can i live just one fucking day guys  
**lucYAS:** WHY AM I ALWAYS SUBJECTED TO THIS BULLYING

**yukkuri:** YOU SAID IT THE FUCK

**lucYAS:** .....  
**lucYAS:** that's fair

**bacon:** HA  
**bacon:** SHOT DOWN

**chensing machine:** oh shut up you meat strip

**grandpa:** KSJJSNSNSNSNSN BYE

**satan:** i'm using that

**mom:** call me that and i'm gonna beat your ass

_[satan has changed mom's name to meat strip]_

**meat strip:** why do you make me do this

_[markiepoo changed meat strip's name to mom]_

**markiepoo:** THEY'RE GOING AT IT

**dad:** oh we been knew

* * *

  ** _12:49 pm_**

**yukkuri:** being attractive is so fucking inconvenient  
**yukkuri:** how am i supposed to do anything if i'm surrounded by fanboys and fangirls

**123456789Ten:** well just open your mouth  
**123456789Ten:** your personality will drive them away

**unicorn:** DAMN

**yukkuri:** you know  
**yukkuri:** all i wanted was advice  
**yukkuri:** why do you do this to me

**123456789Ten:** you wanted advice  
**123456789Ten:** you got it

**yukkuri:** ...... thanks

**mom:** i'm  
**mom:** i'm just gonna go clean the kitchen

**woowoo:** you always clean the damn kitchen

**mom:** SHUT

* * *

  _ **1**_ _ **:19 pm**_

**nini:** hey how's cleaning ur kitchen coming along

**#1 headass:** .....  
**#1 headass:** he just opened the cabinet and let the all the Tupperware smack him in the damn face

**nini:** ....  
**nini:** me too

**mom:** this is what i deserve

**jifrog:** stop it  
**jifrog:** you fucking masochist

**markiepoo:** NO

**mom:** i swear to god  
**mom:** wowie this doesn't hurt as much as i thought it would

**dad:** sTOP DOINF IT THE FUCK

**adopted:** a house full of chaotic gays  
**adopted:** beautiful

**grandpa:** god why

* * *

  _ **3:47 pm**_

**casper:** does  
**casper:** does anyone want to explain why taeyong's crying in the tub with a bottle of vodka

**#1 headass:** i don't know  
**#1 headass:** but i don't blame him tbh

**markiepoo:** hey don't judge  
**markiepoo:** i do it on occasion

**moomin:** you mean last night

**markiepoo:** SHUT

**nini:** LMAOOOOO  
**nini:** MEE

**dad:** i just walked into the bathroom  
**dad:** and taeyong said, "tell johnny to help the kids"  
**dad:** what the hell did you guys do to him

**123456789Ten:** well i hate to break it to youbut johnny just lied down on the kitchen floor, popped open another bottle of liquor  & said, "tough shit my dude i'm a free man"

**dad:** .....  
**dad:** didn't expect anything less

**bacon:** OOF

**yukkuri:** guys johnny's starting to get drunk and he told ten he sounds like sheen from jimmy neutron  
**yukkuri:** HELP HHHHHHHH

**jifrog:** OH MT GOF

**jisung pWARK:** STOP IT JFFJFJFH

**123456789Ten:** jOHNNY  
**123456789Ten:** for the last time stop telling me i sound like sheen from jimmy neutron cHRIST

**#1 headass:** then why do yxou heva aan ultra lodr figurine

**123456789Ten:** SHUT THR FUCK UP OH MY GOF

**yeollie:** DAAAAAMNNNN  
**yeollie:** HE CALLED YOU OUT

**123456789Ten:** MY MOM GOT ME IT WHEN I WAS A KID SHUT

***screaming*:** speaking of drunk  
***screaming*:** is um  
***screaming*:** is taeyong okay

**dad:** no he's smashed  
**dad:** and he's coming downstairs  
**dad:** y'all know the drill

**winwon:** gOD NO

**woowoo:** IM CHANGING  
**woowoo:** TOO LATE FUCK

**smol child:** OH NO

**mom:** jungewoo's so prletty  
**mom:** pretdty bauby

**dad:** taeyong nO

**mom:** proetty pretnty pretty

**markiepoo:** guys  
**markiepoo:** johnny passed out  & i tripped over him  
**markiepoo:** what do i do

**nanana:** leave his ass there

**satan:** OH

**#2 headass:** SAME FUCKING HERE MAN

**satansoo:** god  
**satansoo:** i want to die

**nini:** oh worm?

**satansoo:** HE'S BEEN TEXTING ME BACK LIKE THIS FOR 3 HOURS GOD HELP

**unicorn:** oh worm

**chensing machine:** oh  
**chensing machine:** worm

**satansoo:** fuck all of you oh my gOD

* * *

_**8:32 pm**_

**jEnOO:** hey  
**jEnOO:** i don't know WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKERS ATE MY CHINESE TAKEOUT  
**jEnOO:** BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT SOMEONE'S STUPID ASS BETTER COME FUCKING FORWARD  
**jEnOO:** I WROTE MY NAME ON THAT FUCKING SHIT 

**moomin:** oh fuck me

**satan:** oh no

**markiepoo:** oh no

**j** **isung pWARK:** HE CAME UPSTAIRS  & KNOCKED IT OUT OF RENJUN'S HANDS & DROP KICKED HIS ASS ON THE BED

**jisung pWARK:** IM LITERALLY ON THE FLOOR THIS IS GREWAT

**jifrog:** NO STOP

**yukkuri:** THOSE BED FRAMES ARE METAL DON'T BUST UR GODDAMN HEADS OPEN

**lucYAS:** i  
**lucYAS:** i honestly think no one's worried about that

**yukkuri:** .....  
**yukkuri:** good point who's gonna break it up

**markiepoo:** not me  
**markiepoo:** i feel like getting smashed all of a sudden

***screaming*:** damn taeyong 2.0

**mom:** what the fuck is that supposed to mean

**dad:** oh god here we fucking go

**#1 headass:** all i want is to wake up with a hangover  
**#1 headass:** with no screaming, just quiet  
**#1 headass:** and now we have jeno beating renjun's ass over chinese takeout leftovers  
**#1 headass:** i love you guys

**123456789Ten:** feeling's mutual

**#1 headass:** BABE

**bacon:** honestly chanyeol would beat my ass for that oOF

**yeollie:** he's right

**nanana:** i think johnny would but he's probably seeing double rn

**#1 headass:** yo fuck you i'm seeing just fine

**mom:** i'm not

***screaming*:** surprise surprise

**mom:** do you want to die buddy  
**mom:** bc i can make that happen

***screaming*:** come at me  
***screaming*:** King of the Twinks™

**father:** OH NO

**mom:** oHOHOHOHOHO  
**mom:** THIS TWINK CAN FIGHT

**casper:** guys taeil just walked to the bathroom with another full bottle of vodka  
**casper:** i think we broke him

**yukkuri:** we're all broken

**unicorn:** why do y'all just have bottles of vodka sitting around the house

**grandpa:** wouldn't you with 17 kids

**unicorn:** .....  
**unicorn:** fair enough

**winwon:** GUYS DONGYOUNG IS DOWN

**#1 headass:** i told all of y'all that he could pack a fucking punch  
**#1 headass:** but nOOOO no one listens to johnny

**adopted:** we don't listen to who now

**#1 headass:** hHHHHHHH

* * *

** _10:23 pm_ **

**smol child:** hey guys is it legal for me to steal a dog as a friend

**satan:** hey man, if u don’t get caught, everything’s legal

**smol child:** （＾ｖ＾）

**markiepoo:** why  
**markiepoo:** why on earth would you say that

**nanana:** hey chenle if you want a dog all you have to do is put a leash on mark  
**nanana:** he's the biggest dog of us all

**markiepoo:** WJAT THE FUCK

**satan:** he's got a point

**markiepoo:** BABE

**satan:** who is this babe you're speaking of

**markiepoo:** HHHHHHHHHHH OH YM GDO

**nini:** guys  
**nini:** i think you broke mark

**jisung pWARK:** which means we succeeded in our plan  
**jisung pWARK:** “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

**satan:** “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

**smol child:** “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

**nanana:** “ψ(｀∇´)ψ

**nini:** oh my god

**markiepoo:** I DO NOTHING WRONG AND THIS IS HOW I GET TREATED

**jisung pWARK:** do y'all hear a tiny squeaky voice in the distance

**satan:** hmmmm  
**satan:** nope sorry

**nanana:** i'm not a dog whisperer

**markiepoo:** GUYS PLEASE  
**markiepoo:** ALL I DO IS TAKE CARE OF YOU WHY DO YOU CAUSE ME ALL THIS PAIN

**jifrog:** he's going to have a fucking stroke oh my god

**mom:** now he knows my pain

**markiepoo:** TAEYONG HELP

**mom:** who now

**markiepoo:** FUCKING STOP XUDUTFIYDYRSITDUTDUTFIY

**casper:** mark why are you rooting through our fridge

**markiepoo:** i'm  
**markiepoo:** i'm gonna drown my sorrows in beer

**casper:** ....  
**casper:** yeah ur taeyong alright

**mom:** i am tIRED of this slander

**adopted:** it isn't slander if it's true tho

**mom:** FUCK

**dad:** he's got a point tho

**mom:** BABE

**chensing machine:** when your boyfriends are shit talkers

**#1 headass:** my entire fucking relationship right there

**123456789Ten:** YO FUCK YOU

**#1 headass:** SHUT UP MIDGET

**jEnOO:** FUCK

**markiepoo:** so uh  
**markiepoo:** who wants a beer

**satan:** are you drunk already

**markiepoo:** ......  
**markiepoo:** getting there

**#2 headass:** ofc

**satansoo:** says the resident alcoholic

**#2 headass:**......  
**#2 headass:** why you gotta call me out like this

**casper:** i want one  
**casper:** i texted jungkook and said we're drinking beer and he goes, "so are jimin and hoseok bitch you aren't special"

**moomin:** OOF

**casper:** so now im gonna go drown my sorrows with mark

**woowoo:** that's okay taeil's passed out in the tub

**jifrog:** why the fuck didn't any of you move him oh my god

**mom:** didn't really have the heart to tbh

**yeollie:** well aren't you a nice boyfriend

**mom:** （＾ｖ＾）

**nini:** you're all fucking drunks

**unicorn:** you're literally pouring a glass of wine rn

**nini:** i said THEM not ME  
**nini:** why do you have to call me out like this man i thought we were friends

**unicorn:** ....  
**unicorn:** you really want me to answer that

**nini:** no  
**nini:** no i do not

**unicorn:** that's what i thought


	24. Twink Central™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unicorn: what the fuck caused you to dream about mothman
> 
> markiepoo: idk man i think it's my subconscious trying to tell me i'm a fucking moron
> 
> lucYAS: i'm pretty sure that ur subconscious calls you more than that
> 
> markiepoo: SHUT UP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun update? I think yes!

_**12:03 am** _

**casper:** that's it  
**casper:** i'm deleting jungkook

 **mom:** what the fuck did he do now

 **casper:** all i wanted to do was have a drink with jungkook right  
**casper:** i knock on the door, no answer so i go in  
**casper:** and he's sucking a dick

 **markiepoo:** well  
**markiepoo:** glad i didn't go with you

 **yukkuri:** details  
**yukkuri:** who's dick was he sucking

 **jifrog:** YUTA PLEASE

 **nanana:** oh my god

 **casper:** do i  
**casper:** do i really have to answer that

 **yukkuri:** yes

 **mom:** yes

 **123456789Ten:** yes

 **bacon:** you guys are some kinky fuckers

 **mom:** shut up meat strip  
**mom:** we need the deets

 **casper:** okay wELL  
**casper:** y'all already know how to suck a dick so no problem there

 **lucYAS:** pretty bold of you to assume that i do

 **markiepoo:** YUKHEI SHUT

 **casper:** problem was  
**casper:** there were three people in the room

 **dad:** oh no

 **yukkuri:** oh yES  
**yukkuri:** w h o

 **casper:** jungkook  
**casper:** namjoon

 **#1 headass:** well  
**#1 headass:** no surprise there

 **casper:** and hoseok :'''')

 **mom:** OH

 **moomin:** OH SHIT

 **adopted:** to be fair they all seem whipped for jungkook  
**adopted:** you would think he would've sucked them all off at one point

 **casper:** .....  
**casper:** how did you know that oh my god

 **woowoo:** OSKWNWNWJWJ

 **dad:** ARE YOU SERIOUS

 **casper:** YES

 **jisung pWARK:** you know  
**jisung pWARK:** all i wanted was to go one day without reading about sucking dick but  
**jisung pWARK:** here we are

 **nanana:** hey jisung

 **jisung pWARK:** sí

 **nanana:** go suck a dick

 **markiepoo:** NO

 **mom:** NO

 **#1 headass:** NO

 **grandpa:** NOBODY UNDER THE AGE OF 19 HERE SHOULD BE SUCKING A DICK

 **mom:** MY POINT EXACTLY

 **jisung pWARK:** maybe i will

 **markiepoo:** NO THE FUCK YOU WILL NOT

 **dad:** god taeyong's about to have another stroke

 **winwon:** when isn't he

 **dad:** ......  
**dad:** that's fair

* * *

_**12:34 am** _

**#1 headass:** hey dongyoung where's the body wash

 ***screaming*:** What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you dirty human? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Illuminated Cult of Suc'Naath, and I've been involved in numerous summonings of things beyond your ken, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in the lore of the elder things and I'm the head priest of 17 different various and terrifying religions. You are nothing to me but just another mind for my ungodly master to consumer. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in this dimension, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of cultists and deep ones across and under the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, you insignificant toad. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, human. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare tentacles. Not only am I extensively trained in unspeakable magics, but I have access to the entire Library of Miskatonic University and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the planet, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, human.

 **#1 headass:** i didn't expect anything less tbh

 **casper:** you really shouldn't

* * *

**_12:45 am_ **

***screaming*:** is taeyong the gayest in this chat yes or no

 **woowoo:** yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

 **mom:** yo fuck you

 **casper:** Twink Central™

 **mom:** WHY DO YOU BULLY ME

 **#1 headass:** bc you're an easy target

 **mom:** shut uP you overgrown twunk

 **#1 headass:** OH

 **jisung pWARK:** this group is a fucking nightmare  
**jisung pWARK:** i want OUT

 **smol child:** pls don't leave me bab

 **jisung pWARK:** ಥ_ಥ

 **nanana:** wow that's fucking terrifying

 **jEnOO:** wow that's what jaemin looks like in the morning

 **123456789Ten:** OOF  
**133456789Ten:** DRAG THE BITCH

 **nanana:** oh so this is what we're doing now  
**nanana:** well in that case

 **jEnOO:** WAIT NO IM SORRY

 **nanana:** jeno cries watching spongebob

 **jEnOO:** TEARS OF LAUGHTER U BITCH

 **nanana:** STILL

 **satansoo:** jesus christ

 **father:** hey now

 **satansoo:** oh sorry  
**satansoo:** jésus christ

 **father:** ...  
**father:** why do i bother

 **#2 headass:** what the fuck is wrong with you guys

 **jifrog:** anything and everything

 **#2 headass:** ....  
**#2 headass:** good point

* * *

_**1:23 am** _

**markiepoo:** i had a dream that mothman was getting sued by the state of west virginia for accidentally breaking light posts and hired me as his lawyer in the court I was like "your honor my client is a giant moth so you can't blame him for his love for lights"  
**markiepoo:** & halfway through my speech I turned to address mothman and I saw he was bumping into the courtroom lights and they broke & caused a power outage  
**markiepoo:** i'm concerned

 **adopted:** I SNORTED

 **yukkuri:** WHAT CAUSED YOU TO THINK OF THAT  
**yukkuri:** ARE YOU OKAY

 **markiepoo:** I DON'T KNOW BUT I'M SCARED

 **unicorn:** what the fuck caused you to dream about mothman

 **markiepoo:** idk man i think it's my subconscious trying to tell me i'm a fucking moron

 **lucYAS:** i'm pretty sure that ur subconscious calls you more than that

 **markiepoo:** SHUT UP

 **#1 headass:** thanks! i hate it

 **dad:** is  
**dad:** is johnny okay

 **#1 headass:** do i look okay

 **dad:** i don't  
**dad:** i don't know i'm not near you

 **#1 headass:** well in that case

 **dad:** NO

 **grandpa:** what did he do this time

 **dad:** HE BUSTED DOWN OUR DOOR AND JUMPED ON US

 ***screaming*:** sounds fun

 **mom:** I CAN'T BRETAHE YOJNGHO GET OFF

 ***screaming*:** like i said  
***screaming*:** sounds fun

 **mom:** BITCH

 **123456789Ten:** johnny you aren't a lap dog sweetie

 **#1 headass:** I'LL BE WHATEVER I WANT TO BE  
**#1 headass:** TRY ME

 **dad:** UR CRUSHING US

 **mom:** GET OFF

 **#1 headass:** NEVER

 **markiepoo:** that's it guys  
**markiepoo:** hansol and yuta are our parents now

 **jifrog:** FUCK NO

 **yukkuri:** OH FUCK YEAH

 **jifrog:** YUTA PLEASE

 **yukkuri:** YOU HEARD THE BOY

 **jifrog:** AH FUCK ME

 **yukkuri:** NOT TONIGHT

 **smol child:** AHSHSHHS STOP

 **chensing machine:** i see why taeyong drinks

 **father:** can you blame him

 **chensing machine:** not at all

 **yukkuri:** hey now  
**yukkuri:** stop shaming my kids

 **chensing machine:** oh my gOD

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hihihi so, Melancholy is actually in the process of an update! I know, weird right? But chapter 16 is in the process of being finished and should be up by the end of this week or next! 
> 
> Ask me anything!! — https://curiouscat.me/YoongoBoongo93
> 
> Follow me!! — https://mobile.twitter.com/YoongoBoongo93
> 
> Much Love!   
> Kaylee <3


	25. a whackadoodle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> markiepoo: what's the blind stick called  
> markiepoo: like the one that you hit the ground with so you know that shit is in front of you
> 
> jEnOO: a whackadoodle
> 
> markiepoo: is that how it works

 

_ **7:32 am** _

  
**123456789Ten:** i just saw yukhei deepthroat a wooden spoon  
**123456789Ten:** please help

 **lucYAS:** hey i'm doing what i do best

 **123456789Ten:** SHSHSHSHSHSH DO YOU EVER SHUT THE FUCK UP

 **lucYAS:** LMAO NOPE

 **123456789Ten:** OF COURSE

 **unicorn:** jesus christ  
**unicorn:** what the fuck is wrong with you

 **lucYAS:** everything

* * *

  ** _8:34 am_**

  
**markiepoo:** WHERE'S THE MILK

 **satan:** IN FRONT OF UR FACE

 **markiepoo:** I DIDN'T SEE IT

 **satan:** fucking blind ass bitch

 **jifrog:** oh my god

 **markiepoo:** once I put my glasses back on it's over 4 u binches  
**markiepoo:** give me my fucking cane NERD

 **jisung pWARK:** oh god

 **markiepoo:** what's the blind stick called  
**markiepoo:** like the one that you hit the ground with so you know that shit is in front of you

 **jEnOO:**  a whackadoodle

 **markiepoo:** is that how it works

 **yukkuri:** ....a blind stick  
**yukkuri:** i think

 **markiepoo:** or do you drag it on the pavement like a madman

 **mom:** i'm so close to drinking again  
**mom:** god fucking damn it

 **jEnOO:** a wackamole

 **#1 headass:** just hit the ground and pray you don't hit a possum

 **yukkuri:** you use it to whack the fuck out of everything and everyone

 **markiepoo:** nothing like minding your blind and merry business and listening to the never ending sound of your seeing eye stick going CCCSSSSSHHCHSHSHSHSHHHH on the pavement

 **dad:** GUYS PLEASE

 **markiepoo:** i'm imagining going blind and being like "ok how the fuck am I supposed to use this?" *beats the shit out of the pavement with it*  
**markiepoo:** to get the waiters attention at Olive Garden, hit him with the stick

 **jifrog:** GOD

 **jEnOO:** big mood  
**jEnOO:** hey mark when i get a wheelchair will you push me

 **markiepoo:** absolutely

 **jEnOO:** straight into traffic  
**jEnOO:** perfect

 **123456789Ten:** okay what we're not gonna do  
**123456789Ten:** is die like a normie

 **bacon:** im gonna push myself into traffic

 **123456789Ten:** i'll stick a funnel up my ass and fill myself with cheerios until i choke and die

 **#1 headass:** OH YM GOD

 **grandpa:** are you  
**grandpa:** are you okay

 **123456789Ten:** not even close but thanks for asking

 **grandpa:** ofc anytime

 **nini:** HSHSHSH PL EASE

 **jEnOO:** do they have pink wheelchairs  
**jEnOO:** bc i'd totally deck it out in zombie stickers

 **markiepoo:** mood

 **jEnOO:** I CAN GET A PINK WHEELCHAIR FROM WALMART

 **markiepoo:** walmart sells some pretty weird shit

 **dad:** I CANT BREATHE  
**dad:** TAEYONG IS DRINKING AGAIN PLEASE

 **jEnOO:** I FOUND ONE

 **markiepoo:** BEEP BEEP BITCHES

 **jEnOO:** this will be the good thing to come from my horrible crippling knees

 **#2 headass:** just fucking  
**#2 headass:** deck that shit out with Barbie stickers

 **jEnOO:** i will  
**jEnOO:** don't test me

 **nanana:** he actually will  
**nanana:** please don't encourage him

 **jEnOO:** too late

 **nanana:** MOTHERFUCKER

 **chensing machine:** jesus christ  
**chensing machine:** what is wrong with you guys

 **yeollie:** crack

 **chensing machine:** yeah that's it

 **dad:** god i’m ready to kill myself

 **jEnOO:** big ass fucking mood

 **nanana:** SHHSHSH FUCKING STOP 

 **jEnOO:** make me

 **nanana:** god i’m going to have a sTROKE

 **smol child:** sounds fun

 **nanana:** NO

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this fic'll be a disaster I hope you enjoy
> 
> ~Kaylee


End file.
